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AIBU?

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Original poster

… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

368 replies

Thowawayname · 01/02/2025 16:59

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

OP posts:
Ilovelowry · 04/02/2025 11:28

onwardsup4 · 03/02/2025 22:59

Love it, hope at last! Googles Gillian Anderson book...

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Good. Hope it helps!

I had never heard of VA until I had it. Awful symptom of aging.

onwardsup4 · 04/02/2025 11:13

😂 @WoolySnail lasting forever god no I'm with you on that one

DragonFly98 · 04/02/2025 10:52

FortWalton · 01/02/2025 17:06

Vaginal atrophy ended my sex life in my early 60s. Even with treatment it was just too painful. However, in all honesty I lost interest in peri a good ten years before.

DH is still up for it and I do feel I am letting him down, but it isn't going to happen.

Sex isn’t just PIV though so you are not letting him down no loving husband would ever want you to be in pain.

Blondiebeachbabe · 04/02/2025 10:48

This doesn't sound right at all.

I'm 55 and DH is 52. Still sexually active. My libido went down a bit, but is still very much alive and well. See your GP.

Butterfly292828 · 04/02/2025 10:46

MB34 · 03/02/2025 22:16

I still have my womb. The "accidental" testosterone I got from a private consultant and when I saw an NHS consultant, he let me stay on it but in a different form.

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I’ll look into that 👍🏻😊

Butterfly292828 · 04/02/2025 10:41

onwardsup4 · 03/02/2025 22:59

Love it, hope at last! Googles Gillian Anderson book...

Show quote history

I certainly will look into that 👍🏻😊

HollyCanDoAnything · 04/02/2025 09:45

@Nain5
"Boots do any excellent one at a reasonable price bluey green bottle"

Could you let me know what it's called. I had a look at the website, but nothing in a bluey green bottle. I've been happy with Yes VM for a while now but it's now just started to get mildly stingy.

Spanielsaremad · 04/02/2025 06:08

farmlife2 · 04/02/2025 03:54

It's important for women to be aware of these things. If no-one talks about them, we have no idea what is happening. I wish someone had informed me about these things.

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DH is 57 and definitely doesn't have this issue. I've never heard of it happening.

farmlife2 · 04/02/2025 03:54

winfongdown · 04/02/2025 00:59

"
The problem with lube is it makes the men last even longer - which is already problematic as they already last longer as they age, right as it gets harder for our bodies to handle that. Darned if you do, darned if you don't."

Again - what have I just read? It's like a time warp 🤷‍♀️

It's important for women to be aware of these things. If no-one talks about them, we have no idea what is happening. I wish someone had informed me about these things.

winfongdown · 04/02/2025 00:59

"
The problem with lube is it makes the men last even longer - which is already problematic as they already last longer as they age, right as it gets harder for our bodies to handle that. Darned if you do, darned if you don't."

Again - what have I just read? It's like a time warp 🤷‍♀️

onwardsup4 · 03/02/2025 22:59

Ilovelowry · 01/02/2025 17:43

I thought I'd totally lost interest. And then two years into HRT and a year after starting Testosterone AND after prolpase surgery, I found I could barely think about anything else. Bought new underwear, got the new Gillian Anderson book.

So I'm now 47 and want sex like I did when I was 25. I'm more surprised than you can imagine.

If you can't have oestrogen surely you can have testosterone or Addie (sp incorrect) and vaginal oestrogen?

Love it, hope at last! Googles Gillian Anderson book...

3luckystars · 03/02/2025 22:40

yes you can absolutely get testosterone as part of hrt. You have to get a blood test after a few weeks to make sure you are not getting too much of it.

I got it and am still having periods. Nothing accidental about it. It works too!!!

MB34 · 03/02/2025 22:16

Butterfly292828 · 03/02/2025 20:15

Ha where do I get that (but seriously can you take that if you have womb?) I seem to think HRT nurse said no to me as I hadn’t had an hysterectomy.

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I still have my womb. The "accidental" testosterone I got from a private consultant and when I saw an NHS consultant, he let me stay on it but in a different form.

JudithOx · 03/02/2025 22:16

Iceboy80 · 02/02/2025 17:50

I'm a male in my mid 40s and I can guarantee two things if I were married (not that stupid) but if I were and it was to stop then the two things would be

1, I'd give her time to try and sort it out but if not I would divorce her.

2, Id completely switch off from the relationship, it would be as if we never were.

I would never cheat, I have morals but a man's connection to his partner is through sex if that's gone there really isn't a point, we're not there for the great conversation.

Don't worry mate, I'm sure no woman would be with you for your great conversation.

northwestgirl · 03/02/2025 21:51

Iceboy80 · 02/02/2025 17:50

I'm a male in my mid 40s and I can guarantee two things if I were married (not that stupid) but if I were and it was to stop then the two things would be

1, I'd give her time to try and sort it out but if not I would divorce her.

2, Id completely switch off from the relationship, it would be as if we never were.

I would never cheat, I have morals but a man's connection to his partner is through sex if that's gone there really isn't a point, we're not there for the great conversation.

thank you for being so frank
probably a good thing you aren't married

WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 21:03

farmlife2 · 03/02/2025 20:57

It's still a good suggestion. It will work for some people. I remember my mother joking about older men lasting forever. My DH is late 50s and it's proved true for him. The men definitely have their own potential issues as they age.

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I must admit I've found it very helpful when in the mood but it's just not happening. I think it depends in my cycle where I am. Didn't realise I had lasting forever to look forward to as well 😬

farmlife2 · 03/02/2025 20:57

WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 20:36

Oh I didn't realise that, that's never happened with my dh. I guess it just shows everyone is different and my advice isn't helpful for everyone x

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It's still a good suggestion. It will work for some people. I remember my mother joking about older men lasting forever. My DH is late 50s and it's proved true for him. The men definitely have their own potential issues as they age.

Butterfly292828 · 03/02/2025 20:55

farmlife2 · 03/02/2025 20:35

You can take HRT if you have a uterus but you absolutely must take progesterone with it for the second half of your cycle. That prevents thickening and uterine cancer.

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Hi yes I take combined HRT, my womb is slightly thicker. I meant testosterone!

WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 20:36

farmlife2 · 03/02/2025 20:34

The problem with lube is it makes the men last even longer - which is already problematic as they already last longer as they age, right as it gets harder for our bodies to handle that. Darned if you do, darned if you don't.

Show quote history

Oh I didn't realise that, that's never happened with my dh. I guess it just shows everyone is different and my advice isn't helpful for everyone x

farmlife2 · 03/02/2025 20:35

Butterfly292828 · 03/02/2025 20:15

Ha where do I get that (but seriously can you take that if you have womb?) I seem to think HRT nurse said no to me as I hadn’t had an hysterectomy.

Show quote history

You can take HRT if you have a uterus but you absolutely must take progesterone with it for the second half of your cycle. That prevents thickening and uterine cancer.

farmlife2 · 03/02/2025 20:34

WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 13:11

Hope this doesn't sound patronising because its not intended to be, but have you tried different types (some work better depending on each person) of lube? It made things so much easier for me and I wish we'd used it sooner. Please ignore if not relevant x

Show quote history

The problem with lube is it makes the men last even longer - which is already problematic as they already last longer as they age, right as it gets harder for our bodies to handle that. Darned if you do, darned if you don't.

Butterfly292828 · 03/02/2025 20:15

MB34 · 03/02/2025 01:09

I lost my libido late 30s/early 40s. I was at a point that even looking at the word sex made me want to vomit, nevermind looking at or touching a naked man! There's no way I could have done it with my DH "because I know how much it means to him" - I couldn't have feigned even an ounce of enthusiasm and my DH wouldn't have wanted to do it with someone who felt like that. I would have felt violated.

I'd been to my drs about peri symptoms (never mentioned libido as I never wanted sex again) but was deemed too young to be perimenopausal. At 45 I was deemed old enough and was given HRT. I felt horrific on estrogen and progesterone.
It was only when I accidentally got given testosterone a year later, that I realised what I'd been missing. I was like a teenage boy - I needed sex twice a day! So much happier, hornier and more energy. My libido has (thankfully) tapered off a bit since I've changed form but I still want sex. Even just reading this thread makes me want it so I'm totally a different person now!

Ha where do I get that (but seriously can you take that if you have womb?) I seem to think HRT nurse said no to me as I hadn’t had an hysterectomy.

winfongdown · 03/02/2025 14:55

How can you say people are saying this for normality ? You have no idea 😂

Chezgb · 03/02/2025 14:25

Didn't say that they had..... but there are a lot of postings saying how many times etc etc, as if this is done to prove normality. As said, intimacy is a private, personal thing not a box ticking exercise.

winfongdown · 03/02/2025 13:57

@Chezgb

"I was told years ago that intimacy should only be spoken about openly between you and your partner. "

You are criticising others for perhaps taking on board others' opinions / views on sex but you have done exactly the same ( which you are free to do of course) but you can't pick and choose!