Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

368 replies

Thowawayname · 01/02/2025 16:59

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 02/02/2025 08:21

Another no return OP got everyone talking about their sex life.

Bartoz · 02/02/2025 08:14

stayathomer · 02/02/2025 06:44

We are having potential relationship ending issues because dh believes what youre asking - that I’d happily never have it again- but I would, I love him, I enjoy sex, I’m just bloody tired because of life and so end up never initiating. He says it’s like I’m not attracted to him and possibly don’t love him and he doesn’t know how to get over the sadness and I’m sad he thinks it so we have long heartbreaking conversations that go nowhere except him asking can we have counselling and me thinking it can’t possibly help because how could he ever have thought I don’t love him. I’m 44

I'm not quite sure I disagree with him here. Your partner has raised an issue in the relationship that impacting him. He's approached this js a reasonable way. You're choosing not to engage and seek help to improve the situation.
Unless there is an underlying serious problem (health, financial worries, child issues) you can't just blame "life" as a reason to disconnect from your relationship. It doesn't work that way. You've a responsibility to find time, energy and headspace to work on the relationship that you freely entered into. Otherwise you're not being reasonable.

PermanentTemporary · 02/02/2025 06:48

I've got to say if you are having conversations that go nowhere, and a male partner who is actually asking to go to counselling, then yes I would definitely do that. I hope you find a way forward together.

stayathomer · 02/02/2025 06:44

We are having potential relationship ending issues because dh believes what youre asking - that I’d happily never have it again- but I would, I love him, I enjoy sex, I’m just bloody tired because of life and so end up never initiating. He says it’s like I’m not attracted to him and possibly don’t love him and he doesn’t know how to get over the sadness and I’m sad he thinks it so we have long heartbreaking conversations that go nowhere except him asking can we have counselling and me thinking it can’t possibly help because how could he ever have thought I don’t love him. I’m 44

farmlife2 · 02/02/2025 06:40

PermanentTemporary · 02/02/2025 06:30

For those posting that sex is about the chance of procreation, how do you explain gay sex and relationships?

I don't think anyone said it was only about procreation. What I read was that those who linked it to procreation argued it could be natural for libido to drop off when fertility decreases or stops (though obviously that doesn't happen for everyone). If that is the case, then I would expect that same sex female couples would experience a drop of libido linked to hormones that govern fertility as well. Maybe less so for men, who are fertile all their lives in general, but who also may experience less interest as they age and testosterone decreases.

PermanentTemporary · 02/02/2025 06:30

For those posting that sex is about the chance of procreation, how do you explain gay sex and relationships?

61here · 02/02/2025 05:55

I'm 64, hubby is 65 and our sex life now is the best it's been since we were teenagers. Been together 47 years. It dipped down whilst we had kids and for a couple of years again when I was menopausal but we managed to keep the spark going. I think communication is the key. We've always talked about what we were feeling/wanted and compromised where necessary.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 02/02/2025 02:41

Crazyworldmum · 02/02/2025 01:20

To be fair , lacking a sex life in a relationship it normally means other issues .

Show quote history

You have no idea what is going on in other people's relationships or lives.

farmlife2 · 02/02/2025 01:49

JoyousGreyOrca · 02/02/2025 01:45

@farmlife2 I agree. Women who have never had it think its is just about penetration.

For me, it probably is, but I'm younger and it's very mild.

It's an awful clash of older men taking a lot longer to finish too, while my body isn't up for that. They have their changes too.

I'm actually quite annoyed about Viagra. It's the only reason my DH is able to do it in the first place and it doesn't just die a natural death.

JoyousGreyOrca · 02/02/2025 01:45

@farmlife2 I agree. Women who have never had it think its is just about penetration.

farmlife2 · 02/02/2025 01:41

JoyousGreyOrca · 02/02/2025 01:27

Like vaginal atrophy and a lack of a libido?

Show quote history

People who haven't experienced atrophy, even mild, have no idea the havoc it can cause.

farmlife2 · 02/02/2025 01:40

Crazyworldmum · 02/02/2025 01:20

To be fair , lacking a sex life in a relationship it normally means other issues .

Show quote history

You're only in your 40s. Give it 5-10 years. Your hormones will change, your body will start changing. You don't know what that will mean for you individually.

JoyousGreyOrca · 02/02/2025 01:29

Some couples still have sex in their fifties and older, but a lot do not. Touch is still important though.

JoyousGreyOrca · 02/02/2025 01:27

Crazyworldmum · 02/02/2025 01:20

To be fair , lacking a sex life in a relationship it normally means other issues .

Show quote history

Like vaginal atrophy and a lack of a libido?

CarolinaWren · 02/02/2025 01:24

happydappy2 · 01/02/2025 21:28

This thread is fascinating. I think I read somewhere that a womans sexual desire tends to wane when her daughter is of an age to be sexually active. It's' almost as if nature has done its job in having the 1st woman procreate, produce a 2nd female who can then do the same....or maybe it's just the fact that after living with a man for 20 years women don't find them sexually attractive anymore?

More evidence that you shouldn't believe every random thing you see posted online.

Crazyworldmum · 02/02/2025 01:20

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 01/02/2025 23:51

Nobody is saying you are supposed to stop.

Many posters are saying you aren't supposed to stop and you should medical treatment if you don't want to have sex. There are some dreadful posts on this thread.

Show quote history

To be fair , lacking a sex life in a relationship it normally means other issues .

Pallisers · 02/02/2025 01:04

There is one middle aged couple I know who are very ‘active’. I only know because their friends and family all joke about it and it gives everyone the ick.

How on earth do people know about their sexual activity?? Do they tell them? How absolutely weird.

I'd have more than the ick if I felt friends and family knew about and joked about me having sex with my husband.

theduchessofspork · 02/02/2025 00:59

Late 40s. Still going fairly strong.

I’m sure it won’t be as frequent when I’m 75 but I hope it will still happen pretty regularly.

It has at times felt a bit like a core, but even then I felt better after (like going to the gym I guess)

I would explore ways to bring your libido up if I were you. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with deciding you CBA, but don’t think it’s compatible with being in a relationship

Screamingabdabz · 02/02/2025 00:53

Nosebooper · 02/02/2025 00:26

I agree with this. I don't know where all these MNetters are who are at it like rabbits, but from talking to my friends, nearly all of them, no, in fact all of them went off sex around when they became menopausal or peri. They say they wouldn't care if they never had sex again.

Show quote history

I think this is more the reality from my experience of talking to friends and family. Lots still do it for their husbands which I think is wrong but each to their own.

There is one middle aged couple I know who are very ‘active’. I only know because their friends and family all joke about it and it gives everyone the ick.

Emma6cat · 02/02/2025 00:51

Late 50's, love DH dearly but both of us no libido.

JoyousGreyOrca · 02/02/2025 00:38

MissJoGrant · 01/02/2025 17:27

Without being too graphic, there are other ways of having sex.

Show quote history

I do not think you understand vaginal atrophy. It is not just about penetration.

Littlemisscapable · 02/02/2025 00:33

Nosebooper · 02/02/2025 00:26

I agree with this. I don't know where all these MNetters are who are at it like rabbits, but from talking to my friends, nearly all of them, no, in fact all of them went off sex around when they became menopausal or peri. They say they wouldn't care if they never had sex again.

Show quote history

Yep 1000000% most of my friends post kids have absolutely no interest but going along with it with for dhs

Nosebooper · 02/02/2025 00:26

InDogweRust · 01/02/2025 17:28

I was chatting with friends about this only a few weeks ago. On here lots of people say they are still at it like rabbits in their 50s and later. In RL i have lots of friends who've said from early 40s/peri onwards, they just have very low libido and only have sex every few months. I make an effort about once a week, usually enjoy it etc but the drive is not there, i could easily without. I think a lot of women could.

I agree with this. I don't know where all these MNetters are who are at it like rabbits, but from talking to my friends, nearly all of them, no, in fact all of them went off sex around when they became menopausal or peri. They say they wouldn't care if they never had sex again.

BetterWithPockets · 02/02/2025 00:07

Kuretake · 01/02/2025 17:17

Interesting, I feel like this. Also mid 40s. I enjoy sex when we do it but I have no particular desire to ever. Don't know what happened

This is me except early 50s…

colleysmill · 01/02/2025 23:56

About 9 years ago - dh was early 40s I was mid 30s. Occasionally (once a year ish) we would, but now even less than that.

Used to really really bother me but you don't miss what you don't have. Rarely even think about it these days

Swipe left for the next trending thread