16 year old daughter dating a 21 year old man

Tbh I don't really consider 21 to be fully grown, .y two step brothers are 21 and working, although living at home, and still are mentally 14/15. I would keep an eye, don't ban the relationship but watch very closely and always be there and a good listening ear for her.

Complete double standards then, the amount of people saying they did it but would not be happy if their own daughter did it. That’s because it’s gross. She’s practically a child. What would an adult man see in a teenager.

I was that girl and I'm now married to that guy.

We didn't last long the first time round but we got together later when we were both in our twenties.

I'm lucky he was a good guy. I now have a teenage daughter and I would freak...

Yes, same here. In fact at my 6th form College there was a boy who was in year 12 so 16 possibly 17 going out with a 22 year old woman. Everyone in the college thought it was unusual, especially when she would wait outside to meet him after college so they could get the bus home together- she worked in an office and was often wearing skirt suits so she looked even more grown up!

I can see both sides. It's not a huge difference in reality.

There's 17 yrs between DH and I, and I was 19 when we got together, and we are still together nearly 40 years later.
DD took up with a guy with a similar age gap at work and her boss at 17..I wasn't thrilled but would have been hypocritical to say too much. We did kill with kindness, though, invited him round, but made it clear she was a kid in our interactions, we talked about college, her hobbies( which we subtly encouraged her to take further using up some of her time). Told them to do the washing up after dinner and get her dirty clothes from her room.
He soon backed off, and she saw him as a sleaze. She now cringes at what she saw in him but said our approach was right as she had a route out without losing face.
He found her brother intimidating apparently too. 😂

It is a big difference at those ages and honestly we wouldn't be happy about our DD doing this but it is tricky as like you say, you don't want to push them away from you as a parent. What do her friend's who are her age think?

I can't recall a single friend or acquaintance, either male or female, when we 21 & in the final year of university, who would dream of dating a 16 year old.

She should be aiming higher than the sort of man prepared to engage in a relationship with a child.

When I was 17 my boyfriend was 22. I was nearer 18 at the time, age gap of 4.5 year. I was also at 6th form and he was working. I met him at work (I was the Saturday girl).

My my mother was also very worried about this. It lasted about 6 months, I was still focused on school and did well in my A levels. Everything was fine and he was nice to me though I do now wonder why a 22 year old wanted to go out with a 17 year old though boys are very immature compared to girls that age. We were also friends for a few years after.

In some respects but not in others.
The main one being here that she could leave home and live with him if she chose to. The police would not do anything about it at all.
So you need to factor that in.
A 16 year old is not an adult in all respects but they are in some and should definitely not be thought of the same as a young kid. It's dangerous ground to do that as she might lose her forever.

It's tricky. I lived with my 21 yr old boyfriend when I was 17. He was divorced with a 5 yr old daughter, single parent. We had a good relationship for a couple of years and then it fizzled out. Support her, Or you'll drive her away.

I understand your worry and I'd feel the same but she's correct, it is completely legal. Therefore you need to tread carefully. You need to make sure you are there for her if this does turn out to be an abusive or exploitative situation. You do that not by going in guns blazing.. but by having a reasonable conversation with her. Try and make it as calm as possible and just go through the times of problems a power dynamic like that could throw up. Let her know you are worried and you will always be there for her, but also acknowledge she is over the age of consent and it's up to her who she sleeps with.
The key here is not to push her away into his arms. The relationship between you and your daughter is the most important thing here.. approaching this with anger will push her away from you and you won't be able to help her if things become difficult for her.

unfortunately OP I think the only thing you can do is keep her close. Talk to her and gently voice your concerns but don’t drive her away xx

Yes, that's a good way of describing them - a bit lacking. Women in their 20's wouldn't be interested in them.

I had a 24 year old boyfriends at 16. I wouldn't like it if it was my daughter though tbh

It could turn nasty OP, but it might not. Twenty one is still very young. Young men of that age can be pretty immature and 16 year girls mature for their age, so the 'power difference' is likely to be less than it would be the other way around.
Ideally he would have waited a year or two before asking her out, but I don't think she is more likely to be upset or harmed by this than a relationship with someone closer to her own age. A lot depends on how they are with each other. And it is likely to fizzle out before long if it's allowed to run its course.
It would be very wrong if this man was a teacher or in some other position of responsibility, or if he had been grooming her while she was underage. But he isn't. He's a guy she met through friends, and they fell for each other.
People who strongly believe that 16 year olds are unable to make a sensible decision about consent because they are still children, should seriously think of lobbying parliament to change the law.

I am really surprised by these responses as the parent of a teenage girl and a 22 year old man. If DS was dating a 16 year old I would ask him what he was playing at!

Nor would I be happy with DD dating an adult man. Yes it was normal when I was growing up, bla bla bla and an adult boyfriend with a car was a massive win when I was teen, especially if they picked you up from school. But when I look back on those lads now I can see that they were just a bit lacking (rather than predatory in most cases) and women their own age probably weren’t interested in them.

I can see both sides. I had just turned 18 and was also living at home and in sixth form when I met my husband who was 23 at the time. So same age gap but slightly different because I was a legal adult. Personally I’ve never felt that he was too old for me and our maturity levels matched quite well. Although it does seem a little odd in this case that he’s chosen to date a child rather than someone over 18. DH has said before that he would not have dated me if I were any younger because he would never have chosen someone who was legally a child even if they were over the age of consent. It would have felt very weird to him.

I started going out with my DH when I was 16 nearly 17, he was 21, friends gave us 2 weeks, then 2 months, but here we are some 47 years later still together. My Mum and Dad liked him from first meeting him, I had a 10pm curfew for a few months. His parents were fine, although not so happy that he spent a lot of money on me, rather than saving at first. We bought our first property when I was 20.

Ok so she's 16 and you're worried that she's seeing a 21 year old. Would you be happy with 19, 17? What's ultimately the difference if he's a nice person who is good to her.

Yes it’s legal, she’s mature blah blah blah… at the end of the day why would a 21 year old adult want a teenager? It’s gross.

God i feel for you. How did they meet? I really do think that any decent 21 year old man would understand that a 16 year old is just too young.
No advice sorry - sounds like you have as much of a grip on the situation as you can. I guess just try to remain calm and keep lines of communication open, maybe try some distraction although not much would work against teenage infatuation.

Yes they are. They are legally a minor until the age of 18

OP, you should definitely spanner this relationship, your daughter will love you for ever.

Personally, I think your dd could benefit from seeing that you are taking action (respectfully) here, so she can feel supported. Especially as relationships are a mixed bag as we know.

Can you spend time with the boyfriend, observe the dynamic, and then communicate with your dd if you’re happy for the relationship to progress? You may not be able to stop it progressing if she’s adamant but if you show that you are making informed judgements she may be more willing to listen to and consider/act on your view.