In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

He can’t read a roasting tray out of an oven, he can’t read a full saucepan to drain it, he can’t rean an onion, carrot, potato etc to chop it up, he can’t read a tinopener to open a tin.

From the earlier post I'd say disabilities are stopping his partner.

My husband couldnt cook when we first got married at 30. I taught him, and he now loves it. We share cooking 50/50, and he’s very good at it.
if you don’t want to teach him, have him try a basic recipe on something like bbc good food, and remind him YouTube is his friend.

Which is true. The world is full of cookery books and recipes, which are written instructions on how to make a specific dish. So go on, enlighten us - what stops your able-to-read husband from reading and following a written list of instructions?

If this is a dealbreaker for you, you need to tell him. My husband can’t cook and is not interested in learning. He has tried and has cooked with me a few times but it’s just not something he cares to do. He makes salads for himself and will roast chicken thighs or fresh fish in the oven for the kids when I travel but that’s about it. I do most of the cooking for the family. It’s not a deal breaker for me as he does other stuff I can’t stand (like laundry) so it works for us. But you need to speak up and see how he reacts (in terms of taking action). You also need to decide if you are ready to leave if nothing improves.

It's not exactly hard to follow a recipe. Assuming he can read there is no excuse at all. If he won't make the effort then it sounds like a typical case of weaponised incompetence.

If he pulls his weight in other ways, eg cleaning or tidying, is it really a dealbreaker? Do you think you’re going to find someone who does everything he does AND cooks? Sorry but perfect doesn’t exist. Don’t you think there might be one or two things he wishes that in a perfect world you might do/not do?! All this “oh but my love language is X” nonsense. Is this man going to hold your hair back as you vomit with morning sickness? Is he going to hold your hand at the hospital when you have to register the death of a parent? Is he going to say “I’ll take the baby, go to bed” when you’re exhausted? Is he going to pick you up at 3am when you’ve accidentally stayed out too late with your friends? Are you going to do all that for him (except the sick maybe)?

If you’ve found someone who ticks every box but one, AND he’s ready to put up with commit to you, and you’re 30, wanting kids etc, then really why are you contemplating dumping him? Sounds a bit silly to me.

Ok. Someone who can read, and doesn’t have a physical disability that restricts their movement or fine motor coordination, can cook.

It’s not that he can’t. He does not want to learn.

So either accept you will be sole cook or find somebody else.

A man who doesn’t cook is a dealbreaker for me…but I would be fine with one who doesn’t do laundry. For example.

You’re saying if someone can read they can cook.

You don't even have to read to be able to cook.

There are literally millions of video tutorials on the internet.

I’m assuming he has a disability. The OP doesn’t suggest her boyfriend has one.

If he can read he can cook. No way would I contemplate a relationship with someone who is so lazy he thinks ramen or pasta and ketchup (ketchup???) are normal things to put into your body. DH does all the cooking here when he’s not away, because he loves it and is very good, but I’m a perfectly competent cook when he’s not, plus I bake. If DH and DS are away, I will probably do something very simple, like roast an aubergine and eat it with tahini, or make a salad with halloumi and grilled vegetables, but I’m basic, not incompetent.

Is it not? My husband can read, he can’t however chop, stir, lift a pan, kettle or baking tray. He can’t read a roasting dish out of the oven.

If he can read he can follow a recipe, it's just a set of instructions after all. But why should he bother what you keep doing it all.......

Actually, it’s something I could live with if I didn’t have to clean up after. Like, ever. No dishes, no cleaning the kitchen, no mopping of the floor, cleaning the oven, etc.

That's not a Get Out Of Cooking Jail Free Card. What if your relationship moves on to marriage and children, and he decides he doesn't care to change nappies? He doesn't care to do night feeds? He doesn't care to do the school run? He doesn't care to nurse them when they're sick? Or the blatantly obvious - he doesn't care to do anything at all because that's what he married you for?

If you are now "talking about kids/marriage", then a discussion about cooking needs to be on the table too. Heavy on the 'if you leave me to do all the cooking, it will inevitably cause resentment and we won't last'.

"He keeps saying he wants to learn but he’s been saying that since the day I met him"
Then he needs to deliver. NEEDS TO.

I have a baby who we are weaning now. Let me tell you, there's a lot of cooking involved.

Wait until they get to fussy toddler stage. Unless they’re addicted to star fruit you’ll be happy to get chicken nuggets or eggy soldiers into them.

Exactly.

There's no such thing as 'Can't cook'.

There's only 'I can't be arsed to learn'.

My husband doesn't cook. He is happy to eat the same half dozen crap meals every night of his life. Food is fuel to him. I'm not sure he has taste buds given the crap that he will cheerfully ingest. But he doesn't expect me to cook so...

We've been married over 20 years. He has other good points.

Personally that would be a deal breaker.

Cooking isn't just that 30 mins of putting some pasta on the stove - you become the default meal planner, always thinking of what's in the fridge, what we need from the shop etc. And on a Sunday morning I don't want a takeaway. I want my DH to make me some eggs on toast and it's the stuff of dreams. We alternate so we both get nice lie ins. I can't imagine having to get up every Saturday and Sunday morning to cook breakfast.

I have a baby who we are weaning now. Let me tell you, there's a lot of cooking involved. Especially if you give a flying fuck about your child's health.

You should have this conversation with him as one part of the moving in together conversation. There maybe things you do or don’t do that he’d like to broach too.

Either that or first try getting him both a recipe box subscription plus cooking lessons for his next birthday/christmas and see if he gets the hint.

I think I would give him the elbow. If a man doesn’t tick that particular box for you, then he’s no good. He really must conform, as all men should.

Unless he is also illiterate then he can cook.

If you can read, you can cook. It's not hugely difficult.

I have a certain amount of sympathy with him.

At 30, I had no interest in cooking. I loved food from restaurants, but at home, a pork pie and some cherry tomatoes would do. Or beans on toast. Or a cheese sandwich. There were so many other things I wanted to do.

30 years later I cook from scratch every night.

You are at different stages of maturity. Talk to him, but don't be surprised if he doesn't respond.