To feel peeved house guests don't bring anything

I voted YABU, because you're being a martyr. You're putting yourself out, doing too much and then complaining about it. You don't have to make or buy their fussy food. Tell them where the supermarket is.

You don't have to have her visit. Tell them that the date doesn't suit you - every time - until they stop inviting themselves.

Well it seems you're not actually going to say or do anything so what's the point of the post?

If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything

As my kids would say, sounds like a you problem. If you are not prepared to call her out on her absolute piss taking then that is up to you. it's not just that she doesn't bring anything, it's also that she's treating you like an unpaid nanny.

When her child woke early, the sane thing would have been to go and say "go and wake up Mummy". Do you want to continue with this totally one-sided friendship?

You could try 'actually i think we're overdue a visit to yours first, I'll take an anti-histamine for the cat allergy'. I imagine she'll be so unwilling to do that that she'll avoid visiting you for a while.

Another option is to say you can't afford it and ask for £250 for food and electricity.

The best one though is to say we've decided not to have any overnight visitors for a while as we have a number of things to get on with.

This!!!

If she had any consideration for you at all, she would be contributing some food at the very least, and also offering to cook some meals. Since it hasn't even occurred to her, there is no hope of improving things and no point trying to explain.

I would just start making excuses for why she can't come over. The easiest is "Sorry, we can't have you that weekend" because she can't try to talk you round. Be always busy until she gives up.

A decade? How on earth can you go through life being this passive.

You are letting this happen. Why on earth ha e you put up with it for this length of time? She is walking all over you. You are "expected" to find all food and drink? You can say no for goodness sake. And don't come out with "I'm a people pleaser" either as you are causing yourself no end of problems now

Someone from France once was flying through the UK onto Australia and said: tomorrow I will in around London, see you. I said: where, when, I am working, are you sure my town is exactly near that airport, even though I am near London. Are you having an overnight hotel stay around the airport, what is the name of that hotel, what time do you take the next plane onto Australia? - Asked all this in order to be able to plan to see her. She said: just give me your adress and I'll pop in ....- I sent a question mark. That was it. She cooled off and went more normality type after that ...leave alone, I live in a maisonette, no spare bedrooms here

You have made a rod for your own back. Just be brutal and say no. This free-loader is not your friend

Some people are just relentless takers OP, your friend is one of them. Start putting up boundaries. You can meet her at x but she won’t be able to stay over sorry. No need to explain. She’ may or may not have money but she could certainly be cleaning up after herself and getting up with her child. Also if she can afford to jolly to the city then she can afford to buy you a takeaway/bring food and drink and not eat you out of house and home.

Be busy, very busy. Oh, shame we have georgias recital that weekend and there's no more tickets . If you are coming up to stay in a hotel then we would love to catch up for lunch at X cafe ( one where you pay at the counter when you order)
Next time "oh Tim's got 3 mates staying the weekend - we are full up".
Surely they will get the hint.
Otherwise just say NO.

I would never allow this to happen even once from a female friend. You see me for a coffee when you come to London, give me your hotel adress and I'll meet you in the lobby if I got time. This is how I've dealt with all such people in life.

Do you give off a generous vibe at all? I’ve got a relative with short arms and long pockets and when I met her DH (came to stay with us, he told me “ xxxx said it’s great staying with you. They won’t let you pay for a thing”.

I mean WTF?

Sorry @Fluffyholeysocks that was meant to tag @howshouldibehave !

You can invoke the power of the CoL crisis, and also the fact that you’re now 10 years older and want to kick back and relax a bit more, as to why this arrangement no longer works for you OP.
If they invoke a bit of CFery and push back, just tell them that if you wanted to be a B&B owner, you would be charging for it - followed by a tinkly laugh!

OP, look at your language — your friend ‘invites herself’, she ‘dictates’ specialist food, you ‘can’t discuss’ her money, you’ ‘are expected to fund’ her food and drink, you ‘have to babysit’ while your friend sleeps in, you ‘can’t confront her’ on taking advantage etc etc.

None of this is true. No one has you at gunpoint. You are choosing to do this because you think that saying ‘No, that doesn’t work for me’ or ‘Lunch is on you’ or ‘This time we’ll visit you and I’ll take an antihistamine’ is going to make you feel ‘guilty’.

Think about that, and why you’ve chosen to allow yourself to be taken advantage of for a decade. Whose feelings are more important to you? Your own or someone you admit yourself is exploitative, stingy, selfish etc? (Clue — the right answer is yours.)

As I seem to say on these threads all the time, there can be no Cheeky Fucker without a Wet Lettuce. It’s very easy to come and whine about CFs on here, about how they should know to not invite themselves/pay for food etc, but the only behaviour you can control is your own.

What do you choose to do about this? It in no way needs to be a confrontation. That’s your unexpressed resentment speaking, and it’s yourself you’re most angry with. When she proposes another visit, just say that doesn’t work for you, or that you want to see her at her home before you host her again.

Would you consider saying that you're just not having visitors anymore? Simple as that. After so many years of hosting, you've done your bit.

This is about the 5th thread this morning I've read where I've thought, 'just use your words!' which would stop the OP being used/taken advantage of/being martyred.

@Fluffyholeysocks I’m wondering if it’s a bot thing - some days there seems to be a theme

edited to add - sorry fluffy that was for howshouldbehave!

Friendship should be balanced. This family are users, and very mean ones too.
There are many ways you can deal with this - be friendly but assertive. If it ends the friendship, so be it.

What is your ideal outcome? Decreased frequency of visits? She contributes towards food/expenses? You visit her sometimes? Ending the friendship entirely? Something else or a combination of some of these? I think you need to be clear in your own mind about what you want before doing something to tackle the current situation.

It's amazing how many 'friends' you suddenly have when you live somewhere popular. One of my old colleagues lives in a beautiful part of Spain. One of her old primary school classmates contacted her to ask if her and her son could stay and 'catch up'. My colleague agreed, she picked them up from the airport only to be told her 'friend' only had 50 euros for the entire weeks stay.

Its easy, say no!

“You’ve visited us plenty of times - it’s our turn to visit you.” on repeat.
Or
”We can’t accommodate you, but fortunately there are lots of hotels and Airbnbs available. Let us know when you’re around, and if we’re available we can meet up.”
We live in a popular tourist destination, and we have plenty of visitors, but only the ones we specifically invite, not the ones who just want to visit the place we live in. I would never invite myself to stay with anyone, and am astounded that people do. But they do!

Just say no?