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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

507 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
BlondeMummyto1 · 13/04/2025 08:36

I wouldn’t say anything but I’d pull out of anything that’s going to cost you a lot of money. It’s pointless really.

ichifanny · 13/04/2025 08:36

Why do people do this nonesense with weddings and expect people to fawn over their weddings you get one day anything else is a waste of peoples time and money . I’d be offended too OP , very strange behaviour from your friend .

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:36

Reply @AprilBunny - yes, they’re all local. I’m thinking that perhaps she didn’t invite me as it would be a journey for me, but one I would have been more than happy to make - she had a very important personal ceremony some years ago and I travelled for that.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 13/04/2025 08:35

Gosh - this sounds odd. Like @AprilBunny, I wondered if it was because you live a long way away and she didn’t feel it was fair to ask you come for another occasion. But what’s the reasoning behind the “two weddings” thing? Is it a cultural thing for the bride or groom? Is she pregnant? Seems a strange way to do things.

IntheSpaghetti · 13/04/2025 08:35

That is very hurtful, considering the other bridesmaids and family attended. I would message and ask why.

Evaka · 13/04/2025 08:34

I would ask her for a chat and try to get a sense of what's happened. I wouldn't be remotely bothered that the legal bits are done in advance, but if it was a bit of a day out with the other bridesmaids and families? Very odd.

I know it's awkward to ask why you weren't included in something but there's only one way to find out.

AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 08:33

I wouldn’t say anything but I would completely pull out of the hen do and still go to the party unless she uninvites you to that. The fact that the other bridesmaids witness the legal ceremony would really bug me. Do they all live local to the bride?