… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

Well I'm late 50's and have never lost interest and still have a very healthy sex life

OP I’m 41 and been with DH for 7 years, we have a preschooler.We’ve had dry spells obviously and we’re knackered but we now make the effort to do it about once a week even if we’d rather just go to sleep because we know we ‘should’ (intimacy, connection etc) and we always both enjoy it. When it goes on too long in between shags we both do get antsy.

I agree. It's a little disconcerting that so many posters can't seem to understand this.

What do you mean by greatly decreased? I mean there’s a big spectrum of sex drives, but every 30 odd year old I’ve met still had a pretty big drive. No they might not be doing it 5 times in a row like a 17 year old, but if they are barely interested (and they used to be) a trip to the GP is warranted I think.

I’m 56. I’ve been married to DH for well over 30 years. Only time we stopped having sex so much was when each of the children were very small and I was sore and exhausted. Sex life is very much alive and kicking.

OP you are very young to have no libido…

Women's experiences are different at the same age, their bodies are different., they'll tell you different things.

Humans over a certain age are past their reproductive years and their bodies are just playing out that natural cycle. Women lose sexual desire and experience genital changes, men lose the ability to have firm erections etc. Loving bonds remain and historically lots of couples would have gradually replaced sex with different and new experiences individually and together as a family.

This is now poorly tolerated in the West - at least on a social and cultural level. People are meant to be having sex into their 60s, 70s, 80s even. Women receive so much pressure to be performing sex in their post-menopausal years even when they have no desire to or can no longer orgasm. Instead of a new chapter, they have to keep on pursuing this sexual phase and to feel a failure for not doing so. HRT has become a reason for women not to retire sexually, even though HRT doesn't necessarily restore libido. HRT's health risks are often explained as a population-level statistic (low) when an individial woman's personal risk could be quite a bit higher - nevertheless HRT is becoming normalised.

A while ago on Mumsnet a woman posted to ask if it was acceptable she stop having sex with her husband post menopause and some of the responses were eye-opening - her husband was, in some other women's view, entitled to leave because this was not what he had signed up for. So there's an implicit threat there.

I've got no personal skin in this game, thankfully, but am professionally interested in this new shock that older people might not have sex. My opinion OP, for what little it's worth, is that you should do what you think is best, for your own body and mental peace, and if you don't want to dose yourself up, or smear hormone creams on yourself or masturbate someone else as a household chore then you might gather your courage and re-evaluate. Lots of people will be gradually quitting sex as they get older, but they're more shy of saying so now.

I had a gynae cancer 5 years ago when I was 47 and I can't have any HRT apart from Vagifem. My libido since than has been virtually non existent but I make an effort for DH because it's important to him and I love him. We've been together over 30 years and I can never see myself being with anyone else.

Not my experience.
Certainly didn’t want sex when still with my nasty ex- but just not with him.

About a year after we split I remember looking at a work colleague and thinking … well have a guess.

Now with someone new, both early fifties I enjoy it with him. We don’t live together and probably only average twice a month but that is driven by logistics not desire.

Well I'm very happy to have an 'immature' husband in his mid-forties then. I'm nearly 40 myself. We have four kids, teens down to toddler. We both have high sex drives and we're both very happy with that. I can't see it changing... he's the love of my life and the sex is amazing. I don't recognise a lot of the sentiments expressed on here. Shows how very different we all are, and how the key seems to be whether a couple matches up or not in their desire to have sex (or lack of).

57 and 58 here still going strong after 40 years and both still enjoying it

49 and 47

Very true. I felt done with sex in my early 40s with my ex, but that was primarily to a lack of substantial emotional connection and his poor skills/willingness to put in the work in bed.

With my now long-term partner (49 & 50), it's fantastic and I hope our 2-4 times per week pattern continues indefinitely.

@whycantibeselfishforonce you can definitely have vaginal oestrogen cream after BC. Louise Newson and Kelly Casperson are very vocal about this.

But totally understand on the T and O.

I think in a long term relationship, a woman shouldn't feel like a sexual object just because her husband fancies her.

I agree. Unless of course both partners agree they don't want it any more!

I know if I sometimes don't fancy it but just go with it I then end up really enjoying it and feel so much closer to dh. His libido has naturally dropped a bit now he's in his 50's - in his 30's and 40's he was a bit of a sex pest tbh and it was difficult when the dc's were young bc I was knackered all the time - but now he's not as rampant it actually makes me feel a bit miffed sometimes! I'd be so upset if he started not wanting it at all.

Totally agree. It'd be like if your dh served up a spam fritter and one boiled potato every night for tea you'd soon lose your desire for his meals.

It's got be nurtured and it's got to be good. On both sides.

Not if you're a BC survivor or at risk of BC. Not much you can do which is very sad!

Libido is a misused and largely misunderstood term. It's a catch all phrase that's so cliched it has no practical meaning.

As a comedian said "put a woman with a low libido on a desert island with Brad Pitt and see how she reacts" (insert man and Cindy Crawford for the same point).

Sexual desire in a relationship needs to be nurtured. It's a consequence of psychological intimacy. Each partner in the relationship has equal responsibility to ensure it's maintained. You can't just unilaterally step back without doing serious damage to the other person and the relationship.

I think it's natural in a long term relationship, over 25 years, the passion goes. Women are not made the same as men, our libido does reduce....sex is not as important (for some of us) The most important thing is to be faithful, loving & stay connected IMHO. When I was younger I could not imagine not wanting sex but I now feel quite happy not being a sexual object....

Truest words ever spoken 🙌

Also, tbh you don't necessarily need a libido all day every day. Not saying anyone should have sex against their will <obviously> but if you love your partner that is usually a good starting point.
I think some men are just crap in bed so their spouses get turned off by their hapless fumblings. Take control and show him what you like op.

I'm mid 40's dh mid 50's and we still have an active sex life. There have been peaks and troughs obviously over the years with having dc's and work stress but I don't think we've ever gone longer than a few weeks in 20 years.

We are still strongly attracted to one another though and I think when that goes it hard to force yourself to be into it. I know quite a few of my friends don't do it very often. It has lead to a couple of affairs and divorces on their dh's part though.

If I shut up shop at this point I don't think dh would cope well at all.

49 with two small children. No libido. Feel totally uncomfortable in my bloated perimenopausal body and not at all desirable or sexy. Sad to think that I used to read Anais Nin and My Secret Garden as a student…that all feels like whole other life, which it is.

With all due respect you need to do the following -

1. talk through the issue with your partner openly and honestly;
2. go see a medical specialist and seek help.

Please don't stick your head in the sand and hope for the best.

@Janiie
I agree totally. I also think that for a lot of people "loss of libido" is a convenient excuse to remove themselves from the intimate relationship.

It's like "I now have the perfect excuse to sit back and do nothing and can't be blamed cos you know, I've lost my libido".

Than something happens (usually a 3rd party or the other person just gets fed up and disengages completely) and suddenly it's "I can't believe X did that to me after 20 years of marriage"!