Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

It's not about attention
It's about Legal vs location

You want a specific place, sometimes you need legal bit separate

MN is so vile to other women!

If they're registered to do so

For most people getting married, the two go together - at the legal wedding.

No need for another ceremony, the job is done. Fine if people want/need lots of fuss and attention, have twenty events if you like - but don't pretend that it's a wedding when it isn't.

If the OP wasn't bridesmaid and organising a hen party it would be very meh.
Go or not to the party.

Its being part of the wedding party, being imposed upon to organise stuff and to then find out they have actually married with some of the wedding party in attendance.

I hope OP suits herself and match her friends energy.
Opt out of organising and being the bridesmaid for the party and attend as a guest herself if she likes for a bit.
I certainly wouldn't bother bringing husband children etc.

Nobody who really valued you and cared about you would be so cavalier about this.

There is absolutely no point in making a fuss and being upset.
Better to match her energy and suit herself going forward.

but that doesn't diminish the fact that the legal ceremony is the true meaningful moment where the couple makes their real commitment and vows to one another.

Legal vows are literally "there's no legal reason we can't marry and I take this person as my spouse"

Which feels a lot less meaningful than the "love, honour and cherish" type vows they will make at their supposed fake wedding

Similar thing happening to us OP!!

DP is ‘best man’ - has been told by groom which suit to buy and we have at ££s, stag do costing £££££s, booked hotel and childcare to attend ‘wedding’ - which we have now been told is a party and the wedding is a week earlier

Absolutely insane - I’ve told DP to return the suit and decline the ‘best man’ title - given it’s clearly just so they have some nice dressed up wedding photos and he will be BOILING in a wool suit in the height of summer

I’ve never understood this mumsnet obsession with the legal wedding being the ‘real’ wedding and if you invite people to a non legally binding ceremony then you’re lying to them by calling it a wedding (I know that’s not exactly what you’re saying OP but it seems to be a widely held sentiment). Clearly the bride and groom saw the legal ceremony as ‘just sorting out legal details’ and didn’t want you to go out of your way to attend an occasion which didn’t matter to them- actually the opposite of wanting fawning and a song and dance.

I’ve been to several weddings where the legal ceremony happened at a different time for various reasons and I wasn’t invited (including two when I was a bridesmaid!). The couples involved regarded the real wedding as the one where they made a commitment in front of friends and family, not when they signed some legal papers. They celebrate anniversaries of the celebrant/service/party day not the legal ceremony.

The "industry" might be pushing to strip away the legal ceremony to allow them to package a staged, commercialised version of a wedding instead - but that doesn't diminish the fact that the legal ceremony is the true meaningful moment where the couple makes their real commitment and vows to one another.

It is the legal ceremony that is the heart of it all, the binding vows, the real wedding the one the actually matters. Take the heart out of it and it is just a fancy dress up party.

Christenings are completely different. They are welcoming the infant into the church not the birth.

I’m sorry OP, yes that sounds like a small intimate ceremony for nearest and dearest. Fine, but to ask you to organise events and not be invited or clarified from the start doesn’t seem fair to me.

Here is your life choice, carry on and celebrate, decline to carry on organising or pull away. i think a conversation of understanding is in order.

I think it's likely a case of someone trying to be considerate and messing up - she probably thought it would be easier for you this way and didn't think it was that big a deal. People are more often choosing celebrants these days as they can be really personal and fun with the ceremony but if i'm correct they cannot do the legal parts.

I think it depends on your view of marriage, the actual registry services can be super short, literally 1 in 1 out and 20 mins max - travelling all that way for just that, she might see it as totally irrelevant and a waste of your time. Bit weird the other went though.
If she's doing a full she bang with hair, make up, dresses and a celebrant in the summer, then to her that's clearly the "proper" wedding and you're all invited and the hen do is before that. I kind of understand it's weird if technically/legally she's already married, but several venues don't actually allow you to legally wed as you need a license, so it's probably that the place they wanted couldn't do the legal bit. Honestly, just ring her congratulating her on "the legal bit" and ask her about it - you'll get your answer from what she says and her tone.
I'd just recognise that different people feel different ways about what a marriage ceremony and a wedding actually is, sounds to me like you guys feel the legal bit is key and she just doesn't- especially as there's been no pics, no name change, etc etc

Legal bit WAS mentioned before

OP was also told BEFORE that it was happening

Bride and bridesmaids live in the same area so will have WhatsApp group with each other that doesn't include OP anyway

But what difference does it make to you if she will be already married when she has her wedding? Why would that mean you wouldn't bring your family? I will never understand why people make weddings about them. It's up to the bride and groom to decide who comes to the legal ceremony. Maybe they hang around together all the time and have an easy going dynamic that you wouldn't fit into on that particular day. Does it really matter. If my friend was making my wedding about her feelings then I would be wishing I hadn't invited her to either event. Their parents weren't even there, does that not tell you that they didn't see this as an even where they didn't need to invite everyone.

I personally think having a ceremony first, then spending loads on a fake wedding is ridiculous, but who she invites has got nothing to do with you, and if you were a proper friend, then you would just let her get on with it.

Treat like with like. Don't bother making an effort for her.

i do t u sweat and this. Why ask someone to be a BM when they are not going to be part of an advance wedding but there is no later week g. Feels like she’s a bitch as. Has changed her mind about you being a BM. I couldn’t go through the hen do after this.

I really do find this completely baffling.

The friend is already married. She's had a wedding with friends and family. Why then is she having another wedding and a hen do? It makes no sense!

I just find it odd that it was kept from you. Like why has it been so hush hush? I’ve know brides to have a legal ceremony before big wedding and they are all excited and nervous and it goes off in the group chat. Like not even the bride or other bridesmaids have said anything in any of the group chats about it on the day it’s happened? Very strange. I’d be feeling shit about it as well. Just feels like it’s been intentionally kept from you. I’ve never heard of a UK wedding either where you have to have a legal ceremony before the actual wedding either. Usually it’s a 1 day thing in the UK? Can you elaborate on that cos I found that bit confusing.

Sorry @Cheesehound what I mean is you keep saying you don’t want to make it about you or make a fuss, but it is about you, as she has deliberately excluded you from the most important part? The wedding? A party is nice - we did one as married during the pandemic, but we invited lots of friends who wouldn’t have been invited to the more intimate wedding. I personally think you should challenge it more, it isn’t nice and I can’t believe it hasn’t hurt you. I am with your DH and wouldn’t make an effort for just a party, clearly you value your friendship more than she does?

They chose just a handful of their local best friends and their families.
possibly because the friends pushed them to have a little bit of a celebration.
I don't think they were chosen due to them being the bridesmaids - rather due to them being local..

Their families were not in attendance, Op.
You need to speak to friend pronto and get the explanation.

So when she said ‘we are going to have …’ surely that was when you’d say ‘I’d love to be there’ as that sounds like the actual legal ceremony? I don’t think she left you out as such but she probably thinks you would have said something if you were bothered - and she probably left it unsaid so as not to pressurise you … just sounds like you both weee being too polite IYSWIM!

@Cheesehound you don't even really know what youre upset about though as you haven't got all the facts. So yes, just talk to her. You may be completely satisfied with her explanation and there will have been no need for all of this upset you have been feeling the past few days. I can't imagine that this thread will have made you feel any better. So many extreme views telling you not to go to the wedding or to never speak to your friend again. I don't believe these people would act like that in RL

@OhYeahOhYeah I’d bet a tenner that they didn’t really realise the celebrant wasn’t legally binding and this is a quickie solution to that issue xx

I'd tend to go along with that.

They won't be the first ones to fall into that "trap"🙄