Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

She left everyone out, including her own parents and family.

I think it’s totally naff to pretend you are getting married, full dress, bridesmaids etc when it’s a total lie. They are already married, and chose not to invite you. I would be really hurt.

If you want to attend the pretend wedding, that’s up to you. I would find it really cringeworthy.

Sometimes friends do werid unexpected stuff that hurts. Then you have to make a decision, because talking about it can make it much worse and/or no point because the fact is they did it, they chose to do this like this.

So I'd say unless you are prepared to lose the association all together, then I'd let it go, go to the wedding as planned, be the bridesmaid etc, go to the hen do, and just feel quite sad inside. Other choice is ask for an explanation and then you kind of lose the option of just letting it go, because it will always be something between you.

I imagine she did it because you are far away. But what was wrong was not telling you.

What about UK Muslim weddings then, where the civil marriage (if held) is usually done separately? Do you think the big wedding with a religious ceremony is 'not a wedding'?

I've been at a couple of weddings where the legal ceremony was held beforehand - the 'proper' wedding was the big party with loved ones and extended family.

Why was it all hush hush then?!

I can’t believe the number of people who are making excuses for this woman.

While it might be the norm to have a ceremony a couple of days before the party in lieu of legalities, it really is not normal to get married several months before the fake wedding, before which you’re expecting hen do’s and bridesmaids, and not telling everyone that you’re already several months in.

Let’s be honest here.

The OP has had her wedding day.

She’s married.

The OP is no longer a bridesmaid because the OP is already married.

The party in a few months time is a party. Fair enough if it’s a party to celebrate the wedding of several months before, but then guests need to be aware of that.

OP is no longer a bridesmaid. At the very least she’s an actress.

The friendship might be important to the OP but it certainly isn’t important to the bride.

And I wonder how many presents and/or cash she is expecting.

And left one person out?

This is quite common, she probably didn’t ask you as she didn’t want to make a big deal of it and you don’t live close by.

I was at a friends wedding (church wedding abroad) a few years ago and she told me that they were already legally married before that, hadn’t heard anything about it previous to that comment

I wouldn’t be that upset by it, you will be going to the hen do and the ceremony did you really need another wedding related ceremony to added on top of that

I personally wouldn’t have asked you either as I would feel that it’s too much to expect people ( who especially don’t live close by) to go to another one of my wedding celebrations

A wedding is a ceremony at which two people get married. Getting married is a legal arrangement. Anything else is just a costume party - which is fine, but it isn't a wedding.

She didn’t invite her own parents, I wouldn’t be offended. She just needed some witnesses so they made a bit of a day out of it.

Registry offices are very strict with numbers of people who can attend. It was a bit rubbish that you weren't told in advance, particularly as you are a bridesmaid, but I imagine she kept it local as to her the main wedding is still to come (even if this was the official one)

In some countries people have a religious service plus a registry office at the town hall, but AFAIK it is usually on the same day.

I would just opt out of the whole charade. What a total farce. She's not a friend.

Hi OP, I’m doing this later in the month before my wedding in June. My sole bridesmaid (my sister) won’t be there, and very likely the best man won’t either - it’ll just be us and a couple of witnesses. I have said to a few other friends “oh if you’re around”, but it’s very much please don’t go out of your way, the wedding (in a church in another country) is in six weeks and that’s the real thing. It does feel odd that it wasn’t at least mentioned at some point, although to be honest I’m not telling my dad’s side of the family about the separate legal wedding to avoid a full palaver. It’s possible she just didn’t want a fuss! And who knows, perhaps she intended it to be very small and the other bridesmaids wanted to bring kids.

I can understand you feeling left out and hurt OP. However, if there’s no other reason to think like she’s trying to cut you out then I don’t think she’s done this with any ill-will.

It sounds to me like they did the legal bit, but still see the wedding as the big event you thought it was. And then they’ve used it as an excuse to go out for some food with local friends, who just happen to be the other bridesmaids. Were the bridesmaids and their families all actually at the legal bit, or just out for the meal?

I remember going for dinner with one of my bridesmaids to celebrate picking my dress; she just happened to be with me that day and the others weren’t, it wasn’t any shade on them!

incidentally, I was at a wedding once where the bride and groom announced they were already legally married part the way through the ceremony. I think they thought it was going to be a big exciting reveal for everyone, but there were definitely a few eyebrows raised and people joking about why we all had to turn out today then if it’s not even a real wedding!

Anyway, if this is a dear friend and you’re close in all but geography, I’d be really surprised if she meant this as any slight on you. Tell her you’re sad you weren’t there if you like, but I don’t think any of this is worth falling out over.

I think it's a huge overreaction and it's likely that she just wanted to save you a journey for what was a quick legal matter that even her own parents didn't attend. I also think that your DH has no right to be 'really angry' on your behalf. You say that he wasn't keen to travel all that way for the wedding in the first place so he is probably now using this as an opportunity to rile you up and fall out with your friend so you don't go. Convenient for him.

If she's like a a sister just call and say why didn't you ask me, I would have come. I'm sure she has a very reasonable explanation. You're her bridesmaid after all, on on the day she considers her big day. Don't let yourself be wound up by all the frothers on here and wreck a good friendship

OP you are right to feel angry at this. Is it not just what the bride did but also how she did it. Yes, bride entitled to have a legal ceremony with local mates but she should have called you to explain.

Definitely pull out of any hen do arrangements\commitments and consider carefully if you actually want to go to the celebration party at all, by yourself or with the whole family.

Could it be that for whatever reason she’s done the legal bit separately, I don’t know if it’s the same everywhere but where I live you can have a maximum of 6 people, bride and groom, 2 witnesses, 2 guests , and the local bridesmaids were convenient, and then they wanted to bring partners, kids, and it grew unintentionally? Maybe she didn’t tell you because if people do this 2 weddings thing, unless it’s for religious or other specific reasons, lot of people see the big ‘main’ as less than, as pp have already mentioned.

Very strange behaviour.
The bride who you presumably have been in regular contact with, mentions the marriage the day before it happens. Plans had to be made well in advance, getting the dress, booking a venue for a meal and inviting her guests.
The other bridesmaids were aware as they were attending yet they didn't mention it in WhatsApp.
The behaviour from all would indicate you were deliberately excluded and of course you feel hurt.

Is it usual to have a hen do after the ceremony? Seems bizarre but gives you the perfect excuse to withdraw. You could put a comment saying as the marriage has now taken place having a hen do is unnecessary.
What you are being invited to is a party. BTW listen to your husband, he knows the dynamics and is less emotionally involved.

She’s demoted OP from being bridesmaid though. Because the wedding is over.

Someone dressing up in an expensive dress for a party isn’t a bridesmaid.

Just have a conversation with her. She probably thought it would be too much for you and to make the journey and thought she was being nice. She’s asked you to be a bridesmaid, don’t throw a friendship away over a silly misunderstanding.

I haven't RTFT. If I were you - if it's a great friend, just assume there was a good reason for you not being invited. Perhaps they didn't want to put you out - you do live further away. The bride probably sees the celebration wedding as the real wedding.

If they're having something like a humanist wedding they do have to have a legal wedding beforehand.

They may not have wanted to pull a couple of witnesses off the street - which then makes you feel left out. But I would just set it aside. Don't let it eat at you. Situations like this are objectively awkward - people aren't always as good as they should be at managing them and communicating properly in a way that makes everyone feel valued and loved.

it will just have been a local small day for the legal part. She’ll not have wanted many people knowing and taking the importance away from her unofficial ceremony and party. Some people value this day over the official marriage ceremony. I don’t think it’s personal. Try enjoy the hen and wedding. It be a shame to lose a friend.

Given that you're the person organising her hen do, I'd presume you to be the "chief" bridesmaid and find it really, really hurtful that you weren't asked to be there for the legal ceremony, whilst other bridesmaids who aren't helping out with the wedding were.

I would talk to your friend and ask what the thought process was behind this, but she's been quite cruel in my opinion. The least she could have done is let you know. To invite the others feels like she's purposely excluded you, even Iif that wasn't her intention.

I'd let her know your feelings are hurt by this, but give her the benefit of the doubt. Not worth losing a friendship over if it's just a difference of perception.