I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

I know two people of unnaturally high intelligence amd attainment who can't drive. One has never got the hang of right and left - I won't say what she does for a living, but she is super important. The other, a man, is too frightened and he is a C-suite exec. Both have Oxbridge degrees. Then. I grew up with someone else - now a vicar - and she passed on her 23rd attempt. I am not making that up. a) That is just too expensive these days and would take over a decade to book all those tests. b) I'm very glad she doesn't live nearby, because I have a very strong belief she is still a nightmare on the road. No need at all to feel ashamed - it can't be for everyone, because nothing is.

I knew someone with similar problems who got over them by using a driving computer simulation. I think she had to buy a joystick and the program, but that was all. She was able to practise for hours and hours by herself under relaxed conditions between lessons, and it made all the difference.

I would suggest, as you can’t get out with anyone apart from your driving instructor, to utilise YouTube videos. When I was learning I watched Conquerdriving and DriveLondon videos. Conquer Driving is lessons by this really nice guy on all areas of driving to pass your test. Drive London is mock tests with people, highlighting where they go wrong and either fail or pass.

I found watching videos fantastic. For me, they were almost as good as having a lesson. I would watch a couple of hours of videos and go off to my lesson feeling much more confident.

I think you should persevere, but supplement driving lessons with watching lots and lots of online lessons (which you can watch again and again until you have grasped the message!) and mock test videos. Good luck!

There is a hypnotherapist who has a programme called Roads to Success if you happen to be in the Southwest.

For what it’s worth I don’t think manual v automatic car is the big cure all that people think. It’s only one small aspect of driving. It took me many years and different instructors amd lessons to pass my test and changing gears was not the issue.

I have passed my test but i cant drive anywhere with multiple lanes. I think I have dispraxia. I would suggest arranging your life so you dont need to drive. Get SEN transport for your kids and live in an area with decent public transport.

I had the same problems as you & then discovered that my eyesight is so bad, even with glasses, that I'd never get behind the wheel of the car, let alone pass the test. I too was a single parent. I just had to work it out. Sorry not to give more encouraging news but some of us just can't! I was relieved in some ways because I hated driving tbh. Hope you can sort something out xx

I'm not going to tell you that anyone can learn to drive, because it isn't true. Plenty of people can't, even those with loads of money, including J K Rowling (due to lack of spatial awareness), David Mitchell, Ed Sheeran, Ricky Gervais, Jennifer Lopez etc.

My friend with dyspaxia chose not to learn because he thought he would be a risk to other people - he isn't always sure of left and right; can't judge speed; can't process information quickly; can't judge time passing; can't follow a straight line etc.

If you have genuinely been taking lessons for as long as you say you have and are still panicking at roundabouts, then perhaps this isn't something you can learn.

How long will your DCs be at different schools? Could one of your family/friends drive one of them and you go on public transport with the other? Speak to a local taxi firm to see how much a regular arrangement would cost - it might not be as much as running a car anyway. Have you spoken to the schools about the situation you're in? They might possibly have some suggestions. Maybe another parent at the school could drive one of yours if you pay them?

You are in a very stressful position trying to balance the needs of where to live and being able to get your children to their schools. It does sound as though you might have dyspraxia reading about your spatial awareness problem, not being able to make lane changes easily. You should contact your GP to ask about a referral to an occupational therapist, because this will be vital to know if you have dyspraxia. Do you have trouble with walking into things, bumping into people, trouble with fine motor skills, people joke you are clumsy etc? Those fit symptoms of dyspraxia and I have asked for a referral myself and I could never drive. My sense of direction is horrific. With regards to your children and transportation to school, could they not qualify for help from your local council to be taken to and from school? In my area I have seen special transport buses that collect and drop off children with special needs. Taxi companies also have contracts to transport children to and from school with an adult who is in the taxi to collect and drop off the child/ren for their safety. You should enquire about this to see if your children could qualify for help getting to and from school. If you do have dyspraxia and been trying to learn to drive since your 20s then it doesn't seem highly likely you will pass. People also need to declare a learning disability that can affect your ability to drive safely or be fined £1,000 and sorry to say, you don't sound like you'd be a safe driver.

i passed my fifth time when i was 32-didnt think i could do it was always petrifeid-the right teacher makes a massive difference

there is no trick or anything you just start feeling compfrtable doing it

It doesn’t like you have a good instructor or one suited to you. Don’t they talk about your progress and your goals for the lesson or where you’re at for being test ready?
Having the right instructor changes everything

Some of the YouTube channels I found helpful were:
-DGN Driving
-Driving school TV
-Clearview Driving
-Conquer Driving
I honestly didn't understand driving until I started watching them.

Are you an overthinker?
People who are find it most difficult to learn.

What you need is a really good, patient instructor who is recommended by others who really struggled (their will be loads of them).

May I suggest a list so that you can monitor progress and gain confidence as you progress through it.

Get an experienced instructor to even help with it.

1. Rules of the road - speeds, signage etc
2. Cars Controls - mirrors, gears, break, accelerator, cutch
3. Mirrors & Observation - which is best mirrors for which purpose, indicators - how & timing
4. Stop/Start - starting, stopping, accelerating
5. Reversing - starting, topping, accelerating
6. Turning - right turns, left turns, 3 point turns
7. Hill starts
8. Speed & Progression
9. Entering Roads - pulling out, joining lanes, merging lanes
10. Obstacles & Observation - reacting to hazards, overtaking, emergency breaking
11. Parking - drive in, reverse, parrellel

Your own goal should - am I improving? It doesn't matter if it's slowly - progress is progress.

I'm sure I've left stuff out but perhaps it's trying to get to the end result rather than slowly building up the skills that is causing the main problem.

You wouldn't try running a marathon without first getting a basis level of fitness, then 5ks, 10ks, half marathon etc. Stop being so hard on yourself.

Put a plan B in place too i.e. if I don't pass, I will use bus, taxi etc - this will take the pressure off and make it easier to learn at the best pace for you.

Built in practice time too. I think it was 2 years after I passed that I actually became a good driver. It's the consistency and build up of hours and regular practice. Learning in a 2 hour period without practice those skills before the next lesson will put you at a disadvantage. If practice isn't possible, then give yourself leniency that your progression will be slower.

Seek strong recommendations for instructors in your area from people who really struggled too. Also try and find a good match/person you gel with - do you need a tough love instructor or a softer approach, does age or gender of the person?

How do you typically learn? In school, or at work? Some people work better reading this, others visually, others orally, others in practice/repeating what thry have just been shown? Again - try to determine which is best for you and then see if videos or audio etc.

You want to learn, there's no reason why it shouldn't be possible, you just haven't found a way and an instructor that works best for you yet.

You will get there. Pressure, especially self pressure and overthinking are the biggest barriers.

Apologies- far longer than intended!

You need to change your narrative OP. You need to change that voice that is telling you you're thick, you can't do it, why would you do it now after all this time yadi ya. This alone at least is not going to help you and at most just plain old will fail you.

Practise positive affirmations, write them down. Remember that when you start trying again the past failures don't mean anything, you aren't the past you. You are a different you, a you that needs this, to survive and to give your kids what they need.

Have you tried watching mock driving tests on YouTube? There's quite a few instructors with YouTube channels. I really struggled and found learning with an instructor hard but I started watching these and it worked. Some have people doing their lessons with another camera focusing on their feet. I found watching them do it more helpful than my instructor telling me to do it.
It's true what they say that you only really learn to drive once you've passed. I getting better everyday since passing my test in March.

I know you think getting taxis is expensive but have you actually worked out how much buying and running a car would actually cost?
Also, could you buy a car for a family member who then could drop off and pick up your DC? Or pay someone to do it

It must be so worrying for you but maybe you start looking for other solutions.

Also chat to your instructor to make it second nature

on the test I was talking about holidays and family life
it really relaxed me

For me and I've only recently passed at 44, it was a combination of doing automatic lessons and an absolutely amazingly instructor! Every time I had a bad lesson, he'd keep me going. For parking, use reference points in the mirrors. He never once made me feel stupid for making mistakes. I passed 2nd time with him.

You need someone who's patient, calm and understanding. I guess I got lucky in the end. I also tried multiple times over 20 years too.

Change instructor

i had 3

my third was fantastic

Do you practise in your own car or the instructor’s car @ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed?

Is there something specific you keep failing on, Op?

For me it was reverse parking into a bay. I couldn't get the hang of it in lessons and I failed 2 tests on this (the last part of the test in my local area was always reversing into a bay in the test centre.) In the end my instructor suggested I take my test at a test centre in the neighbouring town. As they only had on-street parking. It worked and I passed. Wondering if there's a similar workaround for whatever issues are tripping you up?

(BTW, Passed my test 20 years ago and I still can't reverse park into a bay. I just drive in forwards and reverse out!)

Driving with someone else daily is key. I know it may not be possible but if you went driving for at least an hour everyday driving would soon feel like second nature (after a few month). I couldn’t do it with just lessons

You may not remember Maureen from the tv show Driving School. She got there in the end and she was older.

I think the only negative to taxis you've mentioned is cost rather than unsuitability, lack of availability etc? Have you drawn up a comprehensive list to compare the cost of car ownership (lessons, tests, car, insurance, MOT, servicing, maintenance, fuel, car seats, cleaning etc) with the cost of taxis? I was shocked at how expensive it all is. I wonder if the saving will be as much as you think?