Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

Yes I get that but I was giving a very common example of exactly the same issue: the “wedding” isn’t legal so they need a legal ceremony of some sort.

Well they’re 100% not the same thing.

A baptism is welcoming the child into the church, not registering their birth, a funeral is a celebration of life not the registering of their death.

A wedding is explicitly the legal joining of 2 people

Well the friendship may be important to you...

I don't think now is the time to talk about it, but I do think you need to

And I would also be pulling out of arranging anything for her. Leave it to those who were invited

She's hurt you and you need an explanation. And unless it's a good one I would be quietly fading away...

OK so we're still in a cost of living crisis where people are really short of money, but at the same time having two wedding days is now 'normal'? Like hell it is. This is massively self indulgent when you're in a country like the UK that allows you to combine legal and religious ceremonies if you want or just to have a legal one - I appreciate that in some other countries the legal part always has to be separate. If you aren't even having a religious ceremony, this is ridiculous. I can't blame people who then decide to 'downgrade' the later party celebration.

So basically she’s expecting you to contribute financially towards a couple of parties she fancies having to celebrate herself?
I’d message didn’t realise you and X were already married. Congratulations from husband and me.
And then a second message backing out of hen do and second party.

Spend the money saved on yourself.

I don’t think it is completely normal to ask say 4 women to be your bridesmaids for your wedding, but then only invite 3 of them plus their partners and kids to the “legal bit” and everyone keep it from the bridesmaid who wasn’t invited.

if it wasn’t a big deal, why not put it on a chat with all the bridesmaids? Or say to the 1 who lives further away “this is the plan for the legal bit, didn’t want you to feel like you have to travel for that as well as the big day, it’s just a formality”

a bit of consideration to a friend who is planning your hen do (which usually takes a decent amount of organising) would have been nice

Oh come on. Legal ceremony earlier in the day because the venue don’t do weddings and then the wedding breakfast later in the day, fine, and understandable.

Secret legal ceremony followed by a party several months later during which time bride still wants bridesmaids, hen do’s, dresses, makeup etc, and where the guests are oblivious to the fact they’re not actually attending a wedding. Not fine.

My BIL and his DW got married during COVID, so they had a small ceremony at a registry office which just their parents and kids were at. They then had a wedding celebration some months down the track. But the difference was that everyone knew they were married and that this was a celebration of their wedding, as opposed to it being a fake wedding where people didn’t know.

You see her as a close friend

She sees you as staff..

Back way and spend your money on a trip for your own family.
You have missed the wedding no need to fork out anything now...

I agree with others that it was a distance thing but she should have asked. I bet the parents weren't happy either!

I wouldn’t spend a cent to attend a reenactment.

Some of the replies here are mind blowing. Calling the actual marriage "the legal bit" and the sham of a pretence later "the wedding"?

It's the legal bit that's the wedding! A wedding is a marriage ceremony ie the "legal bit".

OP I would be very hurt in your shoes and I would have to have a conversation with the bride to find out what had happened and why I had been excluded.

I don't think that's making it all about you, you were supposed to be included and your feelings matter as well.

This same thing happened to DH as best man. Wasn't invited to the legal bit but to the party abroad. It cost us ££££ and we didn't know about the legal bit literally days earlier until we were fully committed to going to the party abroad. DH and I work in the same town where they did the legal bit. Could even have popped out of work for an hour if we'd been told! The party abroad felt very flat and to this day DH doesn't know why he wasn't invited to the legal wedding. Honestly some people have no idea how their actions make others feel worthless.

I’d be hurt too
i would totally pull away from absolutely everything and not go tbh,especially as you were paying towards the hen do
she’s really not a good friend.
let her other bridesmaids pay and deal with everything as they are awful too knowing they were all going and keeping it a secret
it’s hurtful and you’ve every right to feel completely upset and I’d message her saying so too and end the friendship

Are there other groomsmen?

Some of you are just being vile and trying to get the OP to actually cause a fight with Bride when bride probably didn't see this as anything other than registering a birth or death.

Do you not go to a funeral because the legal bit was done in private? Or a baptism/christening because the baby was registered without you?

I totally understand how you feel and sympathise.
I would be upset too, and it would colour how I felt about the party later on in the summer.
What's the point of having a hen do now though ? I think it's barmy.
However hard it is though I would have to have a word with her about it though.💐

The fact that it was all hush hush and you were obviously left out of a different chat all about it, I would be seriously reevaluating the friendship.
However, if you’d been involved in the talk about it and it was all upfront, that would be different.
I would feel well and truly snubbed and a bit like sod you, I’m not going to bother thanks.

OP it’s not normal behaviour. If it was, she wouldn’t have kept is secret from you. She didn’t tell you because she knew you’d be upset (and rightly so). So she avoided it. And she’s now expecting you to as well. It’s frankly bonkers to be planning a wedding and getting bridesmaids to organise a hen do etc and then to pop up with ‘suprise! We got married today and half of the wedding party came too! looking forward to the second phase where I include you!’
And just for context, my mum got married last weekend and didn’t invite me, even though I had been helping her to plan it. She had my step sister as witness. People do some very peculiar things and expect you to be ok with it. I also asked mumsnet about it because I was feeling really hurt by it and it turned into a pile on where loads of people were telling me I was an awful daughter who should respect her choices and that it was ‘just a piece of paper’ and ‘just a normal lunch’ that they had.

I can see this was a shock to you and you feel hurt as the other two bridesmaid were there but honestly I don’t think it was anything other than the legal ceremony and two witnesses. I don’t think there was any intention to hurt you. They only picked two people (plus their families).
The fact that parents weren’t there is massive I think.

I would say something like I totally understand doing the legal bit ahead of time but I'm a bit gutted that the other two bridesmaids and their families were invited but I wasn't.

Then I'd carry on with everything else as normal.

Definitely worth a conversation with bride. Sounds like bride and groom parents and siblings weren't there so perhaps more low key than it sounds. Possibly more than bride expected/wanted.

Well, obviously you’re not a bridesmaid any more as the wedding has already happened.

So I would be telling her that as the wedding has already happened you’ll be attending the after party but obviously there’s no longer need for a hen do, dresses and makeup etc. Because it’s just a party now.

This getting married before and then having a party is weird and attention seeking.

If someone posted on MN that a family member was getting married, and they’d only been invited to the evening do and not the actual wedding people would say it’s rude and t not go. This is no different. They’re married. The party isn’t a wedding, it’s a party. I’m assuming she’s going to tell everyone that they’ve been married for months? Because if not then she’s just a pathetic attention seeker.