Why would a mum block a friendship? Playdate exclusion

We had this situation and I won't have the girl over, low level snipey comments, comments about clothing, they've got xyz toy/tech and mine doesn't, attempting to not allow my DD to have any other friends, a "you can't play with anyone else but me" situation. All very overwhelming for my DD. The mum would (and has) tried to say to me how her DD is the nicest kindest girl who wouldn't hurt a fly but it's a very demanding and domineering friendship, I can see its not healthy for my DD and I'm not prepared to facilitate that.

The mum may have reasons you don't know about, I'd focus on other friendships and have other children over where the parents are happy for it, and leave your DD to play with the other girl at school. If she's 9 you're getting to the stage where they will play and knock on each others houses independently soon and this won't be something you have to worry about.

My DSs best friend at school tells my child about all sorts of rubbish he watches on YouTube (not allowed in our house). It has caused such a headache.

When they are together DSs behaviour goes downhill a lot and they have now been separated at school. He is a different child and even school have said how positive it’s been for DS. The other child’s mum on the other hand has said it’s not a big deal and they were making a fuss of nothing.

They are both good kids but not good together and DS was really clinging to this friendship when it was getting quite toxic (the other boy was imo showing some quite controlling behaviour)

Mum is nice enough but wants to be really friendly and without sounding horrible, she’s just not my sort of person.

I don’t want to go out of my way to facilitate a friendship outside of school with them. DS can play with who he wants at school but every time a play date has been suggested we have been “busy”.

There could be loads of reasons, fair or not. Certainly not bullying.

She sounds quite odd and very rude. It's possible she really doesn't like you. But most mum's would overlook dislikes and put children first.

I agree with this.

OP, I have a situation where I'm in a little mum gang. One of the other mums just doesn't seem to like me. I am so friendly to her as well. I feel like it can only be something that affects her, it's her insecurity and something about me bothers her. It is not necessarily a reflection of you. Also quite often people exclude others because they are scared of being excluded themselves.

It's difficult isn't it? If it helps, we're also on the receiving end. The other child that my CD likes is nice enough and lets her DC come round, but she has her own friendship group in the class and those DC do everything together, leaving mine out.

In this case, the DC are 5 and hitting is not acceptable. He hits reguarly and is a bit of a bully. I won't have them in my house or on neutral ground because then I would have to accept invites to their house on my DC's bdehalf, and also I want to discourage this friendship. I only go on what my DC tell me. Perhaps other kids are also badly behaved, but I don't know about it.

This is so sad though. When my DS was in state elementary I thought it was excellente that he got to see different home environments. As long as I thought the parents were decent human beings he was free to go on playdates. And being a decent human being has nothing to do with class or wealth but with core values and kindness.

Is there something different about your son compared to the friendships she IS encouraging?

I think this is the most obvious and common reason, even at private schools. The most frequent school gate/birthday party gossip tends to be about parents and everyone quickly gets to know what each family does. To be fair, schools are unique in the sense that you are forced to socialise with a huge number of people that you many not necessarily ever cross paths with. Humans are tribal animals, and many parents obviously gravitate towards those with similar backgrounds. The may also want to have the reassurance of knowing what their kids get up to at play dates or sleepovers, and the vast majority of people assume that families from a similar background will have the closest lifestyle and house rules as themselves.

At some point your children start to make their own mind up who they want to be friends with. It’s difficult at times, because you don’t always agree with their choices. Hopefully they end up with a strong, supportive group of friends.

DS had a few up and down struggles but is now 20 with a great group of close friends and is part of a larger group that, despite all being at uni, still meet up.

It doesn’t always happen easily, it’s usually the children whose parents curate their friendships too heavily that end up in less secure groups.

Let them find their tribe. It may not always be your choice, but sometimes you need to let them learn by making their own mistakes, within reason.

Treating others nicely doesn’t mean being a mug or a people pleaser, though.

She’s allowed to have boundaries. It’s healthy for her to set and hold them. She isn’t being unkind just because she doesn’t want your kid over for a play date or to go on a play date with you, and it certainly isn’t exclusion or bullying.

Could be any number of reasons. For example, our youngest was friendly with two children in Year 1/2. No way on earth would I have allowed him to play at their houses (one family had a big, slobbering, scary dog and the other’s father smoked like a chimney).

The kids were always welcome at our house, though.

At that age I would just be honest with your DC and say you don't know why playdates aren't happening and encourage them to invite other children over if they want to. Unfortunately there isn't much more you can do and as others have said if they remain friends then eventually they will make their own plans and you won't need to get involved.

It sometimes has something to do with social class unfortunately. I've observed that many times as a primary school teacher. You get to know which children are going to playdates with which other children and you do know something about the background of the children as the year goes on. You can see it - some parents not wanting their child to play with someone who lives in social housing. Or parents wanting their children to mix with children whose parents were in similar professions.

There is a fair amount of "social engineering" at primary school where some parents will steer friendships towards families they feel comfortable with.

Exactly this. Some parents use school as the best way to gain connections or friendships with people that they feel might benefit them. It seems disingenuous to claim that getting treated differently is all down to chance and there's no rhyme or reason behind it. There is always a reason, and here are some of the most obvious, if not a bit unpalatable, reasons:

The other children have richer, successful or famous parents.

The other children's families already know each other in some way. A mutual friend, relative etc.

The other parents have jobs that could be beneficial on a personal level (eg doctor, dentist, beauty salon owner etc)

The other parents might be teachers or connected with the school in some way

The other parents are colleagues or have certain work connections.

Just in case you come from a different ethnicity or religion, plain prejudice also plays a role. Some parents genuinely don't want their children socialising too much outside of school with kids from another race/religion and unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that.

There's one like this in my street who is cold but DS and her DS are in the same class. Nothing I can do. If they want to play they can. I won't stop them. Best not getting upset over this.

You just have to accept she doesn't want to be your friend. Just forget about her and concentrate on nicer folk.

Is you DC friends with anyone else in the group that she does approve of hanging about with?

If she is, I would expand the invitations, so it is her child that would miss out due to her behaviour rather than yours. Ask the whole group if they'd like to go to the park after school, for example. Maybe invite the close friend and one other over at the same time, in a group chat to both mums.

She probably feels her DD has enough friends, it's enough hassle for her already, easier to keep things the same. She's just not very friendly and doesn't care about you or DD. She might care if the dynamics shifted a bit.

Who has older siblings in the whole situation? Sometimes people who have already done a lot of playdates with their older children, do less or favour playdates where there is an older sibling to play with as well. It might not be that personal if the other three all have older siblings that are friends with her older sibling.

I've now discouraged a friendship too, because the child has not learnt boundaries. Mum is 'too nice' and the child is bossy, loud and obnoxious. When she used to come to my home, aged 9/10, she ruined a carpet using my eyeshadow, made 'milkshake' and spilt it everywhere, rubbed expensive body lotion on the dog... Every time there was something. She was such hard work. Whenever I mentioned it to the Mum she would smile indulgently and say 'oh dear'. But I put up with it until she displayed meanness to my dd and another child, and that was the final straw. I haven't told the mum because I know she wouldn't be able to take it on board about her darling dd. I'm just letting the friendship fade out and pointing out to my dd that this behaviour shouldn't be tolerated.

Not saying your dd is behaving like that. I'm just saying the Mum will have some reason that you don't know about, unfair or not. And if you don't want to know because it might be hard to hear, it's best to let it go.

Do you have a dog or any other pets she might not be keen on?
How do your houses compare size wise etc?
Who knows ?

Nobody is going to be able to tell you why the mother is being like this, we can only make assumptions and advise of the numerous possibilities that it could be.

Example, I have a child with social anxiety and has selective mutism. This means he cannot speak in certain situations and definitely would not be able to socially interact with someone he barely knows, obviously we are working on this with him.

Anyhow, perhaps this parent has social anxiety and is unable to reach out to parents she is not familiar with and stays within her familiar friendship group. Maybe sad for her child if he wants to extend his friendship outside the school but she maybe just trying her best.

Unfortunately we can't tell you, all we can advise is, encourage the friendship in school and see if he is able to extend his friendship outside of school with other children whose parents allow them to.