To feel peeved house guests don't bring anything

What is it with all these threads at the moment about people getting walked over?

Sorry but I have very little sympathy for any of this.

She’s a lazy, spendthrift chancer and a terrible, ungrateful houseguest who clearly takes the piss out of you, rinses you for accommodation and all-expenses-paid weekend breaks and abuses your generosity, and you’ve allowed this to keep happening over and over again for a DECADE?!! Without you or your DH ever saying a single word to her about her appalling manners and general cheeky fuckery, or even ‘no, you can’t come’? I can understand someone doing this once or twice and getting away with it, but seriously … ten years?

Mental health issues my arse. She knows you’re a pushover who’s unlikely to call her out on any of this, but the whole ‘no money, mental health, poor me, single mother’ horseshit is her insurance policy.

Next time just say no, and keep saying it until she either goes away or asks why, at which point you can tell her exactly what you’ve said here. Either way the friendship is probably over. Cheeky fuckers tend not to stick around when you cease being useful to them.

Tell her you no longer want to host but you'd love to come and visit them and treat her the way she's been treating you and watch her disappear

That should have been a wake-up call OP when she got an inheritance yet never changed her M.O.

She should have taken you out for dinner, brought wine/flowers.

There's givers and takers in this world and she obviously falls into the latter category.

I'm a single mum myself and no way would I be taking charge of someone's kids while they have a lie-in. (Maybe a one-off). I wouldn't treat my friends like she does either.

Find your inner warrior-woman voice and don't let her walk all over you anymore.

“they basically invite themselves”

Only because you let them! SAY NO.

This woman isn’t your friend, she’s a piss-taking, free-loading, self-centred, lazy, selfish, cheeky fucker of the highest order.

If you lost the ‘friendship’ what do you actually stand to lose???

I'm sure your friend would be upset if you said anything. Freeloaders always are when the gravy train stops.

Do you get anything at all out of her visits? If you do, I'd say in future she'll need to contribute towards the food and the work involved. If you don't, say no.

What does she bring to the friendship @Achurchi ?

This is all on you @Achurchi - you are being a complete doormat. You are an adult, time to start acting like one and take control of your time, home and money.

Blimey, what a CF! What did she say?!

I had friends, a family of four who visited when I lived in London. They said they’d got tickets for a show. I said, lovely, I’ll enjoy that. They then said they’d didn’t have one for me.

Well she wants the high life at everyone else’s expense, including yours plus those dreaded early starts with a child.
Can I come in her place and have the same luxuries while you slave over me? No? I thought not. 😂

I’d tell her she can t come u less she contributes and then when she inevitably kicks off I’d be happy that the friendship had ended

Yabu for agreeing for a decade.

We are a family of four and have friends who frequently come to stay for the weekend (one adult and child), and we're never invited back.

Unless I'm mistaken they are not 'friends' (plural) it's one adult friend and their child.

Is this your friend or your partner's?
Are they on the same page?

Is this your friend from when you were single or pre-kids?

As everyone else has said, unless she turns up on your doorstep, she's asking to stay and you say yes.

So just stop saying yes.
Say you're busy and it's not convenient.
If she asks when will it be, you say you're not sure as you've a lot of things planned.

Culturally, the host usually does pay for food for guests and guests can make requests as to what they like to eat.

Really? I've never gone to someone's house and asked for any particular meal to be provided for me, and neither have anyone that has been a guest at my house. And visitors always bring a gift, usually wine, chocolates, pudding, flowers, or a houseplant.

She isn’t going to spontaneously change her behaviour, so you need to change yours as it is the only thing you actually have control over. Either you say no when she asks to come and stay or you set clear expectations around future visits.

OP, she is an appalling CF - who can’t afford to bring a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers - like £3 of daffs at this time of year? You need to think about just how much you want her in your life, and how much you’re prepared to put up with - otherwise you’ll get more and more resentful every visit. Meanwhile, before she leaves, ask if you can arrange to come and stay with her for a weekend.

It seems to me you’re not comfortable with losing the friendship or saying no so head her off at the pass by saying you have decorators in/the boiler’s not working/you have a plumbing problem/you’re waiting for the spare room bed mattress to arrive.

I can see both sides as she is just continuing what you agreed on from years ago- that when visiting she pays to travel down and you host. Culturally, the host usually does pay for food for guests and guests can make requests as to what they like to eat.

The whole money rant you went on is inappropriate, it doesn’t matter poor, rich, in debt or flush- the etiquette for hosting guests is the same.

YANBU to want to change things moving forward, but I’d wouldn’t be going at like she’s in the wrong and been awful,..

If you want to change your decade long Id have a chat with her:
”I’m afraid life is more busy, and as much as we love having you visit, can we reduce the number of visits?”
”Oh, we are a bit short on money, how about we go food shopping when you arrive and we split the food bill? The same for days out, can you cover your tickets/meals please?”
”I’d love it if you cooked us one of your favourite recipes, I’m so bored with what I usually cook.”

The problem with the world we've created now is that everyone is afraid of saying anything direct or honest in fear of upsetting someone's mental health. In reality people need honesty in order to take control of their lives and have better mental health.

Tell her it doesn't work for you and you are feeling taken advantage of. You are sad that she never returns the favour. So you will be unable to host her again until she has done exactly the same for you.

If you can't be honest then just lie and tell her you are in severe financial difficulties and can barely afford your lifestyle or to feed your own kids and you'd like a free holiday please. Or your MH will suffer.

t's difficult but you have to either,

1. Say no to any more visits.
2. Severely limit visits to once a year (or whatever works for you).
3. Allow the visits but be honest about the costs and expectations.
4. Put up with it.

I know which I would do...

Same solution to the vast majority of these kind of threads on MN.

Say 'no'.

Also, you say you have to pretend she's on the breadline... First of all you're an adult, you don't have to 'pretend' anything. But you also say she's burned through her inheritance, is in debt and has to be bailed out by her mum repeatedly. So which is it?

I'd be more understanding of a friend who was genuinely struggling, but not to the point that it regularly inconvenienced me/my family and certainly not to the point that it affected my friendship.

If she's your friend and you want her to remain, you owe it to her to tell her the truth. If she can't accept that, she's not the friend you thought she was.

So you are a family of four and she is a single mum with one child? It sounds as though she might feel slightly embarrassed to have you over tbh, for fear that you might judge her/her house. Also would the four of you go or just you as having a family of four turn up might be a little overwhelming. I say all this as a lone parent with one child myself.
What I don't agree with is not bringing anything and taking advantage of your hospitality. I would bring it up with her and If she's a good friend maybe she will reflect on her behaviour...

There’s too long a list to think if she just brought wine….or just paid for food….or….It just doesn’t work.
So you use the no word. Does she call , WhatsApp or text to arrange a visit? Then you reply by same saying having guests doesn’t work for your family any more, you’ll see her when you visit her.

Poor mental health?
Such an all-purpose excuse.
Let her go and have it somewhere else.