Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

16 year old daughter dating a 21 year old man

109 replies

tenp4ea · 22/01/2025 19:27

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit out of my depth and could use some advice. My 16 year-old daughter has recently started dating a 21 year-old man, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

For context, she’s a mature and sensible girl for her age, but she’s still in sixth form and living at home, whereas he’s working full-time and living independently. They met through mutual friends, and she’s assured me he’s lovely and treats her well. From what I’ve seen, he does seem polite and respectful, but I can’t shake the feeling that the age gap at this stage in her life is a bit… off?

I understand that legally, there’s nothing wrong with it, and she keeps reminding me of that, but I still worry about the power dynamics and the different stages of life they’re at. She’s still figuring herself out, whereas he’s had five more years of adult life experience.

I don’t want to come across as overbearing or push her away by being too critical, but I also want to protect her and make sure she’s not being taken advantage of. Am I overreacting? Should I be setting firmer boundaries?

Would really appreciate any advice or perspectives, especially if anyone’s been in a similar situation.

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
foreverafternow · 28/07/2026 07:26

Is everyone here insane? A 16 and 21 year old have no business dating, I would even go as far as labeling this pedophilia. In what world would a 21 year old find a 16 year old (a child by the way) attractive? Its disgusting and I don't know care if it's legal it should never be normalized and you should put an end to it immediately. The most a 16 year old should be able to date is an 18 year old or a 14 year old. 2 year gap is the limit for minors in my opinion. I'm astonished most people are agreeing that this is okay.

Tink3rbell30 · 23/01/2025 09:03

Eww what does he want with a child that's still in school?🤢

LittleMonks11 · 23/01/2025 08:59

I've realised I turned 18 halfway through my romance with 21 year old so not such an age gap. A young 16 I'd probably not be happy with for my DD.

Eyerollexpert · 23/01/2025 06:13

My son is 21 and has a lovely group of friends. If one of them had such a young girlfriend they would all be outraged and would definitely not be supportive, although it is only a few years at that age it is a big difference.
I know this because I have been there when they have discussed this in front of me about a school acquaintance.

Askthecat · 23/01/2025 00:36

I was a headstrong, unhappy but academically successful 'sensible and mature' 15 year old when I got with my 21 year old boyfriend.

He was a selfish, insecure manchild who love bombed me to give me the sense of belonging I craved, and emotionally manipulated me for 3 1/2 years. I was 'legal' for most of the time I was with him, but that didn't make me less vulnerable. My parents didn't like the sex part when I was underage, but were too scared to try and stop me from seeing him, so he stayed in my home when he visited. They knew we had sex, so they put me on the pill, but they didn't know he would show me porn to teach me what he liked, and fetishise me in my school uniform. They didn't know know he would put his hands around my throat and throw things at me when we spend time at his place, or that he made false reports to the police about me if I left.

Over the years, when I would sob because we would row about me having my own life (a job, college work and a few friends), and he would so often threaten to leave me because my independence hurt his feelings, my parents didn't know what to do for fear of pushing me away, so they comforted me and said relationships are hard and take work.

At nearly 40 I'm still dealing with the emotional control and training this relationship impressed on me at such a formative time. I wish somebody had had a really frank conversation with me about what love is and is not, and what control can look like from someone who plays the victim, uses your mental health against you, and tries to isolate you.

Not all age gaps are a power imbalance, but there's a distinct possibility they can be, and men who start relationships with children are often doing so for specific reasons which they can be good at hiding/denying. I wouldn't want to take the chance of letting the same thing happen to another young person that happened to me.

I'd say yes, do make it clear you're there for her, but also talk about some examples of healthy and unhealthy relationship behaviours/dynamics, and try to keep this conversation open and ongoing. Use cultural reference points to bring this up if need be, and say clearly how you would hope those scenarios would be handled.

Even if she doesn't tell you the details of her relationship, she may recognise things you describe and it may equip her to question anything untoward early on, maybe talk to someone about it, and even establish her own boundaries.

Nobody really told me I could have boundaries and still love someone. Or that I could have hard outs, and this wouldn't make me cruel or selfish person, until I was completely wrapped up in this dynamic and couldnt see a way out.

Young women and girls need to hear this stuff, repeatedly and clearly, especially if they're in relationships with men. Even if they are already 'sensible and mature' for their age.

BobbiJo · 23/01/2025 00:29

ServantsGonnaServe · 23/01/2025 00:14

When I read this, I feel like your perspective is that you're sad you never got over your relationship ending.

My perspective is that if he had stayed away, you'd have had the opportunity to grow in those 5 years at a slower pace. Shorter relationship, probably with silly boys which resulted in shorted, sharp and normal painful teenage love and angst.

Instead you grieved an adult future at a child age and you're still perturbed.

I had a shorter but a similar age gap and age relationship and was fine with it at the time but as an adult, I'm angry he didn't know better. Sorry to project. I think its interesting we can see things differently but can agree on the damage.

No. It was the still birth at 20 that killed the future and the plans we had. Thanks though.

ServantsGonnaServe · 23/01/2025 00:14

BobbiJo · 22/01/2025 23:29

My first proper bf was 20 when I was 16.
We lasted about 5 years, was going to get a house and have a child etc.
Due to circumstances, we didn't, broke my heart when that ended tbh and I don't think I ever really got over it... I'm 45 now.

When I read this, I feel like your perspective is that you're sad you never got over your relationship ending.

My perspective is that if he had stayed away, you'd have had the opportunity to grow in those 5 years at a slower pace. Shorter relationship, probably with silly boys which resulted in shorted, sharp and normal painful teenage love and angst.

Instead you grieved an adult future at a child age and you're still perturbed.

I had a shorter but a similar age gap and age relationship and was fine with it at the time but as an adult, I'm angry he didn't know better. Sorry to project. I think its interesting we can see things differently but can agree on the damage.

Tillow4ever · 23/01/2025 00:13

SwerveCity · 22/01/2025 21:17

Complete double standards then, the amount of people saying they did it but would not be happy if their own daughter did it. That’s because it’s gross. She’s practically a child. What would an adult man see in a teenager.

It's not double standards to say you recognise why/how the situation is happening because you were in that position all those years ago and can see with the benefit of hindsight it wasn't healthy! It's called growing and learning.

ServantsGonnaServe · 23/01/2025 00:07

The problem she doesn't see now is that blokes like this are normally hanging around with groups of 15/16 year olds which, as an adult, you see very differently.

Those men aren't fitting in with their peers and, from what I've experienced personally, never seem to have any real ambition.

I had a similar relationship and my mum let it fizzle out and I'm still not sure how I feel about that. It was a different time. I think perhaps I'd have liked a word about how you're worried she will see the relationship differently in 10 years time and you're there for her.

It took me a long time to realise it was wrong of my ex to be OK with dating a child and it would have meant something to me to have it in the back of my mind that someone else though that it wasn't OK and I wasn't overreacting to be repulsed as an adult when I came to the same conclusion.

Taylor Swifts "would've, could've, should've" song really resonates.

Tillow4ever · 23/01/2025 00:05

Oh and in my case, I was still in secondary school, not even halfway through year 11. He was at university.

Tillow4ever · 23/01/2025 00:04

When I was 16 I had my first proper boyfriend. He was 21. Initially he wasn't too sure because of the age difference but my parents actually encouraged him!

We were together about 18 months. But I wanted out sooner. He emotionally blackmailed me into staying for a good 6 months - I didn't have the emotional toolbelt so to speak to help me deal with that situation.

With hindsight and seeing how it was the sign that I was going to pick emotionally abusive, older men I wish my parents had done more to stop it. Would I have listened? I don't know - but I pretty sure in my case, he wouldn't have gone ahead and asked me out had he not been encouraged by mum and dad that it was ok.

I don't know how to suggest approaching it with your daughter in a way that she will listen. Maybe just make sure she knows that you are there for her, without judgement, if she ever needs to talk to you. And make sure you are.

If she ends up out of this relationship, consider paying for therapy for her to work through what is best for her in the future when it comes to relationships.

bombastix · 23/01/2025 00:01

Ew

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 22/01/2025 23:56

Drollie · 22/01/2025 23:22

I didnt suggest for one moment it was like a 12 year old who couldn't consent. However I still have no understanding of what a 21 year old man wants with a 16 year old child.

I think she probably doesn’t seem like a child to him. Fresh and beautiful and charming, perhaps, and though younger than him, in his age group.

BigCheese24 · 22/01/2025 23:33

What is the actual age gap? Is she about to turn 17, and he's only just turned 21? Sounds mad but that can make a difference. If she's just turned 16 and he's about to be 22 that is completely different.

Most 21yo boys are immature to a point so they're probably on the same wavelength.

Does your daughter look older? Does she present like a woman? Or does she look like a teenager?

Nightmarewithdelirium · 22/01/2025 23:32

TheArts · 22/01/2025 21:25

This is really interesting for me to read about.
When I was 16, at college doing A levels, I had a boyfriend who was 21.
My mum was completely cool with it. She liked him, and got on well with him. She used to let me stay for weekends at his house (he had his own house which his parents had bought for him). He worked full time and was always inviting me to stay over.
He introduced me to sex and used to buy me loads of lingerie to wear with him. He'd take me out to expensive restaurants and ask me to wear the lingerie then take me back to his house to have sex.
I was physically very well developed at 16. I was 5 ft 8, hourglass figure, large bust, curvy hips, tiny waist. My mum described me as sensible and mature. But she was wrong. Boy was I naive. I was utterly childlike in my mental and emotional development. Sure, I was sensible in terms of I wasn't rebellious or badly behaved. But I was introverted and quiet, and looking back now these personality traits, along with my physical development, were misinterpreted by my mum (and other adults) as me being mature and sensible. But I wasn't mature at all. I was a child.
I think I was coerced in to a sexual relationship with an adult man that I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready for. I didn't think this at the time because I was too childlike to realise or understand it. I can only see it now as an adult.
As a woman in my 40s now, I look back and feel my mum never safeguarded me in this situation. I needed her to stop the relationship. To ban it. Yes I was 16 so legally I could be in a sexual relationship. But mentally and emotionally I was in situations with him where I felt way, way out of my depth, I felt uncomfortable, I didn't know how to say no to him, and I didn't know how to stop things.
Worst of all, I never felt like I could ever tell my mum what was going on or how I felt because she appeared to condone me being his girlfriend, so I thought this meant there must be something wrong with me for feeling uncomfortable about it. I was still young enough to look to my mum for role modelling, as in "Mum thinks it's ok, so it must be OK. Therefore it must be my fault that I don't feel OK with it, there must be something wrong with me that I don't like things that he wants me to do".
Please be careful with your daughter.
In my opinion, no 21 year old man should be in a relationship with a 16 year old girl.
And I have a whole lot of resentment and hurt towards my mum for not seeing me as the child I was and stopping him from seeing me. I feel, even now, that she didn't protect me when I really needed it.

Edited

The thing is though.. it can go right the other way. You say they should have banned it but, I had a relationship at 16 my parents did not like.. they tried to ban it but i just left and went to live with him. And I never returned home. Didn't even have contact with them for 7 years.

BobbiJo · 22/01/2025 23:29

My first proper bf was 20 when I was 16.
We lasted about 5 years, was going to get a house and have a child etc.
Due to circumstances, we didn't, broke my heart when that ended tbh and I don't think I ever really got over it... I'm 45 now.

aodirjjd · 22/01/2025 23:26

I had the same age gap at her age. He came across very charming and everyone kind of gave him a pass because I was “mature” and the relationship lasted a long time. he was actually a massive creep and had a thing for younger girls/virgins. It took me years to see that and I stil would never admit that to anyone in real life. I actually really believed at the time that he liked me inspite of not because of my age and that I was very unique and mature.

of course your daugher thinks he’s great she’s flattered, she feels special and he’s a world apart in terms of being charming compared to boys her own age who are so awkward and annoying. And he’s probably a lot more confident at sex. But he’s fucking gross.

I wouldn’t pussy foot around this. Tell her you can’t physically stop her but this guy is gross and she shouldn’t see him anymore. Any decent person at 21 would be embarrassed to be dating a child. I think back to visiting my ex at uni now and how all his housemates were clearly weirded out and just think no wonder, how was he not embarrassed!?

Drollie · 22/01/2025 23:22

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 22/01/2025 22:47

I find it troubling that in the UK someone can be called a 'child' and for it also to be legal to have sex with them. The definition is wrong. Children absolutely should not be having sex.
Young people of 16 and 17 need protection from predators because they are vulnerable and inexperienced, and in that sense they might be called children. But it's misleading to talk about the 21 year in this post 'having sex with a child' as though he's a pedophile abusing a little girl of 12 who may have been coerced or tricked or bullied into verbally agreeing to sex and then keeping quiet about it. That little girl can't consent; she's too young.
The 21 year old mentioned in this thread isn't doing anything like that. He's asked out a girl he knows socially, with the knowledge of his family and hers, and at some point she has consented to sex with him, and by the sound of it is happy with her decision.

I didnt suggest for one moment it was like a 12 year old who couldn't consent. However I still have no understanding of what a 21 year old man wants with a 16 year old child.

Anonymous2003 · 22/01/2025 23:16

As a 21 year old woman, all I can say is I would have absolutely zero interest in dating a 16 year old boy. I wouldn't even look at someone that age in that kind of way. The thought of having a full time adult job whilst dating someone in their first year of A levels makes me cringe.

Derdu · 22/01/2025 23:08

Tricky. I met my husband when I was a massively mature 16 and he was 23. We’re still together and very happy thirty years later. My parents didn’t interfere but in hindsight we had a lot of discussion around my ambitions/ future plans and how someone who loved you would want you to fully reach your potential. I think they were scared I’d fall pregnant/ not go to college/ uni etc and generally kind of settle without seeing ‘the world’. In reality I went to Uni/ travelled/ didn’t actually marry him until I was 30 and we have a lovely life with three kids. I’ve done everything I wanted to with husbands support. Wasn’t easy when I was at Uni etc but it can sometimes last. Never pressured into anything physical and that side didn’t start until I was 18. What I’m saying I think is having chats about what a healthy relationship looks like is more important than focusing on age? So that any red flags she comes across she can pick up? Also getting to know him will tell you a lot about his attitudes etc

FinTheDog · 22/01/2025 22:47

There is something very wrong with a 21 year old man dating a 16 year old. Most 21 year olds I know, and I know a fair few as my son is that age, would be embarrassed and would find it weird, potentially pervy.

I also have a very nearly 16 year old daughter, she wouldn’t dream of dating a man of 21. Lots of girls who think they’re mature would do it, but it’s a sign of immaturity to not realise that it’s not appropriate.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 22/01/2025 22:47

Drollie · 22/01/2025 22:34

A 16 year old is a child. They are an adult when they turn 18. It's not helpful to play it down.

I find it troubling that in the UK someone can be called a 'child' and for it also to be legal to have sex with them. The definition is wrong. Children absolutely should not be having sex.
Young people of 16 and 17 need protection from predators because they are vulnerable and inexperienced, and in that sense they might be called children. But it's misleading to talk about the 21 year in this post 'having sex with a child' as though he's a pedophile abusing a little girl of 12 who may have been coerced or tricked or bullied into verbally agreeing to sex and then keeping quiet about it. That little girl can't consent; she's too young.
The 21 year old mentioned in this thread isn't doing anything like that. He's asked out a girl he knows socially, with the knowledge of his family and hers, and at some point she has consented to sex with him, and by the sound of it is happy with her decision.

EsmeSusanOgg · 22/01/2025 22:43

What's the phrase?

"You're not mature for your age, he's a predator"

Look, there are exceptions. Obviously. And age gaps later in life are usually fine. But what does a 21 year old have in common with a 16 year old? They are at vastly different point sin life. There is a lot of growing up in those years.

If he is a friend of a friend, do you know his family? His parents etc.? I would be pushing for those details. Unfortunately, forbidding the relationship as other have said may push her further into it.

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 22/01/2025 22:37

SwerveCity · 22/01/2025 21:17

Complete double standards then, the amount of people saying they did it but would not be happy if their own daughter did it. That’s because it’s gross. She’s practically a child. What would an adult man see in a teenager.

Not necessarily double standards. I thought I was far more mature at 16 than I

  1. Probably was.
  2. See 16 year olds now that I'm much older, and have parented that age.

As an aside, I had done my GCSEs at 16 for everyone talking about being at school. I was at 6th form and working part time. (Although accept that the rules have changed around school leaving age in England.

UnicornWorld · 22/01/2025 22:36

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo she can't drink in a pub. She can't gamble. She can't drive

Why are those things in place?

Swipe left for the next trending thread