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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

507 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 09:46

Are the bride and groom’s parents alive, I’m asking as they weren’t at the legal ceremony, nor any siblings or any of the groom’s friends?
There were two witness (albeit bridesmaids) and their families.

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 09:45

Only 2?

Those were there as witnesses.

It wasn't "let's leave Cheese out maliciously"

It was "we need to do this legal bit which we don't care about. We need 2 witnesses and these 2 bridesmaids are here so they'll do."

They might have then insisted their families had to attend. Might have booked the meal as bride didn't care.

The legal bit needing doing WAS mentioned. You didn't take it in or ask so maybe they felt you didn't care about that bit

I thought there was going to be like 8 bridesmaids and you left out. 2 makes complete sense

This may have LEGALLY married them but they don't see it as their WEDDING

They didn't even have any family there

Shelby2010 · 13/04/2025 09:44

Feeling like a mug & wanting to know what’s going on isn’t ’making it all about you’. Stop being so wet.

If the b&g decide to separate the marriage from the party - that’s up to them. But they need to be honest about it. And I would have expected her to have at least discussed it with you, if not invited you. The fact it was all kept quiet - probably a separate chat - would majorly piss me off.

I definitely would not be organising a hen-do for someone who was already married. That is really pointless. And I don’t think I would drag my DH & DC across the country for a fake wedding either.

ManchesterLu · 13/04/2025 09:43

No issue with having a private ceremony and a party afterwards. I hate all eyes being on me so we will be doing the same. But having the meal with the rest of the bridesmaids is odd.

If you're as close as you say, can't you just ask her why you weren't invited to that?

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/04/2025 09:43

So you thought the summer date was her wedding day

ss most people would for a wedding

and now she’s actually married but then having a fake wedding/party in a few months

I would be pissed off as she asked you to be bm and all the other bm were there

does seem a bit fake to me to do both

what’s the point of A celebrant if they can’t marry you /are married already

just to have a big party ?

then tell people that - wonder if other guests going think they are seeing. Wedding

AlphabetBird · 13/04/2025 09:43

My good friend did this. I think the initial idea was a very low key registry office then the big wedding a few weeks later, but it all ended up a bit muddled and the registry office bit had a dress, flowers, fancy lunch for about 15. She plastered it all over Facebook.

when the ‘actual’ wedding came around, they had lots of people drop out, quite a few came in super casual clothes, far fewer gifts etc. People were genuinely of the mind that it was an informal celebration, not the big ‘actual’ wedding. She was gutted, and really quite cross with the drop outs, but honestly I can understand it!

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:42

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:35

No I wasn't bridesmaid but I was close family:

  • I did this
  • my brother did this
  • BIL did this
  • several friends did this

I didn't go to any of the legal ceremonies except of course my own.

So for me this approach is normal.

Edited
Show quote history

@roses2 It’s not a new concept to me - I’ve been to celebrations where the couple have got married legally in a registry office beforehand. I think you’re missing the point of the thread - it being that I am a bridesmaid and I wasn’t invited to it but the others were.

OP posts:
Crazybaby123 · 13/04/2025 09:41

It's weird she didn't mention it to you at all.
I understand there are reasons, perhaps she only paid for a very small registry office wedding, and just invited enough people to fill the slots, and it was not the 'wedding' for her but thr legal formality. But why not mention it??
Maybe call her and say you would have loved to have been there and ask why she didnt invite you. It might be a perfectly rational reason.

shewasasaint · 13/04/2025 09:39

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:35

No I wasn't bridesmaid but I was close family:

  • I did this
  • my brother did this
  • BIL did this
  • several friends did this

I didn't go to any of the legal ceremonies except of course my own.

So for me this approach is normal.

Edited
Show quote history

You're missing the point.

Leaving one bridesmaid out and keeping it a secret from her is not normal. It is hurtful.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 13/04/2025 09:39

Bigfatsunandclouds · 13/04/2025 09:37

Lots of people do the legal wedding prior to the actual day, very low key but see the actual day as their wedding day! I honestly wouldn't worry, this isn't what they see as their 'wedding'.

It doesn't seem like it was all that low key, though.

The Bride, Groom, 2 bridesmaids, their partners and kids and a groomsman/best man. were there. OP is supposed to be a bridesmaid.

AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 09:38

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:36

@Minnie798 - The Bride, Groom, 2 bridesmaids, their partners and kids and a groomsman/best man.

Show quote history

This is quite a small number, the bridesmaids were probably the witnesses. In my mind I was imagining four or so bridesmaids and all their families. So no parents, are they still alive?
Thinking about it, this is a shock to you but I think it was more of a two witness thing and she asked her local friends.

TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 09:37

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:35

No I wasn't bridesmaid but I was close family:

  • I did this
  • my brother did this
  • BIL did this
  • several friends did this

I didn't go to any of the legal ceremonies except of course my own.

So for me this approach is normal.

Edited
Show quote history

Did you all do it in secret though?

It's obvious this is normal in your family but this is not normal for most people.

Bigfatsunandclouds · 13/04/2025 09:37

Lots of people do the legal wedding prior to the actual day, very low key but see the actual day as their wedding day! I honestly wouldn't worry, this isn't what they see as their 'wedding'.

Funnywonder · 13/04/2025 09:36

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:31

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, I've been to several weddings like this and also had one myself as DH is not from the UK.

There is the legal bit where everyone wears nice clothes, goes to the registry office, signs the papers and goes for a meal with a small group of people.

Then there is the "wedding day" where everyone gets dressed up in bridal wear, photographers, make up, large party etc.

I wouldn't be put out by her approach - completely normal.

I don’t think the OP is upset by this approach. It’s more the fact that the legal ceremony involved all the other bridesmaids and not her. If she wasn’t close enough to her friend to be a bridesmaid, then it probably wouldn’t be an issue.

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:36

Minnie798 · 13/04/2025 09:25

How many people attended the legal ceremony? You've never met the other bridesmaids , so won't know the dynamic of their relationship with the bride. Perhaps she has a closer friendship with them.

@Minnie798 - The Bride, Groom, 2 bridesmaids, their partners and kids and a groomsman/best man.

OP posts:
roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:35

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:34

@roses2 Were you a bridesmaid?

Show quote history

No I wasn't bridesmaid but I was close family:

  • I did this
  • my brother did this
  • BIL did this
  • several friends did this

I didn't go to any of the legal ceremonies except of course my own.

So for me this approach is normal.

diddl · 13/04/2025 09:35

I don't think it's normal at all.

Also it sounds to me as if she could have had you there if she wanted to...

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:34

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:31

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, I've been to several weddings like this and also had one myself as DH is not from the UK.

There is the legal bit where everyone wears nice clothes, goes to the registry office, signs the papers and goes for a meal with a small group of people.

Then there is the "wedding day" where everyone gets dressed up in bridal wear, photographers, make up, large party etc.

I wouldn't be put out by her approach - completely normal.

@roses2 Were you a bridesmaid?

OP posts:
Funnywonder · 13/04/2025 09:33

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:36

Reply @AprilBunny - yes, they’re all local. I’m thinking that perhaps she didn’t invite me as it would be a journey for me, but one I would have been more than happy to make - she had a very important personal ceremony some years ago and I travelled for that.

She didn’t give you the choice of travelling, assuming that was her reasoning. I would be incredibly hurt, especially as it was all effectively done in secret. Maybe I’m overly sensitive, but I wouldn’t be going to the hen do, party or anything else connected with it all.

AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 09:33

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:54

I feel the same. The more I think about it the more I feel pretty crap about it. At least ask me and if I couldn’t make it for whatever reasons ( money, time, kids etc) then at least I have felt considered.

Show quote history

Are you the only bridesmaid who isn’t local, do you think the others know each other? If so your friend may have different groups in her head and thought I’ll have my old school/local work friends watch me do the legal bit and it didn’t even occur to her to have her ‘faraway’ friend there.

TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 09:32

I wouldn't be put out by her approach - completely normal

It's really not normal for the whole wedding party to keep it hush hush that they are attending the ceremony.

diddl · 13/04/2025 09:32

So she is married & is still to have a hen night & wedding celebrations?

I don't think I'd bother going now.

I think it's terrible that she didn't give you the choice.

Maybe it didn't mean anything to the bride but she can't expect others to feel the same or to spend time & money afterwards celebrating a past event.

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:31

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, I've been to several weddings like this and also had one myself as DH is not from the UK.

There is the legal bit where everyone wears nice clothes, goes to the registry office, signs the papers and goes for a meal with a small group of people.

Then there is the "wedding day" where everyone gets dressed up in bridal wear, photographers, make up, large party etc.

I wouldn't be put out by her approach - completely normal.

Gemmawemma9 · 13/04/2025 09:27

It’s weird. It’s weird that she wore hers wedding dress and had all the other bridesmaids there. If she didn’t want to inconvenience you, why not casually mention it? Sounds like she’s purposely kept it a secret.
I would be hurt too, OP.

Minnie798 · 13/04/2025 09:25

How many people attended the legal ceremony? You've never met the other bridesmaids , so won't know the dynamic of their relationship with the bride. Perhaps she has a closer friendship with them.