Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

But they don't use that at standard...

Because it's just some legal agreement unless you make the choice for this to be your only wedding

If you are having a fancy venue etc then to you the wedding will be the bit where you DO make the vows of love, cherish, honour, to be with them in sickness and in health. To devote yourself to them

The important bit

You can have a civil partnership or even get a cohabitation arrangement which provides lots of legal protections without being a WEDDING with the declarations of love and a partnership with love and devotion can exist without a wedding.

@HuffleMyPuffle Well to me them making a declaration of love and commitment is more important than some legal gumph

It's the "legal gumph" that gives the protection in law. That soon becomes apparent to people getting divorced. 🙄

Well to me them making a declaration of love and commitment is more important than some legal gumph

Watching 2 people sign a piece of paper is nothing compared to them saying meaningful words of dedicaiton

Lots of place, BTW, you don't watch this. It happens in another room whilst you just sit there bored and waiting...

@justteanbiscuits There is now vow to love, or honour, or worship etc in law.

There can be -

https://www.rochdale.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/choose-vows-declaration

What commitment to love etc are included in the legal vows? The legal part of the vows is:

"I declare that I know of no legal reason why I (your name) may not be joined in marriage to (your partners name)"
&
"I (your name) take you (your partners name) to be my wedded wife/husband"

OR

"I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I (your name) may not be joined in matrimony to (your partners name)"
&
"I call upon these persons here present to witness that I (your name)do take thee (your partners name) to be my lawful wedded wife/husband"

There is now vow to love, or honour, or worship etc in law. They are just there as filling - no different from them saying it without a legal registrar there and a piece of paper to sign.

What I meant was, the legal bit has no real importance to the guests. The weddings I have been to where the legal bit had been done, was so they could get married where they wanted, in the manner they wanted, rather than only licensed venues. One was in the middle of nature reserve, another in the persons back garden, and another was because they wanted a traditional Wiccan ceremony. All 3 were beautiful, and they said their vows (and more) but in the way they wanted to, not constrained by how they had to.

You don't invite people to the signing of mortgage documents, or a will. They saw this in a similar way. The legal bit was just the legal bit. Their wedding, which they celebrate, was when they shared their love and vows with their loved ones.

You can be married with just the legal bit.

You cannot be married with just the dress and party.
That’s how important the legal bit is. The vows, the commitment, the promises to love etc happens at the legal bit.

How anyone can think the fancy venue and a dress make a marriage is beyond me

@DearDenimEagle Marriage is making the legal bit work.

Absolutely.

And it can be hard work.

That sounds very confusing and disappointing. I'm sorry.

Something similar happened to me. A very good friend, I'd known for years. Spent holidays together, our kids were very good friends did much the same to me. She shared her excitement at wedding plans, save the day she said. We would love you to come. Plans for hen etc. They the wedding morphed into a double wedding with another friend. My husband, child and I got uninvited basically. Was told, costs were spiralling, the venue size blah, blah, turned out to have a very large guest list, just not us. I just accepted it, I didn't question it. Her choice her wedding. She showed me who she was on that day. Afterwards she talked about how sad we weren't there, how missed we were etc. I tried to see past it, but I was hurt. Our friendship fizzled ultimately, I occasionally hear from her, when she wants something, or reminiscing about happy times together. I kept going back for a bit, but realise that's not how I wish to be treated and value myself more that being a second choice or being dropped at a whim. I'm so sorry, but I can't see how this won't change your friendship. It sounds very odd that there is a ceremony with other bridesmaids that you are not to attend.

The legal part IS the important bit. It’s the bit that creates joint ownership, legalises children’s rights, and you will find out just how important the legal part is if you need to get a legal separation/ divorce . Wedding is the legal joining of two people. The rest is show.

It seems with time people are attributing more importance to the party than the legal bit, but marriage isn’t a party . Marriage is making the legal bit work.

@HuffleMyPuffle but it doesn’t matter what words they say, it doesn’t make them married. The commitment is the legal bit, that is what makes them married. Not some fancy dress, meal, party, stately home venue.

@HuffleMyPuffle They'll still make vows though
More meaningful than "there's no legal reason we can't marry and I take them as my spouse "

Maybe more meaningful to the couple, but such vows don't count legally.

Not necessarily more meaningful to their invitees, though.

Watching two already-married people performatively talk to one another in fancy dress is not meaningful to those who thought they were invited to an actual wedding.

@justteanbiscuits The legal part isn't important outside of, well, the legal bit.

The "legal bit"is the most important part of a marriage.
It is the start of a new relationship in law, a legal union of two individuals. It is a contract that two people enter into and has to have particular wording to be valid. It contains promises that the two parties make to each other.

A legal marriage also provides various legal and financial protections to both partners. It establishes joint ownership of assets, including property, savings, and investments, which can be divided fairly in the event of divorce. Marriage also grants tax benefits and inheritance rights to the surviving spouse, offering financial security. Additionally, it simplifies parental rights, ensures access to pensions, and provides legal standing in matters like healthcare decisions and next of kin status

It is, sadly, the part that solicitors have to undo if everything goes pear-shaped.

The wedding is a celebration of the new life the couple have chosen together.

They'll still make vows though
More meaningful than "there's no legal reason we can't marry and I take them as my spouse "

My sister had a similar set up for her wedding. The “legal bit” was literally meant to be just that, the “real” wedding was the do with the dresses etc. she would have been happy to just sign the papers but it ended up being a bit more than intended as she ended up inviting some people that couldn’t make the other / main do. It wasn’t intentional and she didn’t think anything of it but I could see there may be people that may have thought they should have been invited to that too. She also didn’t want to burden her guests with another do to attend (or double the event AND costs), so kept it really small and personal but not necessarily for any other reason than logistics for some guests (and the fact that she wanted the big deal to be the main occasion). Hope this helps to look at it from a slightly different angle.

But what they “consider it” is irrelevant. Marriage is a social contract, not a personal matter that each couple can tailor to their whims.

The legal ceremony IS the wedding. Otherwise, why do it at all?

One wedding per marriage. Anything beyond that is just a performance before an audience. And the audience, being part of the society that confers and recognizes the legal contract, deserves to know what it’s really witnessing.

I have a few friends who did the "legal bit" ahead of the ceremony, and none of them consider it their wedding - they all consider the day they wore the dress, had the fancy event, even though it wasn't actually legal, to be their wedding day. The legal part isn't important outside of, well, the legal bit.

Exactly.

Not interested in the sham reenactment.

It basically courtesy to make guests fully aware of what they are attending.

Sounds like you’ve answered your own question, the weirdness notwithstanding

@Braygirlnow but they seemed to make more of it than just a 5 minute saying the required words and signing a bit of paper. They read poems. You only need 2 witnesses and you have to pay more if you have additional guests. They had families of the bridesmaids etc attending.

I maybe odd but for me the best bit of a wedding is actually seeing the couple get married, saying their vows and making that legal commitment. The rest is just filler, a fancy party.

The voice of reason. And I'm wondering if maybe other bridesmaids are sisters?
Either way there was 2 bridesmaids and partners and a groomsman so 5 , I'd be hurt if there was lots of friends and family but come on 5! They just needed witnesses. Stop being so offended when obviously no offence was ment.

Offs! A 5 min legal ceremony is of course the legal marriage but the wedding is were everyone comes together to celebrate the couples marriage. We don't live in a dictatorship...yet, so people can do it whichever way they want. If every other guest was invited to the registry office for the 5 min legal part, then yes I would be offended but as there was only 5 people there then no it was only just for witnesses.

The ‘proper’ wedding is done. The ‘proper’ wedding is the legal bit.
Wedding : : a marriage ceremony usually with its accompanying festivities : nuptials. 2. : an act, process, or instance of joining in close association