I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

Some places are easier to learn in than others btw! My husband failed his test many times in Stevenage - home of a million roundabouts and dual carriageways. We live in a suburban town with wide roads now and it was much easier for me! Location can make a big difference.

Does it feel any easier as you do more of it? I had two lots of learning to drive, once when 17 and again in my 30s. I thought I'd been terrible at 17 but in hindsight I was basically fine at getting from point a to b - just had an instructor who didn't build confidence. I know you mention some issues in the OP, but do you feel you've grown at all? Are there any routes where you're okay?

I'm not the best driver, but I'm very good at doing the school run now I've done it so many times! I'm still terrible at parking if someone is watching me...

You're at a tricky point - mentally you're telling yourself (and us) that you're terrible and nothing helps, but you're also saying you MUST do this. There's no easy answer, or you'd have already done it, but you're annoyed at people pointing this out.

The only thing to do is keep going - your brain will build connections and small aspects of it will become easier until you can do simple routes safely.

Not helpful.
And it’s ’you’re a danger ‘.

I think moving to London might make you realise you aren’t alone in not being able to drive. Also with transport links and all the free stuff you can do (we even have a beach in summer) your children would never be bored

Cargo bikes are a regular feature on our roads
No driving licence needed and they come in electric powered

I think there is driving you do to pass your test

Then there is driving in real life

Random question but do you have a stigmatism?

For years I had opticians trying to correct the stigmatism until one day, stood at the side of the road attempting to cross I noticed I couldn’t judge where the car actually was in relation to how fast or slow it was coming or was it 20 feet away or 200 metres away

i now have plain glass in my glasses in that eye or use only 1 contact lens

Have read a bit more. I do think your mental attitude and opinion of yourself is key. I finally passed when I stopped caring about it - I had decided if I didn't pass I would stop. I think subconsciously that took the pressure off.
Also I realise now just how bad a driver I was when I passed - the examiner said "well it's not wonderful but it'll do". I then gained confidence by actually having to drive by myself and as people say that's when you really learn.

Practice

Practice

Practise

From someone who failed 6 tests because they spent too long on trying to make sure the road was clear when doing a right hand turn and only passed on the 7th attempt because when I got to the junction there wasn’t a car in sight.

They are also missing out on a lot because their father has abandoned them completely. Their mother, on the other hand, is doing her very best for them. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

My kids (not SEN) grew up with me not having a car. I did feel bad about it sometimes but driving just made me too anxious to continue (I did have a licence, which has since expired). Yes there were a few times I wish I could just get over myself (didn’t help that my ex would belittle me in front of them for not driving). I knew my anxiety and fear of driving could compromise their safety so I was at peace with my decision.

I think you should investigate more transport help for your sen children going to school. Their happy childhood memories won’t be affected by you not driving.

I found it reasonably difficult learning, but made slow progress over time. There was no sudden click or secret. I did find videos/online tutorials useful particularly for roundabouts, as they explain what's happening in each lane and why, and overlay arrows onto the video to illustrate what they're saying etc. Generally anytime you don't understand why something happened as it did, ask the instructor but if you're still not clear then read about the issue online after the lesson.

I think whilst you are in this funk of saying you can’t, you will never, You are your own worse enemy

Learning to drive is about learning from your mistakes. It is about realising you have f*cked up and trying to remember what you are supposed to do the next time even if it’s the 1001 times you have made the same error.

I think this pressure about passing your test by a certain time is not doing you any good.

I doubt even if you were test ready and applied to take your theory test today and passed it first time, I think your would be lucky to get a driving test date before Christmas.

I know around my area it’s at least a few months before you can do your theory and a longer wait to do your test

I think cutting down on the lessons for a while to one per week and seeing a therapist or a hypnotherapist to change your mind set might be better in the long run.

ATM I feel you are approaching lessons with the mindset that you are going to fail and not you are there to learn and mistakes are part of learning. That’s why your driving instructor has pedals on his side of the car.
If no one made mistakes when learning there wouldn’t be dual controls on the car

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to post to say you are NOT stupid. I also really struggled with learning to drive in my late twenties and sat my test 6 or 7 times - I lost count. I was also tempted to abandon the whole idea. However I did persevere and am soo glad that I did - the independence it gives you is priceless. I haven't any other tips other than believe in yourself and keep going. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best

Even if you pass your test that’s not necessarily the end of your driving challenges. The reality will be that you put your children's safety in your hands every time you get in the car and face all the challenges driving can entail. Will you be ok with that? Will you be ok to incur all the costs running a car takes?

Just to add that you not driving does not make you a bad mother! Raising two children with SEN most likely means you've already had to problem solve and think outside the box more than most parents. This is one of those situations that requires those skills you've most likely already honed! For what it's worth, you sound like a fantastic parent to have tried so hard and valiantly to drive. Please don't base your self worth on passing your test. The fact you've put in so much effort already proves how much you care, and how much strength and determination is in you, which will stand you and your children in such good stead going forward. Your children need your love and support, and a happy mum more than anything. There will be a solution somehow, don't give up on trying to find that, or on yourself!

I really think OP that you may have to accept that you can't drive. You won't be the only one. It's not for everyone. Even if you pass your test it sounds as if it would always be hard for you.

More info I found online in case it helps:

The law regarding provision of home to school transport applies to all children, and free transport for eligible children is vey clear.
The Education Act 1996 (s.508 (B) and Schedule 35) contains the definition of an ‘eligible’ child for the purposes of receiving home to school transport. If a child falls within the definition, the law states that the local authority (LA) responsible for them must make the necessary suitable travel arrangements so that he or she can travel between home and school. Importantly, these must be provided free of charge.

The law requires the LA to arrange free, suitable, home to school transport for children of compulsory school age who are ‘eligible’ to their nearest suitable school.

Having SEN and or a disability is one of the criteria for being an eligible child.

Where a young person is over 16 years old and attending school or college the law requires a LA to have home to school or college transport arrangements in place to enable them to attend education or training.

I haven’t read every post, so this could be repetitive, but driving - vehicle, fuel, parking, tax, insurance, maintenance - is expensive. And so are endless lessons - I know this, it took me 9 attempts!

Could you budget to rely on Uber and public transport? Even if it involved moving house? I think at this stage it could be the case that even if you passed your test, you’d never want to drive in the car alone?

If you have truly exhausted the options suggested then perhaps speak to your MP.

Mumsnet cannot change reality so you can drive tomorrow.

Surely being put into care(!) would be a worse outcome than being with your mum but not going to the beach often!

A flippant point, but there is a possibility you really can't master driving and won't pass a test in the next year, and life will have to go on in that case.

What about looking at vehicles you can drive

Pretty sure something like a low powered Renault Twizy doesn’t require a full driving licence. I know they do one that does require a licence which goes up to 80km per hour

I know in Europe you can definitely drive these cars

They don’t go fast (I think top speed is about 27mph) and you can’t use motorways but it might help with actually getting a better understanding of the roads and make things more accessible. They do 3 seater versions

Depending where you live, I have seen many of these cars in central London which don’t really look unsafe as traffic is going under 10mph and there are a lot of bikes around They do look quite unsafe when I have seen them on dual carriageways but if you were going anywhere like the seaside for the day I would plan to arrive very early before traffic has built up and leave much later

Just to get dc to two different schools this type of thing would be a huge help

Have your kids got EHCPs? If so, you can request transport to school as part of this (not a guarantee they'd get it but worth trying). Sorry if you've already tried this. Info I found states:

"All children of compulsory school age who live outside of the statutory walking distance are entitled to free transport (2 miles for under 8s and 3 miles for over 8s).

The law also states that even if a child lives within statutory walking distance, they may still be entitled to free transport if they:

• are from a low income family
• have an unsafe route to school
• have SEND"