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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hesitant to move in with partner and adult children?

256 replies

Abby23 · 26/01/2025 23:15

hi and thx for listening. Sorry for long post.,I really need balanced advise here..

been with my partner a few years now. We are both in our mid and late 50’s. We are v happy and we both have reasonably decent jobs. We are getting married in the summer. We have both been single parents for long periods of time, Up until now, we have maintained separate homes and see each other most weekends and go on family trips together. We all generally get on.

my kids are 13 and 30. 30 yo lives on his own and has done since a few years after uni. So I live alone with my young teenage daughter.

his kids are 29, 25 & 17. All live at home. I must add they are lovely kids and they do adore me and vv.

all kids get on…

partner and I are about to buy a house. He wants to get a 5-6 bed to accommodate all kids. I’m not so sure. I’m happy to live with him and our teenagers but that’s it. Besides, the strive to get a larger house will be a stretch on finances which I think will affect me too,

Am I being unreasonable?. Am I being selfish?.

the truth is I do not want to live with his adult kids. I feel it might strain the relationship, I want to be the woman of my house. his eldest is a female and is currently the madam of their household and is used to doing things her way, for example I will certainly feel uncomfortable to tell her to do dishes if she leaves them in the sink etc

both older kids are working. The oldest one has a professional job. No 2 finished his masters 2 years ago and is still seeking a grad job but is working non the less.

i have expressed my concerns to DH. He wants them to live with us but says that if they don't want to, its fine. He is financially responsible for them and as far as I know and he pays all the bills. He feels that I should not have any worries. After all, it is his house and if they don’t like his decisions, they should be free to fend for themselves. He feels that if they are under his roof, then they have to play by his rules ie he does not see them as adults if they still live with him.

It’s so complicated that I might just keep the relationship as is. I don’t want to cause any rifts. Plus he comes from a culture where kids never leave home unless they decide to themselves or get married.

any advise please? Thank you

OP posts:
ScaredOfDinosaurs · 27/01/2025 08:41

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 00:05

To answer some questions…

mortgage is likely to be in my name alone with him providing the bulk of the deposit. The mortgage payments and bills will be split between us.

I’ve made up mind anyway. I can’t do it. He can live with his adult kids for as long as he wants. It feels an unfair deal for me. My adult child is v independent and will not dream of living with me!

my young daughter does like my partners kids. They treat her like a little sister, they all do get on like a house on fire.

I just don’t think I can deal with living with other adults long term,

Edited

What the fuck, why would you pay the entire mortgage?

That's so ridiculous it's laughable

So glad you're deciding to not do this.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/01/2025 08:35

Stay as you are for now, don't get married without having lived together first.

Original poster
Abby23 · 27/01/2025 08:33

Thank you for all the comments.

more clarifications based on a few questions from you

He won’t move into my house. We have discussed this. I said, if he wants a large house, he needs to buy it solo, I will keep mine and we will see how this unfolds. But I won’t be living with his grown kids.

Partner has explained to me that his credit is not great hence the suggestion I take out the mortgage.

We are both professionals. Whilst we both earn 6 figures separately - he earns considerably more , I manage my finances well and work as an employee in a multi national- have done for decades. He on the other hand has been a contractor for many years with questionable savings/pension provision,. My money is split 2 ways between my daughter and I, his is split 4 ways..,

I did mention that he does come from a culture where children don’t leave home till marriage. I am not from such a culture. My adult child started paying for his keep as soon as he returned from uni.,, he paid small amounts but still paid something,

He is quite an old school male. He is very generous and sees all our kids including me as his responsibility. Over Xmas, all 6 of us went on holiday to the states. He paid for everything even though I insisted to pay my way. ( he offered to pay for my adult child who politely refused - he has his own life)..On getting there, DP had run out of money and asked to borrow some off me. I gave him and he has since paid back. However, this tells me that if we do get a place together, that will be the story…, I envisage months where he might ask me to pay and he will reimburse due his extra spending.plus I will be subsidising his kids. sorry, I digress… just painting the picture…

He has said he has embarked on a separate business venture to secure our retirement and a lot of his funds are poured in there. I hope this works but I have no business in investing in this venture even though he has asked if i want to .

I will be seeing a lawyer to protect my small assets asap.

I must sound like a selfish so and so. But I’m cautious. I’m also super risk averse. Alll I ever wanted was love and companionship.. And to those asking why I want to get married in the first place…. We do love each other v deeply plus I’ve never been married. My fiancé died before we were due to marry. My partner on the other hand is divorced. Has been for over 15 years.

OP posts:
SnoopysHoose · 27/01/2025 08:31

Glad you're staying out, have to ask, have you pointed out he expects you to take out a huge mortgage and have 2 working adults not contribute is an absolute cheek?
Are these two spongers even saving to move out?

TinyMouseTheatre · 27/01/2025 08:22

mortgage is likely to be in my name alone with him providing the bulk of the deposit. The mortgage payments and bills will be split between us

Your DP is a cheeky fucker and I'm glad that you've seen sense.

The fact that he's expecting the Mortgage to be entirely in your name and you to pay towards mortgage and bills to house his adult children. Well, not only woukd I laugh but I don't think I could still feel the sane way about him at all.

He basically wants you to bankroll his adult DC choice to still live at home. If he can no longer afford to keep them, he should talk to them about moving out not get you to pay for their housing and bills.

And I personally wouldn't be taking on a new mortgage in my fifties unless I really, really had to.

I've seen too many people do it, have something happen and end up losing everything.

scoobs321 · 27/01/2025 08:19

I nearly did what you are contemplating, it was a disaster. My kids had flown the nest apart from youngest who had gone to Uni and I was in the process of selling my house. I moved in with him and his 2 adult sons (1 working at 25 yrs 1 had never at 23 yrs). I lasted less than a week before I came home, took my house off the market and stayed put.

By that time I'd given up my job, downsized alot of possessions. The relationship survived / we are still together but, his kids still haven't left home, they are now 28/25.

I can't tell you how relieved I am that I came home. I've got my old job back, love living on my own with weekend DP. We've been together 13 years. I doubt things will change until we retire (we are 55) I don't think his kids will ever voluntarily leave home.

So yes, stay put, don't get married until you are both free of your respective children. In his case that may be never unfortunately.

HelloCheekyCat · 27/01/2025 08:19

What happens if you get married and one of you dies? Surely as spouses you'd inherit the other's house which could get very messy with the DC still.living there. would you want him to inherit your house rather than your DC?
Why get married at all????

Blue278 · 27/01/2025 08:11

Why are you getting married when you’re both happy now?
Get married if you want but don’t move in together yet. When you do you need to combine finances equally. Buy somewhere small half each. If there’s money left over that can be used to help the children launch.
If you move in with all the young adults then anything negative about the move will be attributed to you coming along and upsetting the status quo.

I can see how this works for him. He gets to upgrade his housing, keep his DC close, move his woman in. No cost to him. Can’t blame him but you need to be selfish when considering a marriage at your stage of life. (And protect your DD).

saraclara · 27/01/2025 07:59

I’ve also thought that if we were to split in the future, I will be left with an unaffordable mortgage in my name…

As soon as I saw that the mortgage would solely be in your name, I wanted to scream at you. That would be insane! Especially with three adults who wouldn't even be paying rent towards it.

I can't believe that you even considered this.

Twaddlepip · 27/01/2025 07:58

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 00:40

@2JFDIYOLO thank you.. adult kids won’t pay anything, partner treats them like kids. He feels that as they live under his roof, they have to play by his rules.

I’ve also thought that if we were to split in the future, I will be left with an unaffordable mortgage in my name…

it’s a no from me.,,

Thank god. It would be awful for you, but especially for your daughter.

EmoIsntDead · 27/01/2025 07:36

To answer some questions…
mortgage is likely to be in my name alone with him providing the bulk of the deposit

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/01/2025 07:32

He feels that as they live under his roof, they have to play by his rules.

I’d be a bit worried about this tbh, yes I can see “my house, my rules” for young people transitioning to adulthood but for adults 25+ it strikes me as controlling. What happens when you live under his roof? Are you happy for your daughter to live with a controlling adult?

bomalan · 27/01/2025 07:31

It's a no from me.
I would carry on as you are

stillstormy · 27/01/2025 07:29

You must be mad to have even considered it.

BruceAndNosh · 27/01/2025 07:25

LAMPS1 · 27/01/2025 07:14

OP, I’m glad you have made your decision to stay put.

In your shoes, I would object strongly to his view that he continues to pay everything for his adult dc still living at home especially if they are working.
This set-up has clearly enabled them to come to rely on him financially and has therefore prevented them from becoming independent at the time when it was most natural to want to spread their wings and move out. To me, this means he is both thwarting their chances at happy lives and also controlling them. He openly admits….his house his rules and regards them as young children. It isn’t even a house share if they aren’t paying their way. He’s an obstacle to their growth and development.
It’s a strange, rather chilling idea of his, to me.

Please don’t do this, but what would he say if you asked him to move in with you and your young DD where it’s your house and your rules? Was that ever considered or thrown up as an idea.

i think you would be wise to keep your outgoings as low as possible and very firmly in your own control.
I certainly wouldn’t marry him. I wouldn’t burden myself with extra unknown or untested expenses and house keeping and anxiety and risk. It’s not a way to minimise your worries, it’s a way to increase your worries.
He wants you to take on a massive mortgage in your name only. Really?

i wouldn’t ever share his current weird views or expectations. It’s surprising you haven’t debated them before now.
Keep your well-earned independence OP.
Put yourself and your own little girl first.

Yep. He (alone) can move into YOUR house, and leave his kids in his house. With them paying the bills!

Onlystayingforhalfanhour543 · 27/01/2025 07:20

user1492757084 · 27/01/2025 02:00

Stay living as you are for another five years.

If anything, invest in a two bedroom place for you both to call home in your retirement. It will be a wonderful break; a holiday when you stay there..
You can rent it out when you are not there and it will be a way of not muddying the ownership of your current homes.

This is a great idea!

LAMPS1 · 27/01/2025 07:14

OP, I’m glad you have made your decision to stay put.

In your shoes, I would object strongly to his view that he continues to pay everything for his adult dc still living at home especially if they are working.
This set-up has clearly enabled them to come to rely on him financially and has therefore prevented them from becoming independent at the time when it was most natural to want to spread their wings and move out. To me, this means he is both thwarting their chances at happy lives and also controlling them. He openly admits….his house his rules and regards them as young children. It isn’t even a house share if they aren’t paying their way. He’s an obstacle to their growth and development.
It’s a strange, rather chilling idea of his, to me.

Please don’t do this, but what would he say if you asked him to move in with you and your young DD where it’s your house and your rules? Was that ever considered or thrown up as an idea.

i think you would be wise to keep your outgoings as low as possible and very firmly in your own control.
I certainly wouldn’t marry him. I wouldn’t burden myself with extra unknown or untested expenses and house keeping and anxiety and risk. It’s not a way to minimise your worries, it’s a way to increase your worries.
He wants you to take on a massive mortgage in your name only. Really?

i wouldn’t ever share his current weird views or expectations. It’s surprising you haven’t debated them before now.
Keep your well-earned independence OP.
Put yourself and your own little girl first.

Winterskyfall · 27/01/2025 06:58

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 00:40

@2JFDIYOLO thank you.. adult kids won’t pay anything, partner treats them like kids. He feels that as they live under his roof, they have to play by his rules.

I’ve also thought that if we were to split in the future, I will be left with an unaffordable mortgage in my name…

it’s a no from me.,,

That's what I was thinking. You'd be taking financial security and throwing it away for a giant mortgage that you don't want, for a house you don't want to home people you don't want to live with. Madness. Make sure if you do get married your assets are protected for your children. His attitude to your money concerns me.

jeaux90 · 27/01/2025 06:48

OP my partner and I have been together 5 years.

We waited.

My DD15 is doing GCSE this year and his son is second year Uni.

After the summer we will be buying together and moving in.

Honestly I am also not sure why you are marrying. You should protect the assets you have to be inherited by your DC and not stretch yourself with a silly large mortgage.

You are making the right choice to wait, especially for your DD but also you, but I'm not clear on why you'd need to get married.

Winterskyfall · 27/01/2025 06:46

Honestly I would carry on as you are in your separate houses where everything is working and you are both happy and not move in together.

NameChangedOfc · 27/01/2025 06:37

Finedandydodah · 26/01/2025 23:23

No no no.

You'll end up cooking and cleaning for all. Or worse still it will become a battle ground between you and the adult children.

Keep things as they are. Keep your independence and way of life for your DD. That's an incredible amount of change for anyone to deal with and she is still very young.

I totally agree with this: your DD must be your top priority, especially at her age! Very bad decision to move now, let alone with this situation.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/01/2025 06:26

I wouldn't move in this scenario and I wouldn't get married either. Suggest you maintain the status quo for the moment and if things change in the future and the older children move out you can consider marriage then. Be clear about your expectations. If he is serious about marrying you it might help him to see that the older children need to move out and he needs to be proactive with this.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 27/01/2025 06:08

No, your daughter needs space to do GCSE not chaos and an unhappy mother.

WafflesRMine · 27/01/2025 05:55

I am so glad OP won't be moving in with the family. You will essentially be paying the mortgage and bills split while there are 3 other adults there. Ridiculous. I would be so happy in a little house with just my child where I am at no one's beck and call. What happens to any joint property bought in future if something should happen to him? will his share be willed to his kids? Don't ever enter into a joint property purchase with this man. Keep your life simple and keep your money. a small property is good and easy and cheaper maintenance. trust me on that. I moved from a 3668 sqf. with a huge private lift lobby and huge balcony to a 1668 sqf. apartment and I am so much happier.

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/01/2025 05:46

OnlyWhenILaugh · 26/01/2025 23:25

You have fundamentally different attitudes to family life and expectations. Seems a precarious basis for a marriage.

I'm not sure how you get to within a few months of your wedding without having clarified this.

My response would be leave things as they are.

Sounds like you're not on the same page. And starting your married life by issuing an eviction notice is probably not the way to go.

This.

Abandon or postpone the marriage.

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