In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

Upthread, some mentioned that not cooking is pure laziness. No it isn't, in my opinion. I'm just not interested, in the same way my wife had no interest in home repair or auto maintenance. In 47 years together my wife never touched a hammer, or a paintbrush, or even put petrol in the car, let alone checked the oil.

But it's not 'lazy", it's disinterest. I've got one offspring (in his 50's) who is very interested in gardening, and grows his own vegetables. Another offspring lives in a townhouse, and wouldn't know which end of a spade is which.

And "non-cooks" not relying on a woman to cook for them, as someone implied. When I was in hospital, getting a variety of meals every day, I didn't know or care if the kitchen staff were male, female, or Martians.

My diet is actually pretty healthy, cereal, fruit. I try to keep my sweet tooth under control. I don't consume enough protein, and drink a protein supplement, when I remember.

Sorry for all the babbling.

For me the deal breaker would be if he didn't know how to clean the house. I only do cleaning if I've been working from home and need to clear up after workmen or my DH is away. As far as cooking is concerned, he can and does but mostly I do with his able assistance. He does always make breakfast though and generally does any washing up. Works for me.

I hear you although mandatory for my beans..Raise your Worcester sauce to mango chutney for cheese on toast 😋

@CanadianJohn how lovely, you're going to get lots of help here!

Esp as OP has disappeared for the time being anyhow

HelloFresh or Gousto etc., leave him to it, don’t get involved. These are fool-proof recipes and a great way to start, then he’ll develop the skills and confidence to improvise. This is a surmountable hurdle esp. as you otherwise think he’s great - but he needs to know that you’re not his personal chef 👩‍🍳! 😐

Rule of thumb - when frying, use a frying pan.
Frying requires oil - a couple of tablespoons.
Always start on low to medium heat to prevent spitting and burning.
Check the interior of fried meats for doneness by using a meat thermometer, or poke a hole to check for pinkness. Pink interior means 'needs to cook longer'.

Seasoning means salt, pepper, steak seasoning, cumin, chili powder, paprika - basically any spice or herb ground up.

Herbs can also be termed seasoning. They're not usually used to season a fried dish. You would add herbs to a sauce for flavour.

Aromatics are onions, garlic, celery, sometimes peppers and carrots. They can be fried.
Herbs can also be called aromatics. They add flavour and aroma.

A restaurant is a good idea - you can bring leftovers home and refrigerate them.

To ensure good health, though, would you consider a basic cooking course or consulting a dietician?

What would be in it for him?

He gets decent meals cooked for him by you, and I'm sure there's more to the relationship than that.

Sorry, but he is fine with the idea of you doing the cooking in this relationship.

Ooh, no. 🤣

Cheddar is for cheese on toast. With a bit of Worcester sauce 👍

I know what you mean on the love of those half dozen crap meals. DH is a pretty good cook but since starting my diet we have different meals, so he has reverted to his awful favourites.

Sometimes, like tonight he cooks both. He made me an amazing Kimchi Jjigae Korean spicy cabbage stew but cooked himself mince, onions and pasta covered in cheese.

With cheddar too though???

Only you know if it's a deal breaker.
I don't cook. I can cook (wouldn't say I'm a great cook at all but I can cook) but i have no interest in it whatsoever and therefore i seldom do. My husband cooks pretty much all the meals. I cook sometimes for the children of course but when it comes to adult meals he is in charge. He is happy with that set up. I do loads of things he doesn't enjoy doing. It's about splitting the duties surely. Cooking is definitely not my way to show love. It's his. So it works for us.

Any pan as long as it's clean.

Medium heat. The flame is halfway between barely on and blasting away. If it gets loud and spits when you add the meat, turn it down a bit. A gentle sssss sound is fine. Kind of like trundling along at 30 rather than foot to the floor.

Probably. You don't need much, though, just a couple of teaspoons worth, like if you were adding a bit of 3-in-1 oil to help a windscreen wiper assembly or a hinge move freely. It's just to stop it sticking to the bottom of the pan as much.

Salt and pepper's fine.

It's done when it doesn't look like a bit of a dead animal and poking at it feels more like the palm of your hand at the base of your thumb (the fleshy bit) than poking at it when it came out of the packet. If it's a whole chicken breast, you'll see the colour turn from pink to a whitish colour from the bottom where it's touching the pan - when the whitish bit is more or less halfway up, use a spoon/egg flipper/fork to turn it over to cook the other side. This is easier to do if you've used a bit of oil to stop it sticking.

If you cut it up into bits beforehand, you'll get the idea of what cooked looks like without finding raw/pink/slimy bits in the middle. Having a medium burner helps this, as too high will mean it cooks (and burns) on the outside before the inside gets a chance to cook.

I'd suggest you then put the cooked chicken on a plate with half a bag of mixed salad leaves and some mayonnaise. Or if you have a tin of potatoes, heat them up in a saucepan or a bowl in the microwave for a couple of minutes until they're hot.

Not expecting you to do it, but in case you ever do feel the urge to try...

Urgh massive turn off for me.
Also ridiculous, every competent adult can cook, so many easy recipes to follow online or in a basic cookery book.
Yes some people have more of a flair for it than others, and enjoy it more, but not being able to scramble eggs is just nonsense.
If you marry him you will be the one cooking every meal because he “can’t” - nip it in the bud now

I taught myself how to do these things living independently at 18. There is ZERO reason why he cannot teach himself. The lack of motivation and the expectation that some woman will be along to do the job so why bother learning is a massive turn off. There is just zero excuse.

YANBU. Stick to your guns. Tell him that for 3 months every other date should be him cooking you a simple but nutritious meal. Start with something basic like an omelette or a salad.

You are 1000% right. This is basic adulting and he cannot be expected to be taken seriously with a pasta con ketchup signature dish.

I don't think I could marry someone who eats pasta and ketchup! That's gross 🤮

It sounds like he's just not that bothered about good food. If you're serious about a future with him, I would make it clear that he is going to have to learn to cook a range of basic dishes - shepherd's pie, sausage and mash, pasta bake etc because you are not going to spend the rest of your life doing all the cooking. I know women who cook and freeze meals for their husbands if they go away 🙄 it's ridiculous! Cooking isn't hard, following a recipe isn't beyond any competent adult. If you have children, he needs to be able to prepare decent nutritious meals for them. I think you need to talk to him seriously and tell him how you feel!

If food is your love language, I'm not sure how compatible you are. You could probably make him learn at least some basic cooking, but you can't make him genuinely care about it.

Unless I've missed a msg OP it doesnt sound like you've spoken to him? Just dropped hints?

I've been married for 25 years to a man who can't cook/won't cook. He has never cooked a meal in all that time. When I've been ill I've still cooked, even if I'm not eating. He has absolutely no interest. He says if he wasn't with me he'd just order takeaways or snack, he still wouldn't cook. It's very frustrating - I would love someone to bring me a meal.

OP you're in a better position than me - DH wouldn't know the first thing to do with an egg, scrambled or otherwise!

Take it from someone who's been there: this will be the tip of an iceberg of other very basic life skills he can’t manage.

Once you’re cohabiting and married he will slide into passivity and inertia and you’ll fall into a mothering role without meaning to. And when kids come along he may break down entirely and cease to cope.

It’s a tale as old as time. Get out while you can.

I’m not a brilliant cook but I can follow a recipe with various results and not poison anyone, so I call that a win. Tell your DP he’s not expected to be Gordon Ramsey, only that he needs to get the basics mastered. (My scrambled eggs are rubbery but that’s how I like them)

I love cooking!! It relaxes me, I find it so enjoyable. I hate washing up, clearing away, and wiping down the kitchen. My husband does the latter every night and it works for us. He’s cooked for me a few times, it’s not bad, just think I prefer my own cooking!!

Being unable to make scrambled eggs is just laziness. My ten year old can made them. It is not hard.

He's got to this age because people have enabled this. Do you want to live like this? Is that how you see your future, putting up with this degree of laziness?

Bin him but tell him why it's such a turn off. If he really loves you, he'll suddenly discover how to cook. Otherwise he tells you all you need to know about how he values and respects you.

Gusto subscription NOW
After tolerating 30 plus years of similar culinary incompetence, should have done this 32 years ago (wasn't invented then).
It's a life skill (cooking) and an expression of care towards your partner.

OP I’ve been with my DH for 13 years and married for 7. He is 100% one of those people who just can’t cook.

we’ve been together since uni and he was lucky his friend at uni was an excellent cook and then we moved in together in 3rd year! He just can’t deal with it. Hello fresh 20 min stir fry took him an hour once. He has to have every correct ingredient and can’t comprehend how to substitute stuff or just look in the fridge.
He has a first class software degree, excellent job and we have a wonderful DD who he is an amazing hands on Dad too.

The man just can’t cook and I’m fine with that! I blame his dad, he was a stressful cook and used to shout them away from the kitchen. Me? My grandad was a chef and had us all cooking from a young age. Only 1 of his 3 daughters can actually cook though and it isn’t my mother 😂

I have found it’s not unusual for 1 to be able to cook and 1 not in a relationship, shouldn’t really be a dealbreaker if they pull their weight!x