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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hesitant to move in with partner and adult children?

256 replies

Abby23 · 26/01/2025 23:15

hi and thx for listening. Sorry for long post.,I really need balanced advise here..

been with my partner a few years now. We are both in our mid and late 50’s. We are v happy and we both have reasonably decent jobs. We are getting married in the summer. We have both been single parents for long periods of time, Up until now, we have maintained separate homes and see each other most weekends and go on family trips together. We all generally get on.

my kids are 13 and 30. 30 yo lives on his own and has done since a few years after uni. So I live alone with my young teenage daughter.

his kids are 29, 25 & 17. All live at home. I must add they are lovely kids and they do adore me and vv.

all kids get on…

partner and I are about to buy a house. He wants to get a 5-6 bed to accommodate all kids. I’m not so sure. I’m happy to live with him and our teenagers but that’s it. Besides, the strive to get a larger house will be a stretch on finances which I think will affect me too,

Am I being unreasonable?. Am I being selfish?.

the truth is I do not want to live with his adult kids. I feel it might strain the relationship, I want to be the woman of my house. his eldest is a female and is currently the madam of their household and is used to doing things her way, for example I will certainly feel uncomfortable to tell her to do dishes if she leaves them in the sink etc

both older kids are working. The oldest one has a professional job. No 2 finished his masters 2 years ago and is still seeking a grad job but is working non the less.

i have expressed my concerns to DH. He wants them to live with us but says that if they don't want to, its fine. He is financially responsible for them and as far as I know and he pays all the bills. He feels that I should not have any worries. After all, it is his house and if they don’t like his decisions, they should be free to fend for themselves. He feels that if they are under his roof, then they have to play by his rules ie he does not see them as adults if they still live with him.

It’s so complicated that I might just keep the relationship as is. I don’t want to cause any rifts. Plus he comes from a culture where kids never leave home unless they decide to themselves or get married.

any advise please? Thank you

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 28/01/2025 22:09

The more you write about these people, the more I think you've had a lucky escape.

Of course you don't want to live with other adults. I wouldn't either. I did all that when I was a student.

Apart from so-called "D"P spectacularly missing the point, what I don't get is why would adults approaching 30 want to live with their dad's partner and her teenager? Hmm

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 28/01/2025 21:50

Nope
I would stay with your daughter in your home & he can stay in his home with his kids.

It's a recipe for disaster, with resentment all round.

Original poster
Abby23 · 28/01/2025 21:46

@Mnetcurious he has so missed the point. He has now proceeded to tell his oldest child about me not wanting to live with them. Apparently he said she is offended and hurt as she thought I liked her!

That is not the point as I do like her v much.Is he refusing to acknowledge the point?. Or is he being deliberately dumb?

OP posts:
Mnetcurious · 28/01/2025 21:31

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 14:48

Thanks all. Well we have just had a big bust up. In a nutshell. I told him I am uncomfortable with moving in with his adult children. He said I have nothing to worry about as the kids love me. He said his children are part of him and that the relationship is over if that’s my stance. I said that’s fine.

put my phone down and reflected that if he can’t be reasonable or listen to my concerns, are we even suited?
what a Monday!

“ told him I am uncomfortable with moving in with his adult children. He said I have nothing to worry about as the kids love me”

He’s missed the point. You don’t want to live with other adults, it’s nothing to do with whether you get along - you can love people and enjoy spending time with them but still not want to live with them!

That’s before you even get to the financial aspect that you’ll be in one way or another contributing to the upkeep of multiple people in their mid-late 20s who should be paying their own way.

Original poster
Abby23 · 28/01/2025 21:21

@Bleachbum yes he owns his property. A 5 bed.

OP posts:
Nantescalling · 28/01/2025 12:08

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/01/2025 12:03

Getting married to a man with poor credit, who we already know is flaky with cashflow and who is subsidising FULLY his three adult children?

That's madness. She would get nothing from the arrangement but potential liabilities.

Show quote history

I didn't catch that he had a money problem, sorry!

Nantescalling · 28/01/2025 12:06

So that proves you made the right decisions. Happier days ahead !

Bleachbum · 28/01/2025 10:00

Does he own the home he lives in at the moment OP? If so, how big is it? Is it mortgaged?

Thankyouforthrdayz · 28/01/2025 07:04

What do you mean by saying your DH is financially responsible for the older two children? Is it because he is supporting them financially?
It's a big ask for you to stretch your finances to pay to house his two adult kids when your own adult offspring has become financially independent. As housing costs are extortionate and verging on unaffordable for all but the very highest earners, I don't judge your DH or his two adults for their collective choice to live together or his for choosing to spend his resources on his kids. (I think he's doing the eldest who is earning a serious disservice if she's making no contribution though). But as he intends to marry you, your finances become a joint enterprise, I can see why you are wary of your marriage having these adult dependents.
My home is open to my kids until they establish themselves, and I know this is likely to be longer than my generation due to the cost of housing. But I will expect them to pay what they can, even if I can gift this back in future.

iamnotalemon · 28/01/2025 00:57

@BettyBardMacDonald

Me too! I will be in the position of having a small mortgage (or hopefully no mortgage) and I'm not letting a man get his mitts on it. I'm very cynical and only mid 40s but I've worked my butt off for what I have and it means a lot to me to be financially independent.

DeepRoseFish · 28/01/2025 00:44

It’s a terrible idea! Seriously it won’t go well.

Keep your separate home until your daughter has grown up and flown the nest and even then never move in with his adult children.

PokerFriedDips · 28/01/2025 00:11

So he is throwing his toys out of the pram because you have spotted that what is best for him and his offspring isn't identical to what is best for you & yours and for some reason you aren't prioritising his wishes.

red flag red flag red flag red flag

Do not proceed further with this man.

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/01/2025 23:58

honeyrider · 27/01/2025 22:40

I wouldn't be surprised if he's been playing the long game gradually reeling you in so you're the one who'll finance his family's lifestyle. Now that you've raised your concerns he sees it slipping away and shown you his true colours.

I wouldn't trust him an inch now.

This is my interpretation, too.
As a financially solvent mature woman, there is nothing that would induce me to marry or mingle finances. I've worked too hard for what I have.

cherish123 · 27/01/2025 23:24

I think, if I were you, I'd keep the status quo. You seem happy. Why complicate things? Do you need to get married? Marriage will complicate things for inheritance.

cleowasmycat · 27/01/2025 23:16

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 20:42

@WompWompBoom thanks. He thinks that I want him to kick his kids out. I don’t want that. I just don’t want to purchase a property with him for all of the kids including the adult kids.,,

I can see how some people might think I’m being unreasonable. However, I don’t think I am..,

You absolutely are not BU. You will look back at this a breathe a sigh of relief.

notatinydancer · 27/01/2025 22:49

I think you're doing the right thing OP. No way could I live with someone else's adult kids.

honeyrider · 27/01/2025 22:40

I wouldn't be surprised if he's been playing the long game gradually reeling you in so you're the one who'll finance his family's lifestyle. Now that you've raised your concerns he sees it slipping away and shown you his true colours.

I wouldn't trust him an inch now.

LameBorzoi · 27/01/2025 22:33

This whole thing was resting on you taking out a huge mortgage. Can you even get a big mortgage when you are in your 50s? I thought you couldn't - that you had to be able to pay it off before retirement age?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/01/2025 22:24

Oh dear is he throwing his toys out of his pram as he realises you will not be taking on a mortgage to house his whole family...

goody2shooz · 27/01/2025 21:08

@Abby23 I don’t think any sensible person would think you are unreasonable. WHY would any reasonable person expect you, as a mother of 1, to take on a big mortgage for a big house to accommodate a man and his three children??

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/01/2025 20:53

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 20:42

@WompWompBoom thanks. He thinks that I want him to kick his kids out. I don’t want that. I just don’t want to purchase a property with him for all of the kids including the adult kids.,,

I can see how some people might think I’m being unreasonable. However, I don’t think I am..,

Many pp have iterated that this transaction (as well as the proposed marriage) are definitely not a good idea for you. Great for him, absolutely not for you and your daughter.

Original poster
Abby23 · 27/01/2025 20:42

@WompWompBoom thanks. He thinks that I want him to kick his kids out. I don’t want that. I just don’t want to purchase a property with him for all of the kids including the adult kids.,,

I can see how some people might think I’m being unreasonable. However, I don’t think I am..,

OP posts:
Enough4me · 27/01/2025 19:48

OP you're right, you are not a good match. You are speaking sense in helping your DC become independent and he has crazy business plans and doesn't encourage his DC to be independent. He's a financial burden and I'm glad for you he's now put you off him.
Please take this chance and go free while you can!

iamnotalemon · 27/01/2025 18:48

I'd be staying in my own house tbh

arcticpandas · 27/01/2025 18:47

Abby23 · 27/01/2025 14:48

Thanks all. Well we have just had a big bust up. In a nutshell. I told him I am uncomfortable with moving in with his adult children. He said I have nothing to worry about as the kids love me. He said his children are part of him and that the relationship is over if that’s my stance. I said that’s fine.

put my phone down and reflected that if he can’t be reasonable or listen to my concerns, are we even suited?
what a Monday!

Jesus ! Easy for him.. he's the one getting all the benefits by moving in with you: big house for his children that you partially pay for. Also, it seems like he wants his adults children staying with him forever. I would downsize if I were him, planning for the adults to leave. They could houseshare or share an appartment since they are working. But ofcourse it's nicer to live free with their dad. They are CF but so is he wanting you to take care of and pay for his adult children.