AIBU

I actually think that, a good year into a relationship, it should be nice, or 'comfortable' to spend time together at each other's houses whilst either of gets on with 'stuff that needs doing'.
If this were a month in, I would be expecting some more effort, and to be going out on dates etc., but, after a year, when either - or it sounds like both - of you have a lot going on, then just being around each other ought to be nice. Sit on his bed and chat whilst he gets something done would be fine by me.

The whirlwind of 'dates' and thinking of somewhere to go is something that happens in the early days. After a year, you should be able to mix those more 'special feeling' evenings with some of the more mundane ones, particularly if you are thinking this might be going somewhere as a longer term relationship.

If you don't feel he is good enough in his 'every day' mode, then maybe he is not the man for you.

I agree with you OP bin him off

I hang out with my husband of 26 years when he is packing / unpacking as I like to chat to him. It sounds like you want a more formal relationship and that's OK. But I don't think he is being unreasonable either.

You both want different things - you need to split up.

I completely understand what you're saying and have actually just recently split up with somebody in the same circumstances. He was a really lovely guy but we hardly got any time together as he had his kids 50-50 and worked the opposite weekend. I ended up feeling like a bit of a convenience and school holidays were awful as there was absolutely no time for us. I do feel incredibly sad about it and recognize that I struggled for time too (a very controlling ex who wouldn't stick to any kind of contact and older kids hear a lot too) but I definitely made more opportunities for time than he did. I'm sorry you're feeling let down but I totally get it. It was really hard to make the decision and move on and it will be a long time before I want to date again, I think sometimes you just have to be really honest with yourself about what your needs are otherwise you just end up feeling frustrated. It's really hard to walk away when you find a decent guy, but there has to be time for you as well. Big hugs to you.

I agree with everything you've said and would feel the same. After a discussion with him about your feelings if the same situation continues I would just accept it's not the kind of relationship you want and suggest you go your own ways.

But then you're guilt tripping him about it which makes it clear that you do want to go over.

I think you have an awful lot going on, you say one of your kids is self harming/has self harmed.
You rightly would like a supportive partner, but I’m afraid he’s not that for you.
You deserve better than being slotted into his life when and if he can manage it.

And you're not in the wrong at all to want more, it's just that he's unable to give it to you.

Sometimes that's the worst situation and makes it so much harder to break up. If someone does something awful, you have anger and the moral high ground on your side. When someone can't give you what you need from them and continually disappoints you, that's deeply hurtful but makes you question yourself.

It's perfectly fine (but difficult) to walk away from someone who can't give you what you want or need.

This doesn’t sound as if it works for you

I'm sorry but I think YABU. You want to come over when he's just got back from a trip, but you don't want him to do his washing/unpacking. Especially when he's got his kids the following days. I wouldn't want to leave all these jobs not done so I could have "quality time".

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. He sounds as if he wants your physical presence but isn’t bothered about sharing much else. That would annoy me too- as would someone getting cross when I suggest meeting another time if they’re tired!

OK, the first two things I wouldn't mind at all, but the doom scrolling and TV would feel really low effort.

That's not to sat it's necessarily his fault as such - we all get tired and need that sometimes. It's more that he's got a lot of other stuff on and it doesn't feel enough for you.

I do think maybe you could have worded it better, like "if you have time, I'd love to have dinner together but if you are still busy with unpacking we can catch up on Tuesday" or whatever. I think given that he's still busy caring for children half the time, 'fitting in' is just what it would be for a while until they're grown.

Bail. He’s not ready for you.
You deserve better/more.

Do you cook for him etc? I'm just wondering if he wants you to look after him when he's a bit fragile. Or even hangover sex? Men are usually only about two things sex and food. 😂
Definitely decline if he wants you to nurse maid him.