Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

To the people suggesting that the friend clearly thinks something of the OP to have asked her to be a bridesmaid, that simply isn’t true, Because the OP is no longer a bridesmaid because the wedding has happened.

This do in the summer is a party. No more. There won’t be bridesmaids there will be people dressed up in pretty dresses. The bride won’t be a hen before the party because she’s already married, the hen is the celebration of the bride’s last night of freedom (although these days people seem to have hen do’s equivalent to the average upmarket holiday.

And to the people comparing to other cultures where the legal bit is done prior to the afterparty, the difference is that everyone knows that this is the way it’s done. In this instance the bride has had a secret wedding, has binned off one of her bridesmaids, and is now going to have a pretence party where people are going to be led to believe they’re going to a wedding. They’re not. They’re going to a party.

For the poster who said she’s doing it the same way, your do in France isn’t a wedding either. It may be a wedding celebration, but you are already married.

Fine to tell people that you got married and to come to your blessing/celebration.

But to make people think that this is your actual wedding while you’ve been married all along really isn’t.

For us, June is the real wedding. We are both Catholic, it’s a full Mass. We consider it the real date and that’s when we will celebrate our anniversary. The registry office is just because we couldn’t do the paperwork for abroad in time and it was a pre-requisite for the church to marry us if the ceremony there was to not be legally binding (as we’d have to get a dispensation from the diocese otherwise). So no, it’s not just a blessing.

It's not longer a wedding that you'd be attending so the 'hen do' is superfluous... and you're no longer available to attend.

I agree with your husband and I would be angry for you too.

This is a friend of 15 years, it's a shame that she doesn't hold this in the same esteem that you do. Your job is done.

Friends who have done this have seen the party as their wedding, its due to the law other then in Scotland where you csn get married anywhere.

It still sounds small with the main event being the party and celebrant side of things.
I would be happy to avoid 2 trips with hotels tbh!

So why keep it secret from OP? If I'd done this and decided not to invite of my bridesmaids I'd have at least had the decency to say sorry, the numbers mean I can't invite you, I hope you understand.

Even if I decided to go to the summer 'wedding' I wouldn't be going to the hen and wouldn't be spending large amounts of money on the bride or the 'wedding'.

Personally, I wouldn't go - no point in spending a fortune on what is now just any old party. And I would tell her that: "Now you're married, this is just a party. I'd have put money aside to spend on your wedding, but I can't justify spending £££ on going to a party, sorry."

My cousin got married in Canada. She is lesbian, it was back in 2005 I think. Gay marriage wasn't legal here but it was in Canada. My elderly parents were going to the wedding - they were a bit surprised, I think, as it wasn't a thing here, but they were very excited

Then they discovered the couple had had a legal wedding several months in advance like you describe - most of the family in Canada attended and there was a meal. They did this because there was a concern that gay marriage might be outlawed by the new administration.

Anyway, my mother in particular was beside herself that we hadn't been invited and that they were basically travelling for a party.

She would have preferred to attend the formal marriage.

So I do sympathise with you. I do agree you should have been invited.

I cannot imagine how someone would not be hurt by such actions

Try and use a bit of imagination then? The easy thing to do here would be to make it about you and be hurt. But it's arguably better for the OPs mental health and for the future of her friendship with the bride to reflect on the fact that she wasn't invited because they only asked close friends who live locally. No family or other friends travelled to be there.

Inviting the OP would have changed the expectations for all those friends and family who live further away, and turned the event into a Big Thing rather than the low-key local legal bit it sounds like the bride and groom were intending.

If you're only inviting close friends who live locally you're not as expected to host; nobody will be forking out for hotels and there's not as much of an expectation on other events (meals or whatever) taking place around the ceremony. Whereas if the OP has been invited then this potentially opens the floodgates to feeling obligated to invite family who live further away too.

Let's not forget the bride and groom's own mums, dads, brothers, sisters, and wider family (presuming they have family) weren't at this wedding. As it stands the bride and groom can simply explain they were just inviting local friends along as witnesses. But the minute you invite the OP that's changed and it opens the floodgates to a whole load more people being upset and disappointed.

The bride hasn't handled this brilliantly but the way to deal with it would be through an honest conversation, rather than allowing yourself to be hurt by something that really isn't about you.

Omg. That’s even worse

friends went to the wedding but the parents not invited

I would have been really upset if mini blondes did this

Exactly.

All those saying she probably sees the party in the summer as her wedding etc seem to be completely ignoring how much effort went into keeping all this a secret.

I think it takes effort to exclude one bridesmaid and her family like this.

I cannot imagine why.
Not a single word on the WhatsApp group which would make me think there is another group?

I certainly wouldn't be arranging a hens do for after she is married.

I certainly wouldn't be dragging my family to an expensive party if it didn't suit.

Definitely ask why and reflect on the answers.

But too much effort was made to exclude you and your family for whatever reason.

Life is too short to keep people that hurt you around with such thoughtlessness.

I cannot imagine how someone would not be hurt by such actions.

Depends on how you look at it. Your actual date of marriage is the first one. That is the date of your actual wedding anniversary and the ‘real thing’ as marriage is contract of which you sign at the register office on the UK. I can understand that some people feel they want to be there for the moment where you actually sign the marriage contract. Your second ‘wedding’ in church is actually just a blessing . A lovely celebration all the same and we have been to several of these weddings abroad but we knew going to it that that the couple were already married. Don’t diminish it in any way as they were lovely celebrations but saying ‘you are now man and wife’ when they already were is a bit odd.

I think you're missing the fact the OP wouldnt be bothered by this either, it was the fact it was kept a secret from her and she wasnt invited.

Indeed. I'm honestly amazed so many posters seem to think excluding the OP (the one bridesmaid to not attend) is perfectly normal behaviour.

The actual wedding day didn't all happen last minute so it's obviously been planned elsewhere if it was never discussed on the WhatsApp group so they all chose to actively exclude one of the wedding party and the OP is meant to be fine about this.

More fool you then if you don't say anything, you say her friendship is important to you, sadly it doesn't look like yours is to her

One of my bridesmaids asked me to be their bridesmaid - she was getting married in Australia and then having a second wedding in France as her hubby was French.
I planned to go to the Australia wedding - she asked me not to as she wanted to try and make the French wedding more authentic - ie not people going to both but feeling emotional for the wedding they go to.

it didn’t really work - she herself was as not emotional as she was already married - but she did the planning with the best of intentions and it was her wedding after all

i also had a friend have a registry ceremony - sometimes there is space limitations

I think go with your gut - you love this person so would prob go to her village just for a party so see this as that

totally understandable your feelings are hurt though

Of course it's about you, it takes two to have a friendship and she's done something really odd by not inviting you

I would be hurt too in your position.
The key question (and apologies if I’ve missed the answer in your posts) is how and when did you find out about the details of legal ceremony?

Was it before or after the event? Had you seen her or talked to her that week for instance and she hadn’t mentioned it very soon before the actual day?

At what point did you realise that it had happened and that the other bridesmaid had attended? How did she tell you? Did she tell you or did you find out via social media? You say that you saw photos. Was that how you found out?

If you had talked to her and she hadn’t mentioned it, even close to the day then that’s odd, isn’t it? Especially if you share other news with each other.

I don’t think you can decide whether or not it’s reasonable for you to be hurt until you know the full circumstances. Trust in your friendship. You mean enough to her that she asked you to be her bridesmaid don’t forget that.

You could just ask her a one liner, which is “why did you not invite me? “

See what her explanation is and then you can decide whether or not you should be hurt.

It doesn’t really matter if the bride considers the summer party her ‘real wedding’. The fact is that she is married and if they decided (for whatever reason) not to go ahead with the party then she would still be married!

But I'm assuming they knew about it

Why invite 3 out of 4 bridesmaids plus partners and keep it quiet?

Assume there's a 'secret' WhatsApp group for that

The only issue here is that the OP has been treated differently to the other bridesmaids and that the bride hasn't explained the reason for this.

It's a very important issue. The legal ceremony beforehand, not months beforehand, with witnesses is normal in some countries.

But the bride has behaved badly by not letting on to one of her bridesmaids till the day before. The other bridesmaids have never mentioned it in their chats. That's odd too. Hurtful behaviour.

I can 100% see why you’re miffed. And I can imagine feeling that way too.
I, like others, wonder whether she didn’t want to put you out (lugging the family up) for something that to her was more a formality. Was it originally just her, DH & 2 witness but family drama meant it had to become more?

Anyway, I think none of that matters.

What matters is her wedding is exactly as she and her DH want it. You’re obviously important to her, that’s why she’s asked you to be a BM & come to the event in the summer. You can either say something & create a drama, or take it in good grace, help her to celebrate in the way she wants to, and just make a mental note of this for the future. I’d do the latter.

This is a very common thing to do and I have never seen anyone get so het up about this point in real life as they do on Mumsnet.

The only issue here is that the OP has been treated differently to the other bridesmaids and that the bride hasn't explained the reason for this.

Gently, I think you're overthinking a bit, OP. As pps have said, lots of people have the "legal bit" before the wedding party and consider the celebration party to be the main event.

The fact that she only invited a few friends who live locally to the legal bit underlines the fact that she wanted it to be low key. Inviting you - even though you're a bridesmaid - resets the boundaries for the whole thing. Eg if you're travelling miles to be there then there's pressure to also invite groomsmen/family/whoever who live a distance away. And suddenly the small legal bit becomes an actual party. Which isn't what she wanted.

She obviously values you to have invited you to be bridesmaid. And she probably hasn't communicated this very well. But don't make this a slight on you when it most likely isn't.

I've been in the bride's shoes (sort of). Me and DH were planning to have a registry office wedding with just our mothers as witnesses. But then the dads felt left out. And the step-mothers on both sides. Which then meant we felt obligated to invite all the brothers and sisters. And their plus ones and kids because you can't really invite one half of couple, or not invite their kids. So two witnesses became a party of 20-odd who we then needed to cater for. It was lovely but it was certainly not what we had planned. Perhaps I should've kept it down to just two witnesses.. but that would've meant people feeling left out, like the OP here.

So I'd say unless you are prepared to lose the association all together, then I'd let it go, go to the wedding as planned, be the bridesmaid etc, go to the hen do, and just feel quite sad inside.

What an utterly shit way to live life. Why go to expensive parties that make you feel sad because so-called friends behave selfishly? If the friendship goes, it's not on OP.