To resent adult dd a bit.

Its difficult to live with adult children. Lots of posts by parents to that effect. These days we have to. But we can at least set some boundaries.

Most 22 yr olds are self centred, you just have to set your boundaries!

Just tell her you’re swapping the bedrooms, she’s hardly there and pays next to nothing, so can have the small room. Swap while she’s away.

Also work out 2/5 of the bills and charge her that each month

You need to swap rooms and re-establish some boundaries. She needs to be paying the extra council tax plus a reasonable rent. Stop buying food for her, she can shop for herself and reduce the food wastage (and the cost to you). You could go further - give her a day or 2 per week when she can access the washing machine and do her own. She also needs to be better at communicating when she’ll be around - a curtesy to those she lives with, not last minute but what she expects for the week ahead.

Show her the bills. She’s obviously clueless. Stop buying her food, doing laundry etc. She’ll soon learn. Don’t give her a choice re paying more. She can argue all she likes, but she needs to pay her way or find something else. Take back the bigger room. You’re being a total mug, OP.

Get your bedroom back! Put the heating on when YOU want it, especially when DD is not there! Work out what a reasonable financial contribution from her should be and charge her that. She is taking the piss ... you can choose not to be pissed on!
There was a period when I took my DD and family in after a house fire ... in fact I did not charge them, BUT they helped, cooked, cleaned, contributed food,went out of their way to be accommodating etc. ... and made no demands.

@Nanny0gg Tbf, it won’t be a bad thing for her DD to move out at that point and she’ll get a shock when she has to cover the true costs of running a household. The OP’s bills, however, will drop drastically!

But the OP can start enforcing boundaries now, such as putting starting the heating on a timer and showing her DD how much things cost.

She's 22!!!! You're enabling her. Yes, we support our children but she's taking the biscuit. Set boundaries and stick to them. You may begin to resent her as she continues to zap your energy, never mind your finances!!

Because she'll be able to afford to go off with the boyfriend

She's using her mother while she needs to

Agree with everyone, you have to set the boundaries in your own home, you haven't so you are getting walked on. You don't need to argue, you need a proper chat about her finances, the room, the whole thing, and then say, I understand if you want to move out, and I'll support you to do that, if you are going to carry on living here, this is what needs to happen.

The 25% extra council tax has to be the starting point.

Yes, YABU to resent your daughter when you are doing very little, if anything, to fix the situation and her bad attitude.

Start off with the small stuff she can’t challenge. Swapping the bedrooms back round should be a piece of piss if she’s never there. Put a lock on your ‘new’ bedroom if necessary.

Then stop cooking, cleaning, washing and buying food for her. That way even if you’re not getting rent, at least you’re not haemorrhaging so much money on her upkeep.

Heating and rent are probably more contentious and difficult to enforce since she knows you won’t throw her out so go for the easier wins first.

And if she still kicks off after you’ve shown her an itemised breakdown of the bills, I would simply say “If you don’t like it, you can move out”. Then repeat ad nauseam.

YABU to let her do these things and resent her for it, yes. You're her mum and like a lot of DC who've never been told or shown otherwise, she sees your primary purpose in life as being to facilitate her life. If you (understandably) don't want to do this anymore, you need to say so. You can't really tell her how many nights to spend at home. You can tell her if she wants a warm room she buys a heater and/or contributes more to the bills. You can tell her than unless she tells you she will want dinner you won't be buying in food for her, as food waste is wrong. You could even go as far as to swap rooms with her. Although personally I wouldn't just yet. You have the whole house and that's her only space.

I would definitely change the bedrooms around too.

How long has she got left of being a student?

Her only being there half of the week wouldn’t bother me (in fact I would prefer it).

But you need to put your foot down with other things.

Tell her you cannot afford the heating on as often and so she either contributes more or moves out.

Doing her washing is fine, but she cannot be using the tumble dryer.

I wouldn’t buy any additional food that can go off.
If she wants something she can buy it.

Does her bf live with his parents?
Does he pay them rent?

@Nanny0gg

Why do you think she'll leave when she gets a job when she only pays £40 and gets all this support?

You don't need to kick her out OP, just wait until you know she's going to be out for a couple of days, and change the bedroom over yourself. When she gets home and finds that her things are all in the smaller room, she may scream and shout, but just shut yourself in the bigger room, and ignore her. Put some music on with headphones to shut her out, or maybe add a bolt to the door so that she can't come in and continue to shout at you, if that's what she tends to do. Start with that, and once she's accepted that, you can leave it for a week or two, and then tell her that she needs to make a bigger contribution to household expenses or move out, her choice. Be prepared in advance with the amount of money that you feel really does cover her share of the bills, and tell her that's what you want each month, failure to pay it will result in her things being outside the door the next time she comes home. The likelihood of having to do this, is virtually nil, as the minute she finds out how much living on her own will really cost her, she'll realise that paying a reasonable contribution at home, is a much better deal. Oh, and just ignore her washing, she'll soon do it when she realises she has nothing to wear. Again, you don't need to argue about it, just don't do it. If she asks where her clean shirt/jeans, whatever is, just say 'well if you can't find it, presumably it's waiting for you to wash it.' Again, she may scream and shout, but just go shut yourself in your room, and ignore her again.

Who is the parent here? You are not doing her any favours at all! She will go out into the real world expecting everything delivered on a silver platter and will have a big shock and struggle to survive. Also why is she using her maintenance loan for frivolous spend or did I read that wrong? If she doesn't need it why take on the debt as it will have to be paid back?! Or save it for a house if it's a cheap loan?!

So you’ve left yourself with no bargaining chips then.

Question 1. How much fun spending money do you have each month?
Question 2. What do you want from this thread?

I think you need to decide what changes you want going forward, she’s not there, turn the heating off, it’s an easy one she comes home and complains you simply say you don’t have the money to run the heating to that level. If she argues, don’t engage or ask her how she suggests you pay for it? If you’re feeling generous buy her a heated blanket for Christmas.

Tell her you’ll be switching the rooms and that for £40 per month part time residence this is non negotiable. Ask her if she wants to be there when you do it and give her a date. What are her arguments against this, there’s no way they outweigh yours. Then do it.

I’d start with that and not worry too much about evening up the rent at the moment, but do make sure she understands that as she is studying part time you are having to pay £x amount extra in council tax.

You can do this if you pull up your big girls pants and do it. Or just carry on feeling resentful it’s your choice. Good luck

Up her keep to 200. Don't argue about it, it's 200. Switch the rooms when she is at her boyfriend's. She is incredibly cheeky to be showing up w him in tow anyway. Don't argue, just do it.

Then you really will have to put the tiredness to one side, prepare a budget and show her!

You will tell her she's not having the larger room for 4 days a week and the heating will be on as and when you decide

And if she doesn't like it she can come up with some other options.

You do know the minute she gets a job she'll be off?

Turn the heating off and if she argues about it show her the heating bill, tell her to buy an electric blanket, they are low on electricity
40 a month is pittance and wouldn’t cover anything, it should be minimum 250

Does her father give her anything, you could ask her to ask him for some money

Please read this @Reindeerhouses . You are enabling your daughter, it's not good for you but it's not good for her either.

I think you need to sit her down and have a calm "new year, new rules" conversation.

Lay out the financial reality, and give her a clear figure for what you consider an appropriate new contribution from her (and if the figure you come up with doesn't mean she is covering her own costs in entirety, and you are still financially supporting her, make it clear to her how much it is costing you each month).

Set some rules around her practical contribution too, eg that you won't be doing her laundry for her anymore unless she contributes to chores on an equal basis, eg you do one wash, dry and fold a week and she also does one.

She will likely protest but a protest does not need to become an argument. She can say she's not going to pay more or do more, in which case you pull all support (eg food, laundry, longer heating hours) AND also insist on swapping rooms (I personally see this as a hill not to die on if she agrees to pay more and contribute more).

Explain to her that she is on her way to being a fully independent adult and it's your job as a parent to help that process. Allowing her to be dependent isn't serving her best interests or yours. Stay calm, don't argue about whether you're right or wrong - it's your house and you know you're being fair, so don't get into it. Acknowledge that it's a big change for her and you know she won't be keen on it, but it's a necessary part of growing up.

That's crazy. I paid my Mum £400pm to live with her and only really ate breakfast at home, although she would always include me in meals if I was there.

You need to take the big bedroom back and she needs to figure out a salary she can actually live on realistically.

Are you actually doing her washing at 22?? Say no!

She should be paying either half the utilities or £100 pw.its very kind when parents don’t ask much of their kids to allow them to save up a deposit but 1) she’s not saving 2) you can’t afford it.tell her she is welcome to move out and rent privately if she thinks that’s unreasonable.

is she really adding that much to your heating if she’s almost never home?