In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

My husband of 20 years cannot cook. Over the years he has had to learn a few dishes for the kids but he hates cooking and has no interest in it. He is the most wonderful husband and father and very skillful. I always say he could build me a house from scratch but couldn't feed me. Whenever I've had enough cooking, he takes me out or we get a takeaway. And he always tidies up and does the dishes. If I went back to when we started going out, I wouldn't change a thing. He's a wonderful man and if that's the worse thing about him, I can live with it. It's definitely not a deal breaker in the slightest!

I don’t enjoy cooking so I just - don’t cook. But I can cook, and would never expect a partner to do all the cooking for me, or think it was ok to serve low quality meals night after night because I was ok with it.

Cooking is a daily chore, it really isn’t one you can trade out for forever. This is not like I hate mowing so I’ll do some other occasional doesn’t matter if not done to schedule task you don’t like instead.

And if there’s kids in the plan, they need to be able to feed their kids (if not themselves) if you are away periodically.

Conversation is needed. Action to correct is required. But otherwise I’d not be looking to move in with him, or have kids with him no matter how great he is at other things.

Absolutely this is the most ridiculous argument. It’s exactly what abusive men say - eg when you repeatedly nag me to do 15 mins of parenting a week, you are making my home uncomfortable to live in and not respecting my need for downtime. Anyone’s wishes in a marriage come after they start being fair about the load.

The point was that anyone can do it if they read the instructions. They might not know how to do it at the start, but it's extremely simple when you have the instructions in front of you.

It's refusing to consider learning how to do it that's ridiculous, and the poster I was responding to was adamant that she couldn't possibly do it, despite being highly intelligent.

Opposite for me. I think it's crazy to date men who won't cook, especially to consider marriage and children with them.

Whereas being with a man who never cooks and leaves it all to me would be my idea of an awful relationship not matter what his other qualities were.

Not the same though is it?

Him prioritising her wishes shares the load. Her prioritising his wishes places more work on her.

I feel like this would be a crazy reason to ditch an otherwise great guy, but then I've always dated men who can't cook. I do all of the cooking and they do all of the washing up.

We only learned to wire plugs back then because appliances often came without them. Now all appliances come with plugs, so it’s not a skill anyone’s likely to need much in their everyday life. Unlike cooking.

My DH doesn’t cook bar the beige food out the freezer or something into the microwave.

I love cooking and I resign myself to the fact that this is my main household task. DH does ALL of the cleaning and I feel it’s a fair trade off

Tbh I haven't tried to change a plug since we learned in school, and I don't have a car (my impracticality is such that the idea of me driving it is actually a bit scary). I have tried to put up shelves though and it was even more disastrous than trying to cook.

Oddly enough, I had to change a plug a few weeks ago, having not done so for many years! Just to be on the safe side, I checked with Google that I'd remembered correctly!

I haven't changed a plug for decades. They come wired nowadays.

My dh, who has a brain the size of a planet, has issues changing light bulbs and was caught looking for the nail scissors to make a hole in a tube of ointment. Just not wired practically enough to invert the lid.

Changing a plug is incredibly simple! As is checking your car's tyre pressures, oil, water, coolant and screen wash! There is no woman in the country, absent cognitive issues, who could not do those things by following instructions. It's easier than cooking as there's no judgement about the level of heat or the level of browning/done-ness. It's just 'unscrew something, put something in, screw it back up'!

This. But to be honest op sounds like she has contempt for this guy which to me is the death knell for any relationship.

I see lots of people are saying you’re unreasonable but I think it all depends on wether he CAN’T or WON’T cook.

My husband could cook at about the same level when we met at 28 (think a packet of tortellini boiled up and eaten plain).

However he’d never had to learn to cook (military). He now enjoys cooking and will often be the chef when we have guests, as well as finding great pleasure in exploring new recipes and cooking them together with a glass of wine.

So it’s not all lost if the will is there!

He just doesn’t want to.

my DP doesn’t love cooking but early in our relationship made the effort to seek out recipes and we made stuff together as fun date nights.

we have kids and admittedly the fancy meals (lasagne, curry, pie etc.) are all me, but pasta, rice, mash, home made pizzas using the pre-made dough etc. he’s all over it and that’s good enough with kids.

We still make some of the meals we trialed in our early relationship for our own date nights too as they’re a bit spicy for the kids and it’s nice to do things together.

personally, someone who ate noodles with tomato sauce would be a massive ick.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

I don't expect someone to be an excellent cook, but they should be able to make a few basic meals (think fajitas, stir fry, basic pasta dish and something thrown into the slow cooker) if pasta and ketchup was all someone could come up with I would struggle. Yes they could buy takeaway/ready meals/take me out so I didn't have to cook every night, but it would also put the pressure on me to cook a nutritious meal when it was just turn/we were skint/had guests round.

It works both ways, you could say the op is not prioritising her partner’s wishes.

DH and I don’t like cooking and have a tiny kitchen, we are both happy with eating out once a week, one takeaway a week, a couple of ready meals, ready cooked chicken, salads, nice breads, eggs in all their forms, jacket potatoes,frozen veg,cold meats, smoked salmon, pizza etc.
Too much faffing around for us to slave over a meal so not everyone enjoys it.
we should all be allowed to eat what we like imo.

yes agree with others; weaponised incompetence and I bet that’ll show in other ways too over once living together with future family; can’t get the baby to sleep, don’t know how to iron, don’t know where stuff goes, doesn’t know how to garden, doesn’t know what days the bins go out, doesn’t know the school parents so can’t liase with them, doesn’t know what size the children are so can’t be involved with buying school uniforms/shoes/sports kit, don’t know what doctors we’re registered at, don’t know children’s dates of birth can’t make an appointment anyway etc etc etc
No thanks 🤷🏽‍♀️

Someone who has been claiming to want to learn for a year but has not lifted a finger to get started is not a good prospect (and that's not even taking into account the anal neatness). Red flags.

I mean, my DH is a crap cook, god bless him, but he knows the kids need feeding so he can buy a roast chicken and do some rice and broccoli to go with it. You can eat well without cooking. The pasta and ketchup stuff is just grim.

He's 30 and you've noticed that he cannot cook at all. What other life maintenance stuffs is he bereft of? Cleaning, wiping surfaces, vacuuming? This is not someone who's going to do his share around the house - been waited on hand and foot until now. I'm surprised you find him attractive but then, a healthy, able bodied adult sitting around waiting to be looked after doesn't do it for me.

Could you cook together? That way you can support him to learn - it can be a lonely experience starting something new on your own. If it’s such big thing in your relationship , at least you’ll know you’ve tried everything them.

He is who he is, presumably the man you love, and he doesn't want to learn to cook. He doesn't like cooking. Why should he, if it isn't his thing? He's survived this far without becoming Jamie Oliver.

If it is so important to you that you won't accept pasta and tomato sauce or something beige and frozen on 'his' food prep night, then you need to consider your choices: a) walking away b) accepting him for who he is and his limitations in the kitchen c) accept that on his night if you won't eat what he's wants to prepare, it's your joint eating out night or your joint Deliveroo night d) you will, for now at least, always be cook.

In the meantime I agree with the suggestions that you could both together do a cookery course, or both together do the meal prep and cooking. Use it as your 'date night'.