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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

507 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 13:42

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/04/2025 12:23

So why keep it secret from OP? If I'd done this and decided not to invite of my bridesmaids I'd have at least had the decency to say sorry, the numbers mean I can't invite you, I hope you understand.

Even if I decided to go to the summer 'wedding' I wouldn't be going to the hen and wouldn't be spending large amounts of money on the bride or the 'wedding'.

Show quote history

It wasn't a secret...

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 13:41

I'd hazard a guess that bride and her local friends already have a Whatsapp group which OP is not part of for planning nights out/chatting etc anyway...

Since OP doesn't really know these people

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/04/2025 13:37

My “best” friend did this and I was extremely hurt. She had been my bridesmaid and I had been a really good friend to her over many years. She had others in our friendship group there but excluded me. Never explained why but did try to say it was “just family” when it absolutely wasn’t. I did go to the reception after but was frankly embarrassed because I hadn’t been invited to the actual ceremony. Our friendship was never quite the same for me and I let it go in the end and we no longer have contact. It really hurt me.

FreeRider · 13/04/2025 13:33

A friend of my husband's got married about 25 years ago, abroad. At the time neither of us were highly paid and really couldn't afford to go, so we declined the invitation. I'd always felt a bit guilty about not going, as they'd made quite a fuss about it.

A couple of years ago, we met up with the couple (they now live abroad) and the wife told us that her mother was very angry with her, because she'd accidently let slip that they had actually got married in a UK registry office 6 months before the overseas 'wedding'. Their witnesses were two work colleagues of the groom's...her parents had paid for the overseas 'wedding', it was extremely expensive. Not a single guest at the overseas 'wedding' knew that they were already married...

I was pretty annoyed tbh. We'd seriously considered getting into serious debt to attend their 'wedding'...it would have cost at least £5K for us to attend.

Italiangreyhound · 13/04/2025 13:32

Cheesehound in your shoes

I would talk to her and find out what happened and why you were not invited.

I think it sounds like a real shame she did not tell you beforehand and I would consider it an issue that has upset you. So worth talking about.

Good luck.

Shubbypubby · 13/04/2025 13:30

She should’ve been up front from the start then you could’ve made an informed choice. She isn’t “wrong” as such to have two weddings but it the way she has gone about it is incredibly hurtful and duplicitous. And personally I think the whole thing is really weird.

pimplebum · 13/04/2025 13:29

Something similar happened to me , I attending best friends wedding with a vicar officiating while we were sitting at tables in a cricket club

later found out it was a “ fake” wedding and they had been legally married the day before with two friends as witnesses

as her best friend I would have liked to have been asked to be a witness and like you I would have put myself out to be there and seen the legal part. I was hurt it was kept secret from me and only revealed when I questioned later why they didn’t sign a register

but they did what they wanted their way and I’ve never mentioned it again

rrrrrreatt · 13/04/2025 13:25

Daffodilsarefading · 13/04/2025 08:41

This is the trap people fall into when booking a celebrant. It isn’t legal.
Only a registrar can legally marry you in England ( or a vicar if it’s in a church.) sounds like she has been taken in by the celebrant who has then casually mentioned the bride and groom will still need to have a legal ceremony.
I would feel hurt too if I were you. I suppose the bride and groom have to go along with this now they have paid out ££££ for the celebrant, and probably didn’t want to spend ££££ on the actual legal ceremony.
I wouldn’t do anything in haste.
Think about it and maybe pull out if the hen do if it won’t damage your friendship.
Not a good situation to be in, I don’t envy you.

I’m not sure it’s a “trap”, nearly all the weddings I’ve been to in the last few years have been celebrant led and the couples have known they’ll need to do a separate legal ceremony. Registry offices can’t accommodate any religious/spiritual traditions and most people aren’t Christian these days so a church isn’t a suitable alternative.

I think couples have to do what works for them and their beliefs, they don't owe guests the wedding they want (eg a legally binding one). I do think the fact they didn’t tell OP is a problem though, if it’s what’s right for them they shouldn’t be hiding it from people.

inkognitha · 13/04/2025 13:24

Asking ppl to be bridesmaids and purposefully hiding from them an event where all other bridesmaids have been invited at the same time, it is a bit much.

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 13:24

PinkiOcelot · 13/04/2025 10:45

Why was it all hush hush then?!

Show quote history

It wasn't hush hush
OP said the legal bit was mentioned in the chat
Photos are being shared

Hardly hush hush

shewasasaint · 13/04/2025 13:24

Some couples do not regard themselves as properly married until they take their vows in the religious ceremony. For people with religious faith, fair enough.

However this bride's plan for a celebrant in a stately home months later doesn't sound to me as if there's a religious element at all so the situation is very different.

Lavenderandlemons · 13/04/2025 13:22

I was bridesmaid for a friend who did the legal bit separately. Only invited one bridesmaid as a witness (4 bridesmaids total). She lives a bit of a distance away but nothing too major. Her reasoning was that she wanted the actual wedding day to be the main event - not the legal bit - and put all the fuss into the full wedding day. She didn't want to take from that by turning the legal bit into a big deal. I totally understood. However I'd be a bit miffed if I was the only one uninvited and they had made a nice day of it together without me.. do you know if they celebrated/had a nice meal etc that day? I think you definitely need to speak to her to understand her reasoning. Then it depends what she says as to how you feel after that.

CrotchetyQuaver · 13/04/2025 13:22

I think I'd be prepared to resign as chief bridesmaid and also the friendship too. I think that's pretty poor on her part.

CantStopMoving · 13/04/2025 13:20

LuellaB · 13/04/2025 13:04

I understand your point, but ultimately it’s the choice of the bride which she thinks is more important. For us, we will have a marriage certificate dated the June wedding which we’ll need to produce in all catechistic circumstances (baptism of children etc). It is the point we will have the sacrament of holy matrimony and to us, that’s much more significant than a contract. I do get that people see it differently and I’d be surprised if our situation is the same because you can do legal Catholic Church weddings here in the UK, but I don’t get the insistence on being there when the contract is signed if there’s something more important to the couple for religious/spiritual reasons (again, we don’t know what the case is here).

Show quote history

i totally get that and for most people they wouldn’t be at all bothered. I can totally understand though that for some people the marriage happens at the point the legal contacts are signed regardless of religious ceremony later and regardless of the bride and groom’s views.

AngelicKaty · 13/04/2025 13:15

@Cheesehound I can understand why you're feeling a little hurt OP, but I think you need to reframe this in your mind because I think you're getting hung up on your and the other two friends' status as "bridesmaids", but if you remove this word the situation becomes much clearer and less emotive.
You say that the registry office ceremony plus meal included only the bride, groom, two friends (the other bridesmaids), their DHs and kids - not even their own parents or siblings. So essentially, the bride and groom wanted to go out for a small meal after their legal ceremony and invited her two closest local friends and their DHs. I think that sounds perfectly reasonable and not meant to slight you, or any of the other very important guests to the summer "wedding" party, at all - and I'm sure your friend would be mortified if she thought that's how you view it. (If these two local friends weren't also bridesmaids would you be so upset?)
I honestly wouldn't say anything to your friend OP. I don't think she meant to deliberately exclude anyone special to her - surely her and her DH's own family members should feel slighted if so? I suspect she and her DH didn't want to have the legal ceremony and just go home straight after so booked a meal for them and the friends who probably acted as the two witnesses that are required.

boredwfh · 13/04/2025 13:12

Tbh it sounds like that was just the legal bit & they consider the wedding with the celebrant to be the real deal. It wouldn’t bother me so much

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 13:12

MsSquiz · 13/04/2025 10:05

Well they’re 100% not the same thing.

A baptism is welcoming the child into the church, not registering their birth, a funeral is a celebration of life not the registering of their death.

A wedding is explicitly the legal joining of 2 people

Show quote history

No

A MARRIAGE is joining two people. A WEDDING is a celebration

It's the same as getting huffy you didn't get to go to other legal bits but were invited to the celebration part

diddl · 13/04/2025 13:10

I think she should have done you the courtesy of asking.

I wouldn't be going to the hen do & I might go to the celebration alone or just with husband if it would be a nice day/evening & not too much trouble.

Genevieva · 13/04/2025 13:08

What’s the point of the wedding if it has neither legal nor religious significance? It’s more like cosplay. How very odd. Will you see friends there? If not, I’d pull out.

Arran2024 · 13/04/2025 13:06

I wanted to add to my story of the Canadian lesbian wedding, we all went in the end - me, my husband and two children and my parents. It was just a late afternoon / evening event in a hall. It lacked the focal point of the wedding ceremony. There were speeches but they didn't bother with formal photographs like you might do - there was no trip to a park to get lovely shots as they had done that at the first event. They did have a photographer but he was mostly snapping the guests.

And yes their anniversary was the day of the marriage, not the party.

Streaaa · 13/04/2025 13:04

The question is how was this all arranged without one single text in the existing WhatsApp group?

There must be a second group, and the question is why?

The Hen do will inevitably be full of chat about the wedding that the OP didn't know about and was excluded from.

Why on earth would she put herself through that?

As for dragging the entire family along for an expensive part? Again why bother if it is just a party?

OP's husband is upset on her behalf, which is telling.

I hope there is some completely reasonable explanation for this, but I cannot imagine what it is.

LuellaB · 13/04/2025 13:04

CantStopMoving · 13/04/2025 12:57

But legally it is. That’s the point. There is a difference between legal and religious ceremonies. Your legal certificate you have to produce as your wedding certificate is your formal civil one. That is the recorded date of your wedding. You are officially married at that point. The religious side of things js different and absolutely you want to be married in church but the fact is you are legally married at that point already. That is the debate here. Some people consider it important to be at the wedding where the legalities happen as that is the official legal date of the wedding. Other people aren’t bothered and just happy to be there at the religious ceremony later. The OP clearly felt they wanted to be there are the point the legal ceremony happened as they felt that was the important moment.

Edited
Show quote history

I understand your point, but ultimately it’s the choice of the bride which she thinks is more important. For us, we will have a marriage certificate dated the June wedding which we’ll need to produce in all catechistic circumstances (baptism of children etc). It is the point we will have the sacrament of holy matrimony and to us, that’s much more significant than a contract. I do get that people see it differently and I’d be surprised if our situation is the same because you can do legal Catholic Church weddings here in the UK, but I don’t get the insistence on being there when the contract is signed if there’s something more important to the couple for religious/spiritual reasons (again, we don’t know what the case is here).

lazyarse123 · 13/04/2025 13:03

I'm glad I'm too old for this shit. What possible reason is there for two weddings?
In your position I would pull out of everything as I would be incredibly hurt. If she thought it was too much for you she could have explained it first and given you the opportunity to go or not. Just sounds like an excuse for two events.

It's not a hen do or stag if you're already married, it's just a piss up.

CurbsideProphet · 13/04/2025 12:59

This is an odd concept to me. A legal marriage ceremony with bridesmaids and groomsmen (but not parents) and then afterwards a "hen do", "stag do", and months later dressing up in full wedding garb with a non legally binding ceremony in front of all your family and friends. When you're already legally married and have been for months. What's the point?

CantStopMoving · 13/04/2025 12:57

LuellaB · 13/04/2025 12:50

For us, June is the real wedding. We are both Catholic, it’s a full Mass. We consider it the real date and that’s when we will celebrate our anniversary. The registry office is just because we couldn’t do the paperwork for abroad in time and it was a pre-requisite for the church to marry us if the ceremony there was to not be legally binding (as we’d have to get a dispensation from the diocese otherwise). So no, it’s not just a blessing.

Show quote history

But legally it is. That’s the point. There is a difference between legal and religious ceremonies. Your legal certificate you have to produce as your wedding certificate is your formal civil one. That is the recorded date of your wedding. You are officially married at that point. The religious side of things js different and absolutely you want to be married in church but the fact is you are legally married at that point already. That is the debate here. Some people consider it important to be at the wedding where the legalities happen as that is the official legal date of the wedding. Other people aren’t bothered and just happy to be there at the religious ceremony later. The OP clearly felt they wanted to be there are the point the legal ceremony happened as they felt that was the important moment.