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Original poster

… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

368 replies

Thowawayname · 01/02/2025 16:59

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

OP posts:
DearDenimEagle · 02/02/2025 23:04

I left him in my late 60s. He was in his 70s but still active a couple of times a day..sometimes 3 but that seemed excessive. He did have gfs so I think he was trying to pretend I mattered and pretend he didn’t have energy for them. The last year, he initiated because I was planning my departure .

okaynotokay · 02/02/2025 22:57

WalkingWavy · 02/02/2025 22:00

I might be the youngest person to respond in the negative (haven’t read the entire thread) I’m 35, DP of 13 years is 46. He would probably be happy 2-3 times per week, whereas I have absolutely no desire whatsoever. If we never had sex again I’d be quite happy with that. But like previous posters I do have sex with him roughly once a week because I know he wants it. We have a great relationship otherwise and are generally happy people. I would never admit this to anyone IRL but I feel like MN is a safe space

I was looking for a similar comment. I'm 35 too! DH is approaching 40. He wants it but we've not had it for a year now. Even after my DC was born 4 years ago we didn't do it for a year and a half because I had excruciating pain down there (different story) which took more than a year to resolve and then my mental block. So in the last 4 years we've not done it more than 5 times put together.

kennycat · 02/02/2025 22:54

I’ve never been that bothered about sex tbh. Been married 16 years and still do it occasionally but in a very formulaic fashion as has always been. It can be once a Week or once a month. It’s never spontaneous or exciting. Feel like a chore although I do like the closeness when we actually do it. But I could go for ever without if I didn’t feel that was weird.

Butterfly292828 · 02/02/2025 22:42

Iceboy80- you sound as shallow as a pie dish!

farmlife2 · 02/02/2025 22:35

I have no idea if I've stopped really. My DH has ADHD and is a terrible communicator. I'm so tired of it all being on me to raise conversations and solve issues. Either he picks up the ball and communicates about sex, or it doesn't happen. I'm done being in charge of everything and can't be bothered. The sex is very average at best anyway.

Butterfly292828 · 02/02/2025 22:35

Use it or loose it I was told by my HRT nurse. My sex drive took a nose dive, HRT made not a blind bit of difference.

chargeitup · 02/02/2025 22:23

jjx111 · 02/02/2025 22:04

Around 50 for me. Dad with dementia, and autistic daughter. Add lockdown to the mix and I was so stressed/anxious that sex was the last thing I wanted do. We've left it do long now I doubt we will ever do it again, although lots of hugs/cuddles.

Is your dp ok with it?

jjx111 · 02/02/2025 22:04

Around 50 for me. Dad with dementia, and autistic daughter. Add lockdown to the mix and I was so stressed/anxious that sex was the last thing I wanted do. We've left it do long now I doubt we will ever do it again, although lots of hugs/cuddles.

WalkingWavy · 02/02/2025 22:00

I might be the youngest person to respond in the negative (haven’t read the entire thread) I’m 35, DP of 13 years is 46. He would probably be happy 2-3 times per week, whereas I have absolutely no desire whatsoever. If we never had sex again I’d be quite happy with that. But like previous posters I do have sex with him roughly once a week because I know he wants it. We have a great relationship otherwise and are generally happy people. I would never admit this to anyone IRL but I feel like MN is a safe space

Emanresu52 · 02/02/2025 21:22

@arcticpandas Same here, antidepressants for anxiety and panic disorder for over 20 years and now menopausal, I'm stone dead from the waist down! Partner masturbates alone and I truly believe I will never have sex again (weight gain also has put paid to the idea of getting naked). We are now 'friends' and I do worry he will leave me given the opportunity. I have never communicated this to him. I just can't broach the subject.

JoyousGreyOrca · 02/02/2025 21:21

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2025 20:59

Is there anything we can do to prevent it, apart from HRT?

Show quote history

No. It is chance.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2025 21:00

Bartoz · 02/02/2025 08:59

I also think there's a common misconception that men are generally more "sexual" or "horny" than women.

I think that's total rubbish. A woman is just as likely to want frequent good enjoyable sex than a man. Even a cursory look through the sex forum on this site (which is overwhelmingly female) shows that women are just as into sex and experimentation as men and are just as frustrated as all men supposedly are.

That forum is not a representative sample though. It's obviously self-selected.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2025 20:59

BIossomtoes · 02/02/2025 08:22

I agree too. Some of the posters on this thread are going to be horrified at some point in the future.

Show quote history

Is there anything we can do to prevent it, apart from HRT?

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2025 20:56

PermanentTemporary · 02/02/2025 06:30

For those posting that sex is about the chance of procreation, how do you explain gay sex and relationships?

There are plenty of theories online.
Here's the first link I found: The evolutionary puzzle of homosexuality - BBC News

Charles Darwin

The evolutionary puzzle of homosexuality

More and more people believe that gay sexuality is hereditary - but how does this idea fit with natural selection?

https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-26089486

BusyCaz · 02/02/2025 20:54

Iceboy80 · 02/02/2025 17:50

I'm a male in my mid 40s and I can guarantee two things if I were married (not that stupid) but if I were and it was to stop then the two things would be

1, I'd give her time to try and sort it out but if not I would divorce her.

2, Id completely switch off from the relationship, it would be as if we never were.

I would never cheat, I have morals but a man's connection to his partner is through sex if that's gone there really isn't a point, we're not there for the great conversation.

Reading this I don't think you will be at a rush to stop them hammering at your door.

DaringFinch · 02/02/2025 20:31

Vaginal atrophy has stopped ours since I was about 50. It's too painful. Have tried various treatments but none worked. Luckily my husband is understanding.

SailingYachty · 02/02/2025 20:19

I’m not bothered at all at 40, by the time the kids are in bed I’m knackered and just want to watch tv and go to sleep! Have also been through cancer this year, wasn’t that bothered about sex before that, but I’m even less interested now. I don’t feel very attractive since I lost my hair and am now overweight but mostly I am exhausted all the time from work and kids, don’t have the headspace for anything else.

lul37 · 02/02/2025 20:19

Am 43 and we stopped almost 5 years ago...
Hoping it will come back @BerryMummypudding and others said it might, but doesn't look like it from here. We have been thru many stressful life situations, have two teenage DC, and sleep in separate bedrooms.
For me, I know it's purely psychological and I feel neglected, even though I have told DH that foreplay isn't just for the bedroom, but he didn't get it. Or maybe doesn't want to?
I also suggested we go to couples counseling but he also doesn't seem interested. So I just DIY...

Buddhalover · 02/02/2025 20:18

It was late 60's for us, not my choice. We moved into separate rooms (supposedly temporarily) due to my health issues, but he never returned. During that time we just grew further apart obviously physically, but also emotionally, (which incidentally had never been great). I am resigned to it now. but do miss sex. I don't think it bothers him now. Back in the day, although we weren't emotionally great together, we did enjoy sex together. Bit of a contradiction really, considering it's supposed to be an emotional connection for the woman.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2025 20:11

LizzieSiddal · 01/02/2025 21:26

No she does not need to see her GP, unless she feels she wants too.
It makes me feel really uncomfortable when people (mainly women) are told they need to medicalise themselves inorder to perform sex when they don’t want to!

Show quote history

I wouldn't say it's mainly women. Sales of Viagra are huge!

OvertheHillandUndertheInfluence · 02/02/2025 20:10

I’m 66 and we still have regular sex. It’s a lot easier once the children have grown up and left home - and you no longer have to worry about birth control. Granted, we’re both pretty athletic, but it’s not essential. It’s not as spontaneous as it once was, due to the fact that DH pops a little blue pill first that can take half an hour to kick in, but another advantage of being quite old is that prescriptions are free!

JoyousGreyOrca · 02/02/2025 20:08

Ingles2 · 02/02/2025 18:42

Why can't you have HRT? There are lots of different options including options if there is a family history of breast cancer. I think it sounds like you need Testosterone so I really think you should go and explain to your GP you have entirely lost your libido. But for context, I'm mid 50's, dh is late 60's and we have sex as often as we can.

Seriously I hate people pushing HRT. Lots of women for health reasons are advised not to have HRT. You should not be advising women to ignore their Drs

Somethingsnapped · 02/02/2025 20:06

I'm 49, and my libido is totally tied up with my monthly cycles. We have sex about 4 or 5 times a month, but actually it is all in about a 10 day window, after period ends and before ovulation. After that my sex drive goes down quickly, and then there is a week when I'm premenstrual when I don't even like being touched very much. No sign yet of peri, but I'm not sure what will happen to my libido after my periods stop. I'm a bit worried to be honest, as it's an important part of our relationship.

DilemmaDelilah · 02/02/2025 19:50

I can tell you the exact month and year DH last had sex. We were just about to move into our first (bought) house and were spending all our time and energy doing it up. DH was about to be diagnosed with diabetes and was having some problems with ED. I had some health problems of my own - basically we haven't had sex since we moved in to this house 12 1/2 years ago. We still have a very close and loving relationship though. I missed it to begin with but don't any more, and I'm pretty sure that DH isn't that bothered. As long as we still show each other we love each other we are happy. We're both getting on a bit - and were definitely at least 10 years older than you when we stopped.

Missj25 · 02/02/2025 19:48

Sorry OP you are going to see a therapist..