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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

507 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
TiredMummma · 14/04/2025 08:42

She is not your friend and she is taking advantage of you. It isn’t the two weddings, it’s the no inviting you after you were willing. You sound gullible and if the bride said jump, you would say how high. It’s not about you, because she is made it about you. She didn’t invite you to her wedding or message you about it in advance. Why is this person your friend when you make all of the effort?

Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 08:31

OP here. Thanks for all of your replies. Just to clarify a few points.

The venue booked for the wedding is licensed.

Bride and Groom are not religious.

Including me, there are 3 bridesmaids.

The Bride described the legal side of things to me as this - ‘We are going to have a small legal ceremony - Bridesmaid 1 and 2 and their families and the Groomsman/Best Man. We are having poems and doing vows and then we will go to a local hotel for food and drinks.’

I haven’t spoken with her yet and probably won’t until later this week. I think contacting her from a place of curiosity makes the most sense to me as I am quite baffled by it.

OP posts:
Fioratourer · 14/04/2025 08:30

I think she hasn’t been a great friend or she would have told you in advance what she was doing. It sounds like she uninvited you from bridesmaid duty. It’s a bit odd to change the wedding and still have a party. But each to their own. Your post seemed concerned about her but not so much about yourself. I think you are allowed to feel hurt and can tell her!

OpheliaNightingale · 14/04/2025 08:27

@Cheesehound they almost certainly have a seperate Whattsapp group where all of this was being discussed/arranged, hence why you weren’t aware. There seems to be a high level of secrecy around the official ceremony/celebratory meal. It’s odd that you as the bridesmaid were left out. I’d be hurt too.

I’d be tempted to contact her from a place of curiosity, perhaps have a telephone conversation with her?

RawBloomers · 14/04/2025 08:19

Silverstars21 · 14/04/2025 07:55

It's my understanding a Catholic ceremony in church is essential for catholics to be recognised as married. I believe it's called a convallidation ceremony so yes I would consider this witnessing them getting married.

Show quote history

The state will recognise them as married if they don’t have a Catholic ceremony. Most of the people who have a split wedding consider the vows in front of family and friends to be the bit that makes them married too, even though the state recognises them as married without that. Why do you respect the Catholic Church’s view that something more is necessary, but not the views of others who want more than a state sanction from something so big?

StupidBoy · 14/04/2025 08:04

She's essentially had two weddings to make a fuss over, which is a bit OTT. I understand you sometimes need to go through the official legal marriage ahead of the big wedding ceremony and party, but if that's the case then it should be kept as low key as possible with just the necessary witnesses, or perhaps at most, the B&Gs parents. I think to start inviting bridesmaids and their partners and families is daft when there is still a big hen party and wedding day to get through.

That said, she has done that, so she should have given you the option of attending, to save misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I think this is less about you feeling you really wanted to be there for this bit and more than you feel a bit replaced by her new friends?

Perhaps she thought as you don't live close it would be an upheaval and an added expense for you, but out of courtesy she should have given you the optionand made it clear that you shouldn't feel obligated. I suspect she feels a bit more detached from you since you no longer live close to one another and she has other equally close friends in her 'new' life.

Silverstars21 · 14/04/2025 07:55

RawBloomers · 14/04/2025 07:41

So you would go to a Catholic wedding but claim you hadn’t seen the couple get married?

Show quote history

It's my understanding a Catholic ceremony in church is essential for catholics to be recognised as married. I believe it's called a convallidation ceremony so yes I would consider this witnessing them getting married.

SwanOfThoseThings · 14/04/2025 07:49

Shelby2010 · 14/04/2025 00:12

Quick question…

How do people see Renewal of Vows?

Being a non-legal celebration of being married, are these on the same level as a non-legal wedding? Would you, as a guest, feel the same level of commitment to spend money booking hotels & getting dressed up as you would for the original wedding?

I see them as pointless - when people make their wedding vows, they don't have an expiry date. If they have broken their vows, that doesn't seem like a thing to be celebrated with a 'renewal' - it's a thing to reflect on privately. I certainly wouldn't view a 'vow renewal' in the same light as a wedding and travel miles to attend one in a specially-bought outfit.

People who want to 're-celebrate' their wedding are better off having a wedding anniversary party. I suppose nowadays in this era of instant gratification people don't want to wait for 25 years and their Silver Wedding, but they could have a 10 year anniversary party, for example.

AprilBunny · 14/04/2025 07:48

You are still her very good friend but you aren’t in her top two (neither were her parents or siblings). Not everyone can be everyone’s best friend.

LillyPJ · 14/04/2025 07:42

It just shows how daft the whole marriage/wedding business has become. All this fuss, anxiety and expense is ridiculous.

Summerlovin24 · 14/04/2025 07:42

YANBU
It's irrelevant what was the legal bit and what wasn't
You weren't in the chosen few to attend and I would be hurt.
I would be tempted not to go to the party and hen but would mull over it and would probably go. Maybe go to wedding party by yourself to avoid dragging kids there as your husband doesnt sound keen anyway
. However whatever you decide you know where you are on the friendship scale with her now. Leave her to make effort when she wants to see you next and only see her when it suits you and you have the £

RawBloomers · 14/04/2025 07:41

Silverstars21 · 14/04/2025 07:29

I thought the whole point about a wedding was every guest witnessing the bride & groom getting married with the celebrations afterwards an add on to celebrate the event. Personally if I didn't witness the couple actually getting married I wouldn't feel I had attended a wedding. There is something very special & even emotional especially for close family & friends in witnessing & hearing a couple repeating their vows etc.

In OPs friends main wedding party later do the couple go through another ceremony repeating the same vows as they did in the legal ceremony. All very confusing.

Edited

So you would go to a Catholic wedding but claim you hadn’t seen the couple get married?

SwanOfThoseThings · 14/04/2025 07:40

GirlWhatHaveYouDoneYoureAPinkPonyGirl · 13/04/2025 14:12

Totally normal to separate legals these days, weddings have changed a lot in the past 5 years, the legal transaction is a digital certificate, 52 word exchange and no rings or vows required.
This is my industry and you need to stop viewing the legal transaction as the ‘wedding’ . view it like they are, like doing the legal transaction to get a birth certificate and then having the christening/naming afterwards. Nobody says the birth certificate but was the ‘official naming’ do they?

I don't understand why it has become 'totally normal' to do this.

I can see it if you are of a religious faith which has a marriage ceremony that isn't legally valid in the UK or wherever you live - you have no choice but to have a separate civil ceremony, and the religious ceremony is what will 'count' for everyone as the couple being married in the eyes of God.

But if your traditional faith ceremony is legally valid, as Christian church weddings are in the UK, or if your separation of legal and 'celebration' has nothing to do with religion, I can't understand why anyone would want to do this.

Silverstars21 · 14/04/2025 07:39

TheHerboriste · 14/04/2025 07:31

Agree.

People who lie to their guests are reprehensible.

Show quote history

I agree. Although I'm all about harmony I think OP has every right to be hurt & a bit annoyed at not finding out the situation until after the marriage. She should at the very least have been given the opportunity to attend, especially given she is one of the bridesmaids.

Mirandawrongs · 14/04/2025 07:38

She doesn’t think as much of you as you do of her.
stop arranging the hen do. You can’t have a hen do after you’re married.
this will be a night out with (apparently) strangers.
sorry op

TheHerboriste · 14/04/2025 07:31

Silverstars21 · 14/04/2025 07:29

I thought the whole point about a wedding was every guest witnessing the bride & groom getting married with the celebrations afterwards an add on to celebrate the event. Personally if I didn't witness the couple actually getting married I wouldn't feel I had attended a wedding. There is something very special & even emotional especially for close family & friends in witnessing & hearing a couple repeating their vows etc.

In OPs friends main wedding party later do the couple go through another ceremony repeating the same vows as they did in the legal ceremony. All very confusing.

Edited

Agree.

People who lie to their guests are reprehensible.

Silverstars21 · 14/04/2025 07:29

I thought the whole point about a wedding was every guest witnessing the bride & groom getting married with the celebrations afterwards an add on to celebrate the event. Personally if I didn't witness the couple actually getting married I wouldn't feel I had attended a wedding. There is something very special & even emotional especially for close family & friends in witnessing & hearing a couple repeating their vows etc.

In OPs friends main wedding party later do the couple go through another ceremony repeating the same vows as they did in the legal ceremony. All very confusing.

TheHerboriste · 14/04/2025 07:19

Worklifewhat · 14/04/2025 06:45

I wouldn’t be bothered about it. My sister did the same 2 ceremony thing and to her the legal bit was just that, the necessary legal bit. In their heads the actual wedding was the celebrant service. She didn’t bother inviting many people for the legal service because it wasn’t the important bit for them and similarly your friend maybe didn’t feel you needed to travel for something that was just a formality to them.
I’d talk to your friend so she understands that you feel sad about it but make the most of the hen do and celebrant ceremony with her. Not worth losing sleep or a friendship about in my eyes.
Good luck!

Between the”legal bit” and the “ceremony” did they intend to not avail themselves of their status as married?

RawBloomers · 14/04/2025 07:19

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 01:08

This is the law in this country as the Head of State is also the Head of the Church of England, and has been since Henry VIII.

Those that don't like it can campaign to abolish the monarchy but I am not sure that would help the situation

France has a republic but civil marriage is legally required, religious ceremonies can be held separately, with the most common being Catholic or Protestant. You can have a Catholic or Protestant wedding after completing the legal civil ceremony at the town hall.

In Spain a Catholic wedding is the only religious Christian ceremony that is considered legal. A Protestant wedding is not considered legal but it's an option if you want to have a solemn ceremony where your union can be blessed.

I think you will find most EU countries operate in a similar way.

Show quote history

That it is the law doesn’t mean that sneering at people who have to separate their legal and religious ceremonies because of that law is in any way justified.

That’s just bigotry.

Hillarious · 14/04/2025 07:14

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:47

@Hillarious - No, not family, just local friends and their partners and kids.

“Local” is the key word here. Obviously kept low key before the main event.

RawBloomers · 14/04/2025 07:09

George1584 · 14/04/2025 06:19

Not UK... England and Wales.

Sounds like England needs to catch up with the beliefs of it's citizens. Can only have registrar ( with only legal vows) or C of E, Quaker or Jewish ceremony (last census tells us few people are these religions).

Most people want to have a personalised celebration or maybe different religious ceremony so what option has the English law given them but to have "sham" wedding days and enactments as any posters have described people's thoughtfully planned celebrations here?

Show quote history

Sorry, yes. That was poor of me. Scotland and Northern Ireland do not have the same discriminatory and out of touch laws.

(Though, from what I’ve read, Scotland is not fantastic about secular weddings, requiring celebrations/officiants to subscribe to a belief system of sorts, even if it doesn’t have to be theist.)

pelargoniums · 14/04/2025 07:04

EatingHealthy · 14/04/2025 03:38

Did the bridesmaids' families all go to the ceremony or just for the meal after?

Yabu. However you feel about people doing the legal bit separately to the big celebration it's accepted practice nowadays for lots of reasons.

She did the legal bit with a few witnesses and then had a casual meal with them and their families since they were all together anyway.

The reality is you're feeling hurt because you feel like the bride has told you she isn't as close to you as she is to her other friends. That may or may not be true (it may just be that she wanted to keep it low key and since they're closer geographically that was the easier thing to do), but either way it's time to grow up and deal with it. Some friends we're closer to, some times who that is fluctuates over time, she obviously still values your friendship otherwise she wouldn't have asked you to be bridesmaid. You're making this into a much bigger deal than it is. The important occasion for her - the one where they celebrate their commitment to each other - is the one you're going to, this was just dealing with legalities.

Came here to say exactly this! The bride has just sorted some admin in advance of her big wedding this summer. J-Lo and Ben Affleck did the same thing!

Coffeeismybestfriend · 14/04/2025 06:55

When me and DH got married, we had a ‘normal’ wedding day with a celebrant, 150 guests, big celebration etc then had a legal ceremony about a month after - it was us, one groomsman and his partner plus our two youngest DC’s. We didn’t overthink it, we didn’t even consider inviting the other groomsmen or bridesmaids because this part to us wasn’t the wedding, just the legal part that we couldn’t do on the day.

I completely understand how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling this way, but try not to overthink it, sounds like they just had their two witnesses plus a groomsman/best man. I’d ignore the fact that their children were invited. Try to forget this and enjoy the hen do and wedding as if this legal ceremony hadn’t happened x

UndermyShoeJoe · 14/04/2025 06:48

I don’t mind a legal wedding followed by a party.

I don’t like a fake wedding sold as the actual wedding.

Anywhere here the bridesmaids all went bar the op that’s just shitty why invite onto be a bridesmaid then not actually have her involved in the day with other bridesmaids.

Dustyyy · 14/04/2025 06:46

YABU and overreacting (imo). When you are calmer just ask her why she didn’t invite you, if you must.

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