I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

I've got so much sympathy for you, it took me a really long time to learn. I hated every second of it and eventually for similar reasons (kids needing to get around and living rurally) told myself I just had to make myself keep going until I passed.

I was lucky to have a patient dh and every weekend for months and months we'd load the kids up and I'd drive us around and around a school car park just figuring out the basics.. I know that's not an option for you and so it will take longer but you'll make up the hours in the end with lessons just don't be afraid to ask them for similar basic skills.

My test was booked six months in advance and despite neither of us expecting me to pass (my instructor literally told me he wasn't expecting me to actually show up when I did) I had an easy test and got lucky.. I only went because I was so desperate to pass and told myself I could pull over and run away if I needed to but had to at least try.

My one recommendation other than just keeping on (and I know how miserable that is) would be to find an instructor with the fanciest car possible, I passed in a bmw with full reverse/ side/ front/ everything cameras and the guides on the screen to show where the car would go at the angle I was steering etc.

Make it as easy as you can on yourself and huge well done for keeping on.

For me driving only really 'clicked' once I separated the act from the reality of worrying about being hit or hitting something or someone constantly. Driving several tonnes of metal around at speed isn't a natural human state and easier if you've learnt young before knowing how scary the world can be.. but you can do it..it just takes some of us longer than others and that's ok.

Dsis took her test 21 times and passed in an automatic. You also need a lot of practice with someone very calm. I taught my exH to drive and I honestly though he was never going to be safe on the road but he managed it in the end.

Dont give up. Took me over 2 years of non stop lessons, two instructors, 4 tests and beta blockers prescriptions. But I got my license! And was commuting all over the country. Was never a great "natural" driver, but safe and confident!

Just to make you feel better, I never learned to ride a bike in a city. I can ride it (I can go on rides in the countryside, for example), but never felt safe or confident enough to ride it on the road! I even had paid lessons - nope, did not help ))

not sure what you are looking for in this thread. the only thing you can possibly do is just to keep trying and drive as much as you can outside of your lessons until it just click. there is no trick that someone else may know that will just immediately work on you. our brains all work differently and we learn in different ways.

although you said you are not anxious, you do seem it from your responses, at least you seem to have a negative mindset. you need to overcome that first of all.

otherwise, it may be best for you and your family to live where there is better public transport.

I see. I’m sorry to hear that, sounds very tough indeed ❤️

I don’t know where you are but I have found a place that specialises in teaching people with ‘high anxiety, specific needs, or if you just find learning to drive challenging’. They are called 1nfluence. If not your area they may be able to guide you to another company or you could google similar.

Watching YouTube videos helped me a lot. Conquer Driving on YouTube really explains everything clearly and you might find it’s easier to take in information when you are not stressed and in the situation. I know you’ve said you’ve tried a few instructors but it is possible that none of them were the right fit for you. Especially if you’re ND and have specific learning styles. I passed a few weeks after switching instructor and my previous one told me he didn’t think I’d ever be about to drive.

OP, I am very similar. Co-parenting with difficult ex and finding it very difficult as a non-driver. Makes loads of things so much harder. Also feel like I’m failing my 12 year old son as well as failing myself.
I have terrible spatial awareness and possible dyspraxia. Understand all your feelings.
i am going to try some of the tips above.
Out of interest are you left-handed? I am and have always struggled with coordination and doing multiple things at once. I feel like I’m a bit out of sync with the world sometimes and kind of get sensory overload.
When I’m being kind to myself I think that bit of my brain must be filled with some kind of other “skill”. I am often called out (in a good way) for my creativity and I see patterns easily / think outside the box, but I’d swap pretty much all of that for being able to drive X

Are you ND possibly?
If it helps, I passed on my first go, learning to drive in London.
That scarred me for life and I haven't driven since. With instructor in the car and their dual pedals I felt fine.
I have terrible fear of hitting someone and the spatial skills plus the multitasking 😭
I'm fairly competent in various areas of life, but driver I'm not. Maybe you aren't either?

I found learning to drive very hard. I passed my test a year ago, and driving after my test has been absolutely fine. My biggest problem was getting over the thought that I couldn't do it, and the way my nervous system would short circuit over micro-analysing my instructor micro-analysing me.
Things that helped me:
An instructor with a gentle manner and nerves of steel, who was happy to talk me through things in real time.
A small car to learn in, which had a parking cam.
Lots and lots of practice (like, so much) to get my foot calibrated.

I honestly was wishing I'd never started, was so scared I'd never pass, literally just before I passed on my second try.
It is possible to feel completely hopeless, but actually not be.
Good luck

It’s really easy to get a ‘thing’ about driving, so don’t beat yourself up about it, but do realise it’s irrational. Some people learn slower for sure, but anyone can learn to
drive.

Get an automatic
Get a lovely driving instructor who is good with low confidence people who find it tough
Have some CBT to reframe your thinking if you are really hung up
keep at it, no more gaps

This was me 4 months ago.
I'd been trying to learn to drive on and off for nearly 10 years. I once had a driving instructor refund me the rest of my bulk booking because he thought I wouldn't pass ever.
It made me feel like such a failure.
In the end I posted on my local Facebook page asked for instructor recommendations.
The same driving school kept coming up so I got in touch with them.
I found it really useful to be really upfront with the instructor on the first lesson what I was finding hard.
The first instructor I had did a trial lesson with me and gave me lots of confidence but said she thought that I'd be better with a different instructor from the school. He was very methodical with his teaching and would show me lots of visuals on his iPad of exactly what to do. He was really patient and helped me find a reference point for everything.
I passed my test 6months later and have been driving my own car for 4 months.
You can do it!

Have you had the same instructor throughout?

I really struggled when I first started learning. Took my test 4 times, but always fucked up either the 3-point turn or the reverse round the corner.

After my 4th test, the waiting list for tests was really long (a year), so I stopped having lessons and when I was ready to start again, my previous instructor was fully booked, so I got another one. His approach was really different, he was very patient, and he explained things in a completely different way. I sailed through my 5th test without a single fault.

I've been driving for over 50 years now and must have done countless thousands of miles, and in all that time I've had 2 minor accidents (which is a miracle because I'm a complete klutz and really accident prone).

If you've always had the same one, I'd try someone different.

My instructors car has coloured dots on the windscreen and side windows to help her learners.

So on the left hand side of the windscreen there's a green yellow and red dot for 1m distance, 0.5m distance and 0.25m distance. So when you're passing stationary vehicles, or pulling in to stop or park you can see how far away you are from the kerb

There's others on the side windows and side mirrors for prompting to start turning when bay parking or parallel parking

It's really useful. Could you suggest that to your instructor?

I have absolutely the worst spatial awareness out of anyone I know. Learning to drive was hard, I took four attempts to pass my test. However I got there and now (25 years later) I am a good driver, never had an accident, points etc. It really is just practice. You are not too stupid.

Specifically visual fields? The test where you have to click a button when you see flashing lights? My Mum wore glasses from age 3, had regular checks, but never visual fields, until she reached an age for glaucoma screening (runs in my family). The optician was shocked by the gaps in her fields, she was rushed off to eye casualty, where they were equally shocked. She said her vision was the same as always, and sure enough, repeated tests over the years have been unchanged. It had clearly always been like that, and she’d just adjusted to it.

Do you think you might be putting too much pressure on yourself?
Maybe try some calming drops from Holland & Barratt. Not sure if it worked as a placebo but it calmed me before driving tests. So it could work for lessons. I think you need to click with the instructor aswell. Hope you manage to find something that works for you.

I struggled to learn to drive due to hearing impairment and dyslexia. I got my own car automatic, I had extra lessons from family as long as you have dual control for the passenger to break its allowed. They have to be driving for more than 5 years. You basically need more lessons, you need to keep it consistent. Its not affordable with an instructor hence why I got own car & still had lessons in that car with instructor too. Plz do not give up. The older u get the harder it is to remember .

Can you move somewhere with better transport and then it might not be such an issue? I grew up in the middle of nowhere and driving is obviously absolutely essential. Where I live now, it’s absolutely optional.

Another thing, if you think you have neurodivergence or dyspraxia or something, look for a specialist disability instructor in your area who has experience with things like that. It doesn’t matter if you’re diagnosed or not.

Can you do an intense course? I’m sure that’s what helped me pass first time. I did 2 hours a day, 4 times a week for a month and passed. X