Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

A girl at work is getting married this week. Having the wedding next year. I think they thought the venue booked the registra and when they found out it didn't it was too late to book themselves. So they have done the legal bit now. It could be a similar situation.

Weddings are not always straightforward these days. For context my daughter wanted to get married on a working farm and hold the whole day there and reception in a real barn in the evening. As there was no actual building on the farm that could have a civil ceremony they got married in a registry office in town the day before with just best friends and two family members as witnesses. No one was dressed up it was a purely functional event. However the (pretend) Wedding the next day was full on and an amazing event with everything and everyone you would expect for such a celebration. So maybe the later celebration will be more like an actual wedding for your friend.

Had it been that the other bridesmaids also didn't attend the official thing and it was only her and her family or something like that then I'd be fine with that. However if you were the only bridesmaid that didn't attend this other ceremony I'd definitely be asking not only why not but why it was also deliberately kept from you. What did you say to her at the time when she told you?

@BackOfTheMum5net Around a fifth to a quarter of weddings in England and Wales are celebrant-led now.

Where does these figures come from?

I understand that In England and Wales, approximately 83% of marriages in 2022 were civil ceremonies and 17% were religious ceremonies. It doesn't specify where "Celebrant Lead Weddings" figure in these statistics.

Wow it really bothers you how others choose to marry? it's not your way and I didn't do it that way, but you sound like a right karen over this, especially as it's very common to have separate legal ceremony and wedding party these days. Op had question about invite 🙄

What a stupid comment 🙄

@Daffodilsarefadingmore like she’s been put off by registrar fees. To get married at the reg office when I was married last year costs £45. Having them come to my venue a 10 minute walk away (and on their approved list) cost me £775.

It could be that the legal ceremony was so far ahead that they just wanted it to be small with local friends not too much fuss as the big wedding was coming later, the legal registry office bit takes 5 mins so she may of thought no point getting people travelling, twice!
I really would not be upset about this, just go and enjoy the day.

Sorry love, but that is real low down trick
and was meant to upset you. The other bridesmaids were in it with her, or they would have mentioned it.

Very upsetting and hearbteaking after years of being close friends.

Half garbled texts about a legal ceremony
don't cut it eith me. If l was getting married l would make sure all invitees knew exactly eas going on and on what day.

So if that is a contributing factor..It is her fault.

The situation you describe does happen with do called close girl fiends. It has happened to me at age 70, with someone who l had known since age 11.

Often. deep down you may know the reason for her behaviour. It could be deep rooted jealously, or that the friendship was past its sell by day long ago. Or it may have some imagined slight you caused her

She may have also some fancy new friends and think she is better than you.

Whatever the reason. She had been deeply disrepecful to you.

Drop her quicker than the crock of hot shit she is. Let het go to hell. Don't fight or beg for her attention.

Don't contact her. Keep Silent.

Move on to better friends

Good Luck

Old Mother Riley
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I would not take it personally OP, when you book a register office wedding you pay according to room size so it’s substantially more expensive to book a room for 50 people than 12 people.

If the main ceremony is later in the year (although not the legal one) they may have just chose local friends etc… to fill the more affordable register office room. It literally takes 20 minutes for a register office wedding, which they sensibly might have done to get documents such passports completed in her new married name before the honeymoon!

I would imagine they felt guilty about asking you to travel that distance for such a small amount of time.

Depending on which country they are honeymooning in, checking into a hotel with the right marital status on passports can be very important!

When my husband and I were checked in at our hotel on our honeymoon ( we didn’t have time to change my passport as it was only a couple of days after the ceremony) we were given a twin bedroom. Luckily I had bought my marriage certificate with me, so when we went back to reception with it and explained it was our honeymoon and showed them our marriage certificate we were instantly changed to a king bed bedroom!

They apologised but said that it was a Christian country and that unmarried couples were automatically given separate beds ‘for modesty’

I add it was a Caribbean island so we were a bit surprised.

Clearly the main event is yet to come, and that’s the one that counts!

I would still go, but perhaps leave DH and DC at home.

The legal part may not be such a big deal to her and can understand the logic of having local family and friends in this case, but it is odd no-one mentioned it.

Because registrar weddings tend to be on the dry side.

It’s not a great conspiracy. Around a fifth to a quarter of weddings in England and Wales are celebrant-led now.

My mate celebrated in a similar way, but the key thing is, there was a conversation about it beforehand - it was all up front. She explained that she was mortally shy & couldn’t cope with being the centre of attention & everyone staring, which fits. I did feel a bit like a 2nd tier friend (I wasn’t a bridesmaid tho), but I could get over it because she discussed it with everyone beforehand. This feels a bit sneaky & hidden away by your friend - as if she feels she has something to feel awkward & embarrassed about. Of course you are wary of a conversation with her cos you don’t want to kill her post wedding glow + you have 15 years of close friendship you don’t want to destroy, but you are definitely entitled to feel hurt imo. If it were me, I would nt say anything, I would just pull out of the hen-do & celebration for “personal reasons” and leave the ball in her court. The onus to have the discomfort of broaching the subject belongs to her. If she does, I’d just say “I was really confused & if I’m honest hurt I wasn’t at the actual wedding & it took the gloss off for me & seemed a bit pointless to go to all that hassle & expense, but I didn’t want to load that onto you when you had just got married & spoil your enjoyment”

More info needed really, my friends did this just them and couple of friends as witnesses (not even their parents) - then wedding later.

It had to be like that because the venue and celebrant aren't registered for weddings. But their wedding and anniversary was the day everyone went to. They referred to the legal bit as "paperwork day" i wouldn't jump to assume the worst without a chat

I used to be a humanist celebrant and may be able to explain why they are not using the stately home for the legal bit.

It can cost £500-£1000 to have a registrar come out to a licensed venue. What's more there are more licensed venues than registrars so it's possible one wasn't available on the day. I have also had registrars refuse to have a legal ceremony and a humanist ceremony at the same time.

If the couple are having a humanist ceremony, it will be personalised to them and very meaningful. I promise you that they will consider the summer event to be the wedding and all the walking down the aisle with bridesmaids bit. When I had my legal wedding we didn't exchange rings or have vows but did that at our wonderful humanist ceremony a few months later.

However we had a very basic legal ceremony and the registrars hold so few of them that your friend may have had to pay more money for a ceremony now. We had to wait over a year for a basic "us and two witnesses" ceremony and it was in the next city even though there's a register office round the corner from our house.

Humanists UK have been campaigning for legal recognition of humanist marriage for a very long time. A judge even said five years ago that it was against our human rights that our ceremonies are not legally recognised and the government should legalise them quickly. They had a commission on marriage instead that agreed it should be legal but nothing has happened. Humanists UK are going to court again.as a result.

In a few years this two ceremony sort of thing won't happen any more.

I agree she should probably asked you, but I don't think she meant to hurt you. There will be a really beautiful and moving ceremony in the summer. And I am so sorry that you feel so hurt by this.

This is really strange. I have been to several weddings where the legalities had been done another day for various reasons but it makes no sense if the venue is definitely licensed. Perhaps they forgot to book a registrar.

You must talk to her, OP. Don't assume the worst of someone who has been so important to you.

I would feel hurt and very confused by this. I understand sometimes its better for a couple to have a small legal ceremony followed by a 'wedding' later, but as a bridesmaid so involved in the hen do, I think she would have mentioned it to you before now, especially since the other bridesmaids attended. Perhaps her plans changed but it seems sneaky to me.

Meh! I wouldn’t care

you are still part of the party- the main do

If the bride and grooms family weren’t there I would not be too upset. Seems strange though. I have heard of weddings where couples go to a registry office with just a couple of witnesses then have a wedding party on another occasion but it sounds like there was quite a big party if bridesmaids families there. I would forget it and just enjoy summer party and hen do.

Hi there

My brother did something similar. My advice would be go if you want to. My friend did something similar as well. Sometimes you think
you are great friends with someone but that person has lots of other great friends. Actions speak louder than words. She values you as a friend enough to be a fake bridesmaid and arrange an expensive hen do. She’s clearly told everyone not to mention it to you, as she doesn’t want to hurt you though. So she does value you as a friend on some levels. Just not enough to have you at her actual wedding ceremony.

Sounds like she wants a humanist ceremony which aren’t official in England (yet) so had to sort the legal stuff separately. She views her wedding as the ‘party’ but wanted to also mark the legal bit with a low key local thing. As a good friend she probably knows you’ve got a lot on and didn’t want to put the obligation to attend yet another thing on you. I’d talk to her about it to put your mind at rest.

It's a racing certainty that she simply didn't think the quick legal bit was worth the effort for you because of distance - but...

You are not being unreasonable to feel that she might at least have given you the option.

The wedding will be fun, you are being included, say nothing. When the time is right, tell her privately that you were hurt and offended and let her explain herself.

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