Page 3 | Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

Cheesehound · 2025-04-13T07:30:04+00:00

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically! Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after. Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either. I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t. I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there. My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat. What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 15/04/2025 11:56

HuffleMyPuffle · 14/04/2025 17:11

It's not about attention
It's about Legal vs location

You want a specific place, sometimes you need legal bit separate

MN is so vile to other women!

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What are you talking about? I'm referring only to the FACT that the wedding itself is the LEGAL exchange of vows.

It doesn't matter what sort of celebration people want to have, everyone is free to do exactly as they like but since you've mentioned women specifically then I'll add that it would be a very good idea for women to be extremely clued up on what a wedding actually is so that they stop falling for charming nonsense from the men in their lives who seduce them with 'common law wife', 'child is a bigger commitment' and other assorted bollocks that will not protect them.

MN isn't vile to women at all, it's quite a women-focused site which is why I like it.

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 11:36

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 11:30

@justteanbiscuits you’ve misunderstood. To me the meaningful bit is the legal bit. A religious ceremony means nothing when it comes to actually legally being married. Although I do understand if for different religions you do have to do 2 separate ceremonies. Maybe that needs to be changed, so different religious leaders can legally marry couples.

But in the OP’s case there is no need to do the legal bit separately as the venue is licensed for weddings. I wonder if they have done it this way and told the venue it is just a party to make it cheaper.

Because of who they want to lead the ceremony? Maybe they want a humanist celebrant and be able to use words of their choosing? Maybe they want someone special to them to lead it? It doesn't actually matter.

Like I say, I've been to many non legal weddings, where the couple have done the legal bit separately, and none of the meaning of it has been lost. They have all been lovely and special and I've cried at every single one still!

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 11:34

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 11:29

@justteanbiscuits Oh, and you don't need to be legally married to live in SFA. You just need to register with your command line HR that are you in a, established long term relationship.

Well it the rules must have changed since the event I quoted.

It was about 30 years ago if you had a child, but only 6 years ago if you didn't have a child.

But that level of "when did you get married" affects very very few people. Like I say, in over 25 years of marriage, I've never had to legally give my wedding date.

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 11:30

@justteanbiscuits you’ve misunderstood. To me the meaningful bit is the legal bit. A religious ceremony means nothing when it comes to actually legally being married. Although I do understand if for different religions you do have to do 2 separate ceremonies. Maybe that needs to be changed, so different religious leaders can legally marry couples.

But in the OP’s case there is no need to do the legal bit separately as the venue is licensed for weddings. I wonder if they have done it this way and told the venue it is just a party to make it cheaper.

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 11:29

@justteanbiscuits Oh, and you don't need to be legally married to live in SFA. You just need to register with your command line HR that are you in a, established long term relationship.

Well it the rules must have changed since the event I quoted.

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 11:25

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 11:19

@justteanbiscuits None of my friends who did the legal bit separately do though. They all say their wedding date is the day they celebrated and shared their love with everyone. Not the day they signed a bit of paper.

They could come unstuck if they actually sign something to that effect.

I know of an engaged couple who were in the Armed Forces who had set a wedding date. They were getting posted and needed to be married to have Married Quarters. So they had to bring the wedding forward to get the right paperwork.
Lying about this would have meant a Court Marshall.

Obviously, if you are signing a legal document that requires your date of legal marriage that is entirely different. But I would guess that occasions you have to do that are minimal. I can't remember ever having to give my date of marriage on any legal document in over 25 years.

Oh, and you don't need to be legally married to live in SFA. You just need to register with your command line HR that are you in a, established long term relationship.

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 11:21

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 11:10

@justteanbiscuits some couples do the religious bit but not the legal bit. See that quite often on here, so man will have declared his love and then leave the woman high and dry.

But the thread is, basically, about the opposite. Someone upset they have been invited to the meaningful part, but not the legal part.

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 11:19

@justteanbiscuits None of my friends who did the legal bit separately do though. They all say their wedding date is the day they celebrated and shared their love with everyone. Not the day they signed a bit of paper.

They could come unstuck if they actually sign something to that effect.

I know of an engaged couple who were in the Armed Forces who had set a wedding date. They were getting posted and needed to be married to have Married Quarters. So they had to bring the wedding forward to get the right paperwork.
Lying about this would have meant a Court Marshall.

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 11:16

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 11:10

@justteanbiscuits some couples do the religious bit but not the legal bit. See that quite often on here, so man will have declared his love and then leave the woman high and dry.

That is possibly due to not understanding its not a full marriage though

There was a massive scandal not so long ago where it came out with a particular religion whereby the "wives" were led to believe that they were legally married but weren't because they hadn't done the legal bit and the men were using this to their advantage

It's really not making a point that the legal part is the bit everyone needs to see though

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 11:13

outerspacepotato · 15/04/2025 11:04

If they're asked when did they get married, they'll give the day they got married legally, not the party day.

Not necessarily

Many PP have said differently

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 11:10

@justteanbiscuits some couples do the religious bit but not the legal bit. See that quite often on here, so man will have declared his love and then leave the woman high and dry.

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 11:07

outerspacepotato · 15/04/2025 11:04

If they're asked when did they get married, they'll give the day they got married legally, not the party day.

None of my friends who did the legal bit separately do though. They all say their wedding date is the day they celebrated and shared their love with everyone. Not the day they signed a bit of paper. Speak to anyone from a different religion about what they consider their wedding day - the registry office for the legal bit, or the big wonderful happy celebration?

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 11:05

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 11:03

How true this is !

How many posts do we see on the "Relationship" pages where women are financially disadvantaged because they have kids with some waster without getting married and end up subsidising this ubiquitous "cocklodger" 🙄

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This isn't about NOT getting married though, is it. It's just about choosing different ways to celebrate a wedding.

outerspacepotato · 15/04/2025 11:04

If they're asked when did they get married, they'll give the day they got married legally, not the party day.

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 11:03

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 10:55

Well as many women find men can say a lot of words about commitment but refuse to do the legal bit, and those women can find themselves in a horrible position. The legal bit is they important bit and shows real commitment

How true this is !

How many posts do we see on the "Relationship" pages where women are financially disadvantaged because they have kids with some waster without getting married and end up subsidising this ubiquitous "cocklodger" 🙄

mondaytosunday · 15/04/2025 11:03

A friend had a registry office wedding with just herself and parents. Then she had a church ‘wedding’ with all the bells and whistles.
In you case I’d reply: ‘oh? Shame I didn’t know as I could have joined the other bridesmaids - was there a reason you didn’t include me’? Let her be embarrassed and try and come up with a reply! She’s probably relying on you being all English about it and not saying anything!

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 11:03

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:59

@HuffleMyPuffle But they don't use that at standard...

No but couples can ask for it.

In any event, if couples think the "legal bit" is pointless they can have a Handfasting Ceremony or a Humanist Wedding.

Which is exactly the point of many of the comments. Do the legal bit for legal purposes, but something like a handfasting is probably more important to them, and that is what they want to share with their loved ones. In England a Humanist ceremony or handfasting isn't legal.

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 11:01

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:59

@HuffleMyPuffle But they don't use that at standard...

No but couples can ask for it.

In any event, if couples think the "legal bit" is pointless they can have a Handfasting Ceremony or a Humanist Wedding.

They can but if they are just doing this for the legal bit they probably won't

And that's what they are then doing. They are doing the legal bit because it's needed but to them it's not the important bit for people to see. They want people to see them make declarations of love, the legal bit is just paperwork

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 10:59

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 10:57

Hasn't anyone been to a non Church of England wedding in a place of worship? Only CofE vicars are automatically legal registrars. A Jewish wedding I went to, the bride and groom went off to the registry office the next day for the legal bit. My own Mums Catholic wedding they had to have a registrar attend and do the legal bit. All Hindu, Muslim and Sikh weddings I have been to, the bride and groom were already legally married in English law at the registry office, because their religious ceremonies wouldn't be legal under English law. I'd forgotten about those!

Well according to a considerable number of posters here these people are liars and manipulative and them wanting to do their wedding their way is hoodwinking people 😒

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:59

@HuffleMyPuffle But they don't use that at standard...

No but couples can ask for it.

In any event, if couples think the "legal bit" is pointless they can have a Handfasting Ceremony or a Humanist Wedding.

Guinessandafire · 15/04/2025 10:59

It's an interesting one.

What is a wedding anyway? you don't actually get to see papers being signed most of the time, which is the legal bit.

As a guest you get to see a 'ceremony' and attend a party.

It shouldn't matter that a legal ceremony has already taken place, but quite honestly it sounds like there is a inner circle that has attended a deeply personal ceremony, and then the rest that are there to for the ' show' , the photos and the party.

The key is how disrespected you feel by not attending the ' inner circle' ceremony. You can still have a great day at the fake wedding.

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 10:57

Hasn't anyone been to a non Church of England wedding in a place of worship? Only CofE vicars are automatically legal registrars. A Jewish wedding I went to, the bride and groom went off to the registry office the next day for the legal bit. My own Mums Catholic wedding they had to have a registrar attend and do the legal bit. All Hindu, Muslim and Sikh weddings I have been to, the bride and groom were already legally married in English law at the registry office, because their religious ceremonies wouldn't be legal under English law. I'd forgotten about those!

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 10:55

Well as many women find men can say a lot of words about commitment but refuse to do the legal bit, and those women can find themselves in a horrible position. The legal bit is they important bit and shows real commitment

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 10:55

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:51

@HuffleMyPuffle Well to me them making a declaration of love and commitment is more important than some legal gumph

It's the "legal gumph" that gives the protection in law. That soon becomes apparent to people getting divorced. 🙄

Edited

The legal bit is also what people sign to buy a new house - I don't witness that to celebrate with them

There are lots of legal bits which happen in life which we don't witness but we celebrate the important part of what that legal paperwork means

justteanbiscuits · 15/04/2025 10:53

Fannybycandlelight · 15/04/2025 10:43

@justteanbiscuits There is now vow to love, or honour, or worship etc in law.

There can be -

https://www.rochdale.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/choose-vows-declaration

Edited

There can be obviously. You can write your own, long vows if you want, as long as the legal part is included. But you don't have to.

The vows someone chooses to make are what is important. And if they choose to make those declarations outside of a limited legal setting, then that is what should be celebrated.

If I had chosen this route (I really wish I had thought of the idea before my own wedding), anyone who was upset about could happily choose not to attend. But they must also understand that our relationship will be severely affected by it. Like our vegetarian buffet in the evening - I have literally had zero contact with the two people who kicked off about it since our wedding twenty odd years ago because I consider them utterly pathetic!