To think society should stop glorifying self-care and prioritise community care?

I feel like I see it on mumsnet all the time. There will be a mum who is frazzled, at breaking point and disappointed that the grandparents won’t watch the kids for an hour or two so they can recharge…..but most of the responses are you are selfish, you can’t expect anyone to help you and you have made your bed.

Ok, so having grown up in what would be now perceived as a traditional and religious home life setting, from quite a traditional background, I would say that, for the most part, it’s the women who have always been expected to live a life that very much focuses on taking care of every one else, and every thing else. Of having to keep the family together, making sure that everyone else is alright - ahead of themselves. And so, this has been perpetuated, generationally so. Girls and women, are taught, from childhood, to take care of every one else, first, themselves second. I know for a fact, that my mother, and all the mothers before her ( my many grandmothers, generations back) were conditioned to put every one else, before them. Any actual attempts at “self care” were/are judged?. Yes, absolutely, nurturing and maintaining community efforts is very important. It’s vital work, and very often women are at the very forefront of that, but self care should be on par with that. In its self it’s so very important. And about time too!

I agree with this. My area has changed massively over the past 20 years and most of the neighbours speak different languages from each other, some with very little English. We acknowledge each other in passing but conversation is difficult.The community spirit feels lost in our area now. It's a shame as I remember the days the mums would all be at the gates chatting while the children played.

I bet there's not a lot of men who debate if they're doing enough for their community on top of working, bringing up kids, caring for relatives and generally bearing the brunt of housekeeping

I think the term 'self-care' was originally a medical idea - it was about encouraging ill patients to look after themselves as much as possible. Then it was developed more widely as a concept by the civil rights movement and the women's movement. It was a radical concept at the time. It is only more recently it has been jumped on by the capitalist system to sell us stuff.

Jesus, what community? We are a completely atomised and untethered collection of ever shrinking families with no common or established sites of shared spaces with ever changing neighbours, colleagues and friends.

I don’t think our society does glorify self-care. It glorifies self-indulgence, but much of it is not particularly good for people (though it’s often good for commerce). Going on spa days, having duvet days when you don’t want to face people, spending more on cosmetic procedures than you put into savings - none of that is really caring for yourself.

I do agree that there is less emphasis on community generally, that we are becoming quite insular. And I think that has a negative impact, generally, on mental health for the nation. That seems to be down to growing income disparity and a reluctance by the reasonably well off to put up with the the sorts of services that can be provided to everyone on the tax base we’re prepared to fund.

We see it in everything, not just care - growing use of private schools, private health care, private gyms, etc. Community facilities that are funded by everyone for everyone are no longer a vote getter. Religion, which once brought communities together (as well as causing bloody rifts!) has lost its influence. We are much more every-man-for-himself.

It's all a bit chicken and egg. I love the idea of giving and receiving community support but things feel very transient sometimes and many people too busy. It can be a really disappointing and frustrating thing trying and failing to build meaningful relationships.

Then that disappointment leads to your mental health dipping and all you've got to fall back on is self-care. Next thing you know you've turned inwards and now you're even less able to potentially offer meaningful relationships with others.

Great post!

Yup.

OP it feels that you are asking women to solve your problem?

Local community centre looks set to close from lack of interest in anything except staring at a phone

I've known many men involved in volunteering and care for their elderly parents. Community has collapsed as a whole and the main reason seems to be a general selfish mentality.

I even got asked by a colleague "why do you volunteer, you're not even religious". 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely!! It smacks of 'WOMEN!!! why have you stopped placing other people above yourself??'

Ok yes, 'co-opted' is what I should have said. But actually I meant all the discourse around this phenomenon, not the literal word itself.

It's all manufactured and/or perverting something which exists authentically in a different context, to sell either a product or a system.

'Me-time' bleurgh.

But that doesn't stop you having the expectation that it's a 'woman's job'.

Absolutely. An idea that was so positive and had deep roots in equality and independence has been completely twisted by our system and presented back to us in the form of an expensive hand cream or bath bomb.

For me self care and community care are the same thing. I enjoy helping others, meeting new people, being involved, wanted to create a wide network for my children when we moved so they felt confident mixing with a wide range if ages and backgrounds. So I have 3 different voluntary roles (girl guiding, youth sport, parent governor) and love that I can enjoy myself, help others and give my children broader experiences all in one go.

Because it is women who did all that. It was and is the women of the church who do the helping people. It’s the local women who help the widow. It’s the women keeping an eye on the children. It’s the women making sure others have what they need.

Women got busy. They had to work. They moved away from their families and communities to be able to afford having children.

The women did do pretty much all that OP is asking to be reinstated.

People might cavil or flinch, or deny - but it was true, in my past.

Exactly what I was thinking. What OP describes is women's unpaid labour.

But if others (employers in the example you’re giving) were looking out for them more, then they wouldn’t burn out!

If we cared for each other better, self-care wouldn’t need to be a ‘thing’. It wasn’t really a thing we talked about all that much 20 years ago. I think it’s because life has become much more demanding.