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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

507 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
OhYeahOhYeah · 14/04/2025 09:41

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:48

@AprilBunny Both sets of parents are alive and well - neither set were there. One lives locally and one further away.

Show quote history

With neither sets of parents/ their own families there, it certainly sounds like an admin wedding, and that she hasn’t put much weight on this as the real deal.

I suspect no one who wasn’t local was asked to come and the two bridesmaids who were there, were a convenience pair of witnesses.

I understand you are feeling hurt, but a gentle conversation and I suspect you will be put at ease that you are very important to her, and a special piece in the wedding puzzle.

I’d bet a tenner that they didn’t really realise the celebrant wasn’t legally binding and this is a quickie solution to that issue xx

HuffleMyPuffle · 14/04/2025 09:41

OK that's all a bit odd

Is the place definitely licensed?

Perhaps they need the legal bit in place for something beforehand like a mortgage? Perhaps the venue has said they won't have someone available for the legal bit the day she's booked?

It's still possible that the other bridesmaids pushed for the reading and Bride just went along

This is why talking to her is important

TwentyTwentyFive · 14/04/2025 09:38

Do you think her mum and dad and PIL are bitching about her behind her back and debating about whether to go to the wedding because she had this small legal ceremony first that they weren't invited to?

If her in laws posted on here to say they'd paid for a wedding and their son/dil had got married a few months before they'd be quite rightly told they weren't unreasonable to be pissed off.

I don't see how it's unkind to say the friend wouldn't have done this if she and her husband had been paying for the wedding. There's no way they would have had two ceremonies so it's reasonable to conclude they've only done it because they're not having to foot the bil of the party the in-laws are paying for.

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 09:37

RawBloomers · 14/04/2025 07:19

That it is the law doesn’t mean that sneering at people who have to separate their legal and religious ceremonies because of that law is in any way justified.

That’s just bigotry.

Show quote history

@RawBloomers Who's sneering?

XiCi · 14/04/2025 09:37

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids

Seems pretty obvious that your DH is fuelling the fire with this because he didn't want to go to the wedding in the first place

HuffleMyPuffle · 14/04/2025 09:35

OpheliaNightingale · 14/04/2025 08:27

@Cheesehound they almost certainly have a seperate Whattsapp group where all of this was being discussed/arranged, hence why you weren’t aware. There seems to be a high level of secrecy around the official ceremony/celebratory meal. It’s odd that you as the bridesmaid were left out. I’d be hurt too.

I’d be tempted to contact her from a place of curiosity, perhaps have a telephone conversation with her?

They are friends in the same area

Ffs of course they have a separate WhatsApp group

They will have had it before the wedding. They'll use it after the wedding too

It's not some "high level secrecy"

It's "I need 2 witnesses for the legal bit."
"OK but I'm bringing the kids"
"Me too"
"Fine. So Saturday night are we still on for drinks at the local?"

Shinyandnew1 · 14/04/2025 09:34

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids

Can you just go on your own? What money would that save you?

If you don't want to go on the hen night, I'd pull out. If you do, go.

I think it's more odd that they have done this and neither sets of parents went!

XiCi · 14/04/2025 09:33

Why bother with the expense of a stately home for the ‘wedding’ - but then on reflection it is being paid for my her in-laws so she can afford it on someone else’s dime

That's a pretty nasty thing to say about someone you describe as a close friend.

Do you think her mum and dad and PIL are bitching about her behind her back and debating about whether to go to the wedding because she had this small legal ceremony first that they weren't invited to?

Just a ridiculous amount of drama and angst. When she messaged you why not just reply and say 'sounds lovely, you should have let me know I'd have liked to have been there' then you would have got the reasoning which let's face it will likely be that she didn't want you to have to travel all that way when you are doing so for what she considers her big day. Instead there's days of unnecessary second guessing and online discussion and a 'furious' DH. Christ alive, if its really bothering you that much just speak to her. You could have called her a thousand times the time you've taken on this thread

JuliaLilian · 14/04/2025 09:33

Quite right she is making a bigger deal than the bride is - she’s the one who is hurt by the bride’s behaviour. I’d be offended and hurt in her position too.

BlushingBrightly · 14/04/2025 09:31

Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 08:31

OP here. Thanks for all of your replies. Just to clarify a few points.

The venue booked for the wedding is licensed.

Bride and Groom are not religious.

Including me, there are 3 bridesmaids.

The Bride described the legal side of things to me as this - ‘We are going to have a small legal ceremony - Bridesmaid 1 and 2 and their families and the Groomsman/Best Man. We are having poems and doing vows and then we will go to a local hotel for food and drinks.’

I haven’t spoken with her yet and probably won’t until later this week. I think contacting her from a place of curiosity makes the most sense to me as I am quite baffled by it.

Legal ceremony, poems, vows, special guests as witnesses, special outfits, celebration meal. It's a small wedding!

The second do will be a) larger and b) in a place they like. That's it! There was no need to do it twice. Especially as the venue is licensed.

Rosebushes · 14/04/2025 09:22

Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 09:19

Just horrible isn’t it @Rosebushes ? I haven’t fallen out with a friend for many years. At work I have confrontations almost every day but that isn’t personal, so easier to handle despite the unpleasantness.

The thought is always harder than the reality. You might talk to your friend and she might explain and you might think actually it isn’t as bad as I expected it to be, maybe it was extremely last minute and she just grabbed a couple of close friends and their dcs to get it done.

the fact she’s been open with you about what happened, I doubt there was malicious intent. I think what she’s done wasn’t done to upset you, but she was thoughtless x

Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 09:19

Just horrible isn’t it @Rosebushes ? I haven’t fallen out with a friend for many years. At work I have confrontations almost every day but that isn’t personal, so easier to handle despite the unpleasantness.

OP posts:
Rosebushes · 14/04/2025 09:17

Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 09:13

I will @Rosebushes - I am intending to this week. In a way I hate that I have to initiate this conversation more than actually not being invited. It’s horrible. I have a lot on at the moment (all positive stuff) but that’s not reason enough not to ask me to attend.

I completely understand, I hate starting conversations like this too and I am actually working on it with my therapist.

Please trust me you are not a bad friend for asking. Maybe a phone call might be easier? Sometimes it’s hard to gauge tones on message

custardcreme77 · 14/04/2025 09:16

I suppose the happy couple didn’t get many wedding presents for the first wedding. The ‘grand do’ later in the year will rectify that 😏

Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 09:13

I will @Rosebushes - I am intending to this week. In a way I hate that I have to initiate this conversation more than actually not being invited. It’s horrible. I have a lot on at the moment (all positive stuff) but that’s not reason enough not to ask me to attend.

OP posts:
Rosebushes · 14/04/2025 09:10

If you’ve been friends with someone for over 15 years and regard her as extremely close, you should be close enough to be able to ask her why you were not invited to her intimate service.

She has been really open about what’s happened, that is your opportunity to tell her you feel a bit gutted that the other bridesmaids and their DC were there but you were not told.

Really, none of us on MN know why the bride made her choice. Now you need to find out why, and then go from there.

You’re not making it all about you to question this, especially as you are close, also a bridesmaid and clearly putting effort into the hen

Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 09:10

CoraPirbright · 14/04/2025 08:53

Baffled is the word!! Why on earth bother with a separate legal ceremony if the venue they will have the second do at is licensed? And also why bother when it clearly isn’t important enough to have parents or siblings there? And yet have poems and a bridal looking dress? The whole thing is deeply weird imo.

@Windywuss She can be self-centred but also caring - I suppose like most people can be from time to time, but this feels next level total lack of awareness.

@CoraPirbright Your are right. It is deeply weird. My DH also thinks so. Why bother with the expense of a stately home for the ‘wedding’ - but then on reflection it is being paid for my her in-laws so she can afford it on someone else’s dime.

OP posts:
custardcreme77 · 14/04/2025 09:04

She is now married, she didn’t include you on that occasion - for whatever reason, she left you out. I wouldn’t waste any effort, time or money going to the next wedding. I’d be hard pressed to wish her well but I would and then withdraw from any of the ‘wedding’ plans going forward.

CoraPirbright · 14/04/2025 08:53

Baffled is the word!! Why on earth bother with a separate legal ceremony if the venue they will have the second do at is licensed? And also why bother when it clearly isn’t important enough to have parents or siblings there? And yet have poems and a bridal looking dress? The whole thing is deeply weird imo.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 14/04/2025 08:51

Oh I would be incredibly hurt by this. I can only hope that she was thinking of the travelling for you and that’s why she has a small legal ceremony and you are still part of the big day.

I would video call her to speak to her about it so you can see her honest reaction. If something feels off I would be pulling out of the wedding and hen do.

Sometimes it hurts to know you aren’t as close to people are you thought 😥

TwentyTwentyFive · 14/04/2025 08:49

Windywuss · 14/04/2025 08:46

That's more baffling. If it is licensed, then why do they need a legal bit? And when did she send that message? Could you not bring yourself to reply then?

Agreed. I'm also baffled by the fact she's been so open about how much of a big deal it was after all the initial secrecy?

I think this would be the end of the friendship for me, I genuinely can't see any reason why I'd stay friends with someone who would be so cold towards me. It's pretty obvious they see this part as the wedding and not just some legal necessity otherwise there would be no poems, no dress and no celebration.

Windywuss · 14/04/2025 08:49

Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 08:47

@Windywuss I was blindsided and it was happening the following day. I just didn’t feel it was the right time to say ‘hey, what about me?!’

I can understand that. I'm sorry. It must have been a shock.

Has she always been a bit insensitive/self centered?

Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 08:47

@Windywuss I was blindsided and it was happening the following day. I just didn’t feel it was the right time to say ‘hey, what about me?!’

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheesehound · 14/04/2025 08:46

How am I gullible @TiredMummma ? There’s not a whole lot you can do after the fact is there?

OP posts:
Windywuss · 14/04/2025 08:46

That's more baffling. If it is licensed, then why do they need a legal bit? And when did she send that message? Could you not bring yourself to reply then?

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