Why would a mum block a friendship? Playdate exclusion

My DS had a similar friend. I quietly faded that friendship out by not inviting the friend to playor accepting invitations

I didn't tell the mother why. I felt it wouldn't go down well. No one responds well to their child being criticised

Yes but, yes but, yes but.

OP, you've been given plenty of advice, but keep on repeating your bewilderment and insisting there's simply no reason for this woman to be uninterested in fostering a friendship with you and your daughter.

I agree with those suggesting you stop torturing yourself and move on, for your own sake.

The pp you quoted here advised to not make a big deal of it with your daughter and I think that's the way to go.

Please don't put your self-worth in the hands of this woman.

This.

OP, you are oddly fixated on this and aren’t really taking on board any comments that don’t reinforce your existing narrative. YABU. Let it go.

OP what is it you aren't you getting?

It is not bullying to decline an invitation to a playdate.

It is not bullying not to invite your child on a playdate.

(I hate the term playdate)

What people do, and who they see out of school is their choice. You, and by extension, your child, are not entitled to people's time or company.

It is very important to have boundaries in life (especially for women and girls!) and it is not bullying to say 'no' to someone, mean it, and not feel obligated to provide justification for that.

Let it go!

No where has the op clarified how she knows this other child wants to play with her daughter outside of school. No where.

It will be from her own child’s mouth re how close they are and desperate to get together out of school

It isn't bullying to decline a play date. It's her house and no one is entitled to play dates.

You need to accept the fact that they will just play together at school.

You did see that the little girl also blanks the OP’s daughter when out

so the Op entire version of this incredibly close friendship is built entirely on what her young child says is the case during the school day

she’s never actually seen this close friendship in practise

and the op is steadfastly ignoring question re birthday parties

The mum of the friend has actively ignored OP's invites. How is that seeing shadows where there aren't any? It just seems a bit of a stretch to make the judgement that OP has no friends and is socially inept based on wierd behaviour from one other person.

Why? Some people struggle socially
and on the basis of this thread, I’d say it is highly likely the OP is one of them

leading her to see be ultra sensitive and see shadows where there are none when it. Ones to her daughter

Mean!

How do you know the other child wants a play date with your child?

Op

what happens for birthday parties

and the other child blanks your daughter outside of school

so your view on this “close friendship” comes entirely from the mouth of your daughter?

There's also an element of jealousy

well you think she’s jealous of you.

Similar situation here with one set of parents. The Dad is friendly but the Mum is downright weird. That said, we work in the same professional field, I'm more senior and I work and socialise with her boss.

There's also an element of jealousy. This Mum is naturally quite competitive and my DC said when they had their one playdate before we were all ghosted, the Mum was quizzing them about what books they were reading, what musical instruments they played and what extra curricular activities they did. Even so far as to ask how they did on X test in class. Better than her DC apparently.

Obviously we didn't pass the test as DC wasn't invited back and she has avoided further playdates when we've invited here. The kids are super close in school and always play together but my DC is never invited to birthday parties and we've stopped asking. It can be awkward but DC is bright enough to know it's nothing to do with her or her friend, just that the Mum is a loon.

DC are 10/11.

What’s the chances the OP doesnt have any friends and has struggles socially all her life? High

The OP’s entire interpretations of this apparently very close friendship seems to be coming from her young daughter’s mouth, given the other little blanks the OP’s daughter when out of school

im curious about birthday parties but I have a sense the op isn’t coming back

What on earth are you talking about?

Kids who struggle with school refusal do so because their moms hang out with families they like?

Does this child come to birthday parties? Do you have other kids over?

You keep discussing other children’s behaviour but it has no connection.

You sound quite gossipy to be honest.

Are the other kids that she organises play dates with kids of her friends?

There are a few mums of kids in my daughter's class whose mums were already friends and their DDs have playdates regularly.

These mums are nice, but if in a similar scenario - if one of the mums were a bit antisocial and their kids already were friends with their kids friends, I can imagine a situation where she might not bother facilitating friendships with other children.

Of course it isn't bullying. No one is entitled to play dates in someone's home.

How do you know feedback from school about the other child's behaviour?
Again surely you are basing this on hearsay of what your child says about the friend and other children (you say the mum invites naughty children over, is this fact or opinion?).
You also say 'both children want a sleepover' - how do you know this about the other child, other than what your own says? Unless they are both come running up to you after school to ask, in which case walk them over to the other mum and talk then? This would be a good opportunity to say with the children there how much your child hopes to organise a playdate and when would be a good time to do this.

Otherwise as I said previously, they enjoy each others company at school so I wouldn't worry to much what goes on outside of school.

AIBU to think this is exclusion or social bullying?

Yes you are being unreasonable. This is nothing like exclusion or bullying and it's quite ridiculous to make that leap. Besides, I think children should be free to choose their friends and while I understand it sad for those who don't feel included, I don't think we should ever force our children to play with or include others they don't want in their social group. They might have their own very good reasons for not enjoying a particular child's company and that should be respected. In school or clubs there is plenty of opportunity for inclusion and group play but in their own private time children should be free to pick their own playmates and not have others forced upon them. We as adults reserve the right not to include every Tom, Dick or Harry in our tight social circle, so what message are we sending to children when we don't extend the same choices to them? As you say, this doesn't even seem to be the other child excluding yours, but it seems to be their mother. So what's the point of going there? You aren't going to change her mind and you'll look a bit unhinged if you challenge her about it. Presumably your child and their friend can still play together at school.

How do I support my child as child doesnt understand why friend cant play outside of school?

You just explain in a very matter of fact way that some parents don't like their children having or hosting playdates, or if they do then they only invite the children whose mums they are particularly friendly with themselves. Don't make a big thing about it, just tell them very matter of factly. Don't give them a complex over not being chosen or not good enough.

Not really all your doing is picking the mother apart,if you say this sort of stuff to other people it's probably got back to her

Sorry i didn't get a chance earlier to add...

DS has made friends outside school with another classmate in a nearby street so it's not all bad. I get on fine with this particular mum, but really friendships are fickle at these ages.

I find once they've gone to high school you can relax and leave them to navigate friendships between themselves. Meaning you don't get involved and that's honestly for the best!

You mentioned the mother is odd and cold, the child fecks off on your child and the kids she "facilitates" are problematic but yet your child is perfect. There is a reason why this mother doesn't want anything to do with you and it's glaringly obvious.
Back off, leave the kids to play in school and stop pushing the agenda. SHE DOESN'T WANT HER KID PLAYING WITH YOURS OUTSIDE SCHOOL. End off, accept it.