AIBU to say get a job or get out?

I fell madly in love with the web in the 90s. I started building websites. I thought I might be able to turn it into a business. I was already making a living as a freelance writer. So I could easily do the copy. I needed to learn design and to code. Which I did.

DH was amazing. So supportive. He told me I was a genius and to go for it. So i did. I worked endless hours and he looked after the house.

Difference between me and your DH, OP, is that after about 18 months I was just about getting by and DH was reassuring me that I'd made the right decision. Things got better. A couple of years later my business was flourishing and DH was in a position to resign his hated, boring job and become a SAHD. He was so thrilled. I was doing something I loved and so was he. He always had an eye for homemaking.

I never took my eye off the ball or ignored my responsibilities to my family. Your DH is taking the piss, OP.

What on earth are these projects?!

Op what do you actually want?
This situation has been going on for 10 years. Of course he is going to resent you if you try and change it now, he's gotten away doing exactly what he wants without any family responsibility.

What is your end game? Are you willing to split up over this as it sounds as if you will do anything so long as he doesn't resent you.

I would speak to a solicitor to know exactly what would happen were you to divorce and think very carefully about your next steps.

Personally I would be saying he has to work full time and do at least 50% of household chores and taking care of the kids. Give him a 2 month deadline and call his bluff if he doesn't get a job within that timeframe. You'd be much better off alone than with this parasite on your finances and emotional wellbeing.

This with bells on it. I also thought this was about a ds in his early / mid 20s.

That sounds promising OP.

And I think this will be the make
or break moment for you, if he accepts the job and stays at it - then great

If he makes an excuse, doesn’t actually apply or ends up only sticking in the job a few months, then you know it’s time to end things.

Cross fingers all goes well for both DH’s job and project. I hope you are investing in your pension plus extra. Note all of the projects and money spent on them as he could begrudge you of the pension you will get later in life,

Put a calendar in a visible place and circle 4th March in red

Also circle 4th Feb as a reminder to yourself to start seeing divorce lawyers because I'd be shocked if he has made any meaningful progress in securing work by 4th March.

Sorry cross-posted. Glad you had the chat and it went well 😊

@GeofferyLLama just wondering if your OH might have some kind of neurodiversity going on? Not saying that what you’ve put up with reasonable, but could this explain his actions? Only wondered because from what you’ve said he does intense research into his new projects, but can never seem to stick to them. Such intense focus/special interest could be due to ADHD and/or ASD. If that’s behind it, then you might need to look at different strategies to help him into other work, if you want to stay together? Or, if he realises he is ND but doesn’t want to/can’t change, then you’d have to decide if you could live with it,

You lost me at 60k. Why the hell did you tolerate anything else after this? This was the time to take a stand. You’ve no cards left to play. Time to LTB. How on earth do you have any respect left for this person?

“This time next year, Rodney, we’ll be millionaires”

YANBU.

If he’s destroyed your credit rating and left you in debt it’s bordering on financial abuse. Based on a decade-long track record, it’s reasonable to assume you’d be better off divorcing, living alone and being responsible for your own finances, with child support payments from him.

He can still be your best friend and a great dad. He could be your paying lodger if it suits you both. Just don’t let him drag you down a financial black hole with him.

But surely you must resent him for losing £60k, getting you into loads of debt and losing your credit rating?

Isn't he ashamed or embarassed about all the money down the drain on his so called projects, which never turn into a viable money making business? You've given him 10 years, surely enough is enough?

You have been patient enough .
It's obvious nothing he has or probably will work on will pay off.
Sounds like he just has lots of hobbies that cost a lot and you can't make money from them

And he will resent you, blame you, be vile towards you and all the other things that a thoroughly selfish, spoilt brat of a manbaby would do. That's why your relationship doesn't work and isn't sustainable. He's a parasite and he's sucking the life out of you. Feel free to carry on letting him leech off you forever but you don't really want that do you? You want a better life for you and your DC so your only choice is to relieve yourself of this intolerable burden. Cast him off and let him fend for himself - he's had a 10 year free ride and you owe him nothing.

10 years? Jesus H, that’s insane! Trouble is, will he be seen as primary carer and get majority custody/be awarded maintenance? And can he force the sale of the house you’ve paid for over the past 10 years?

I don't want him to resent me for making him do something he doesn't want to do.

But he’s making you do something you don’t want to do: carry the entire financial load for the whole family and bankroll his hobbies. And, I’d argue - just from reading your post - that you now resent him. So there’s already deep seated frustration and resentment within your relationship. And, as a pp has already pointed out, the vast majority of adults have to do things that they don’t want to do. He sounds more and more like Peter Pan, I’m afraid to say….

Insist that it is time for him to work at least three days per week to put money into his pension.
You both want choices as you age.

You have enabled this freeloader to continue with his hobby for TEN YEARS

STOP - it is as simple as that

SAY ‘NO MORE’

He sounds like a Walter Mitty character, a dreamer who never actually succeeds.

I don't think you are unreasonable to have had enough...I know I would have, probably 9 years ago.

But you're not really doing that - you're saying respect me and your family enough to contribute to it financially. You have been massively supportive for a decade, he's been and is being very unrealistic to expect that to continue. We all have to make enough money to survive, it's not fair that the burden relies on you and you alone (plus your family bailing you out).

I also think, in the nicest possibly way, he's going to have to pull up his big boy pants and suck it up. Every adult (unless unwell or caring etc) has to work. You're not forcing him do the job he hates most on the planet, you're not forcing him to never do his 'projects', just that he needs to be in (full time) paid employment and they have to be done in spare time.

I also think that, although you're scared about him resenting you, what about you? You must surely resent him? You deserve to not have to shoulder all the financial responsibility, he's not showing the respect and care and thought to you and your daughter. What advice would you give to a friend in the same position?

I think you are all wasting your time. OP doesn't want GoldenCock to resent her so will do nothing to upset the status quo.

Resent you???

Why on earth would that even be within the most remote realm of your worries when he has ruined your credit rating, got you into huge debt, lied to you continually, lived of you as a freeloading mooch, failed to support his child and permanently financially crippled you?

What the actual fuck.

But it’s ok for him to leech off you for ten years, get you into debt and destroy your credit rating? Come on OP, get some self respect.

What about you OP? You resent him and you matter too. It's not all about him and his unachievable dreams.