To feel peeved house guests don't bring anything

If they tell you they are coming, say you are going away or the kids are ill.. if they just turn up, don't answer the door

Hi, I would jut say that date doesn't work for us.
You could then say maybe after we come back from a weekend at yours?

I voted YABU, for not having better boundaries, you should have nipped it in the bud before.

Peeved they didn't bring anything - not so much
Utterly pissed off that they keep turning up - absolutely.

First post nailed it.

This, grow a pair! You can’t complain when you have allowed all of it for TEN years.

Ten years? The only fool here is you. How have you allowed this for 10 years?? This is really all on you. You allowed this, gave her permission and firmly made this the norm. I’m not sure what anyone can tell you.

I thought guests were invited.

I understand it has grown into an inconvenience and a chore. You can stop it.
If you can't say 'no, that doesn't suit us', say flat out 'We are not hosting this summer.'

Be free and easy using dh/we/us/our family.

Pre emptive strike, send her hotel links, airbnb, b&b with a breezy, 'would love to catch up for a coffee in town the next time you are in.'
You can do it @Achurchi !

I also voted YABU because you need to grow a pair! Tell her it's not convenient. Don't give your kids this example of tolerating this sort of treatment.

It is possible to do it in a polite but honest way. She may not like the message but that doesn't mean you've been rude.

And to wait until they're invited down to stay.

If you have to, just say your house is being fumigated for squirrels, fleas, cockroaches, dust mites and rhinoceroses. Permanently.

Hopefully that'll put them off?!

You can’t get annoyed because you refuse to say anything! It’s on you. At some point you have to say ‘this doesn’t work for me’ (phrase it however makes you most comfortable) But really? Most problems arise because someone won’t say how they feel. Imagine being honest fromthe start. That would have saved some heartache, I guess.

I voted YABU because you are allowing this scrounger to do this. You have a relationship where you give, she takes. This is on you.

You need to text this lady, tell her coming to stay does not work for you as you feel taken for granted, a box of chocolates is a small price to pay for the hospitality you provide.

I would also add she us not your friend, she is a mere user.

I’ve said it before, but I think we need a MN Hit Squad - women who will tell the cheeky fuckers to fuck off to the far side of fuck, in a way that is harder for the CF’s victims to do.

I’d happily message the OP’s CF guests and tell them off - I’m 60 and have no more fucks left to give.

I voted YABU because you are the fool who has put up with this shite for 10 bloody years!

Why whinge now FFS??????

You are being taken for a mug - over and over again for 10 fucking years.

Bloody fool.

@Achurchi well really, her financial stupidity is not your look out!! tell her she just cannot come and that is that!! dont be a mug all your life! you are letting her walk all over you! tell her you will visit her in her home town and book yourself into a hotel then let her pay for your restaurant food!!

My YABU is because you've put up with their appalling behaviour for so long

But why be disingenuous about it? Why be afraid of the truth?

It's been going on 10 whole years? How have you not said anything like you bring wine and desert and I'll cook one night. The 2nd night we'll share a takeaway and put in £20 each?

Blimey, the kids must be old enough by now to prepare snacks and tidy up even if the parent doesn't!

Have the courage to say something instead of pretending you're not available, you'll feel better for it.

You are unreasonable as you have let this happen. I can’t believe how much of a doormat you’ve been.

Moving forward: from now on her visits just down work because you’ve too many commitments on. And repeat.

Keep it vague and aloof. Freeloader will get the message eventually.

It’s been going on for ‘almost a decade’. That is the OP’s fault - she has let it happen. If that’s me victim blaming her then fine, I’ll hold my hand up. Assuming this is a legitimate post.

Err say no?

I'd tell her you love seeing her but with (whatever excuse eg age / menopause / work / kids / elderly parents / life) it's really taking it out of you hosting people at the moment. And suggest meeting somewhere in the middle or a day trip somewhere.

It's not really about them not contributing. You don't want them to come, which is fair enough because it's bloody hard work having them. So be brave and say it - she's mentioning coming next time. Reply that you've got a lot coming up in the next few months, you'll let her know when you're free. If you let them come back the rules need to change completely. Give her a shopping list. Wake her up when her daughter gets up. Call her into the kitchen to help. Give her jobs - 'Could you just clear the table and stick it in the dishwasher while I sort out the pudding please'.

You could even say - how about we come to you next time?

they make excuses such as they have cats and "oh you don't want to come because you're allergic" which is true, but I can also take antihistamine so it's not really a problem.

But does she know that? Have you ever actually said 'yes, but I can bear it for a day or two with an antihistamine, so we'd love to come. When is a good time?'

Because if not, then she can't really be blamed for not realising that.

Pick a window of a few weeks so she has plenty of date options and can't pretend she's busy on all of them and say 'thinking of coming to see you in May/June for a couple of nights. Don't worry about the cats, I'll dose up on Piriton. When are you free for us to come?'

If she immediately makes every excuse under the sun and won't commit to any of the dates, then you have your answer.

Next time she mentions coming to you, just say 'sorry, we decided not to have people staying over any more. We've turned the spare room into an office, no spare bed/whatever excuse you can come up with.

Or just be brave and honest. Say 'We'd love to see you but you'll have to get a hotel or stay with someone else. We aren't hosting anyone any more. It's just too exhausting/expensive/time consuming so we've decided to knock all that on the head. But anyway, if you are still coming to the city, let me know and I'll come and meet you for lunch or something.'