issues with lodger

I really disagree with this, far too final. I would rephrase it as 'all you need is a bit more experience in being the landlady of a lodger.' I don't think anyone who has never been a LL or a lodger is likely to get it all right first go. You need to talk and negotiate compromises (or you can set rules in stone in advance for future lodgers). Here are some key points to consider, from someone who has been both

• how friendly do you actually want to be? (You might also want to consider how much of a parent you want to be - there are lots of young people and refugees who need life experience and practical advice)
• the kitchen is often the place of greatest stress. Do you want to provide basic cooking facilities in lodger's own room, or put time limits on the kitchen?
• what about visitors? Times? Overnighters? The last can vary from noisy sex to people having a parent or two overnight when they are staying locally. What are you happy to host?
• so your lodger has fallen in love. He wants to give his girlfriend a key. Or his GF wants to leave later than he does in the morning, or be in the house when he's not there. How do you feel about this? (I know how I would feel, which is why I'm suggesting early legislation against it).

All these problems, and others, can be solved by thinking them through in advance so that you both know what the boundaries are. Nil desperandum!

You are in a difficult situation. I see you said that you wanted to move away from the house where your husband died, but to move away from your friends must make things very difficult. Even more so if you are not working so can't get to know people there (admittedly they might not be compatible).
On top of all this, to deal with a stranger in your house / personal space is perhaps too much - I can see why people have said having a lodger may not be for you, at least for now. It's very brave of you to have a man you do not know. Perhaps get to know people a bit first and try to find someone more compatible - maybe a woman, as has been said
Good luck.

You absolutely need a contract for your protection and his.

You also need to have the right type of home insurance policy.

I don't know. It's just a question of curtosy isn't it? if you're going to be dominating the kitchen for a substantial amount of time in the evening then it's not unreasonable to expect someone to mention it beforehand is it? It feels like basic manners.

That said, I think the OP needs to decide whether having a lodger is right for them. I think you almost need to think of them as part of the family and be pretty sociable. It's not for everyone. Certainly wouldn't suit me.

I'm not trying to say you are in the wrong, I think it was a communication failure. If it were me I'd be tempted to say that you'd like a chat, explain that you thought it was going to be like x, or y.. that you've now realised that he thinks it's more like z. You can always say that if he thinks he can lodge with those better defined rules, then great, and if he can't then you completely understand and that you'll give him a few weeks to find lodgings elsewhere.

@MrsFruitbat 👌

I'll be honest you are being unreasonable to expect a heads up if you haven't told him that's a rule. Even if he is a lodger, it is unreadable to expect him to not use the shared facilities like the kitchen. If you had said you must info me with 24 hrs notice if you want guests then you would not be unreasonable. Really you must communicate better because if he didn't like the rules he wouldn't have been your lodger.

Even in shared houses (and I always lived with friends ) we would have been very put out by someone taking over the kitchen to cook and make an elaborate intimate meal that excluded everyone else . Especially with no warning. Also taking over the sitting room in a way that no one else was able to come in . And it was extremely rude of them not to include you so that you had to scurry away with your plate .The lodger is behaving as if it is his house and you are the secondary person who doesn't merit his consideration .
I really don't understand all the criticism you are getting .
If anything you were too generous and assumed that he would be sensitive and respectful of your shared space and that you could work any problems out . Whereas he was happy to take over the kitchen and ignore you while he conducted his romantic dinner for two .
And whatever he pays it is a small amount compared to the bottomless pit of buying and owning a house and all the bills and the responsibility of sorting everything out financially . .

Lodgers are not for you. You like your own space.
Nothing wrong with that. I'd be the same. But bring it to an end asap and enjoy Ur home again.

No you didn't

You came on here to pick out the advice you want.

I'm sorry for your loss, though I'm not sure it's relevant. But you are clearly not suited to this arrangement.

You don't even have a contract or agreement.

And whilst you consider your lodger a second class citizen and refuse to acknowledge that your house is also their home, I feel you may continue to struggle

In what way?

So he can never cook in the kitchen at all?!? Ever?!? 😳😳😳

I think it’s the difference between being a lodger and being a house share. Maybe he thinks he’s a house share with equal rights to you.
I’d nip it in the bud!

You do realise though that he’ll be in your space though right? As a lodger?

I haven't read the full thread but the first page is full of people saying that you should expect a lodger to be sharing your house. Don't listen to them op. If he wants to use the whole house then he should get a room in a shared house.

I've had a couple of lodgers (but mostly foreign students) staying in my various homes over the years. They've almost all stayed in their rooms all of the time. It did feel like a huge intrusion if I found them in the living room! I realised after a few years that young lads were the easiest to host.

I do think it's a bit rubbish being a lodger - like being a second class citizen but you can't have people you don't know randomly coming to your house.

100% agree

As someone who actually had lodgers for almost a decade…

my excellent and free advice

accept it will be awkward but give notice, get rid of him and start again.

If you don’t you will regret it.

for the next lodger screen much more carefully and be a lot clearer from the off. Take learnings from this one…

your “offering” is very good and a lot of people would jump at a separate lounge so it’s a case of finding your “good match”

Why have you taken on a lodger? Companionship or financial reasons?
I think if you take on a lodger you have to accept this is their home too and as always living with people who don’t know can be annoying. Have a chat with him about guests etc and then see how it goes.

The phone conversation on loudspeaker would piss me off. What is the reason he does this?

Is he foreign?

I had this problem once. In my eyes he was my lodger in my house. In his eyes it was a house share. Because I think lodger is an old concept and he was young enough to be my son. There's a big difference. So I understand OP. I remember once my lodger, we’ll call him Adam, invited a few of his friends round for a dinner party, one Saturday night. I found it very strange. In my house, in my kitchen, without a by your leave. He hadn’t asked either. I’ve not had a lodger since though at the time I really needed the money to get by. Circumstances change. And expectations must. I don’t think the concept of lodgers and landladies really exists anymore.
He had everything in his room. Had a shelf in kitchen cupboard and fridge etc etc. I didn’t expect him to entertain in the shared part of house though, certainly not to assume he could.

We had lodgers for many years, because we had children I always cooked a meal in the evening for everybody so didn't have them using the kitchen other than for snacks.
I made it clear that I didn't want them bringing back boy/girl-friends - though long term lodgers did ask sometimes for the odd night. They did bring friends back but we had two living rooms so that wasn't a problem, and it didn't happen often
It sounds as though @lodger's got a lodger who thinks it's a flatshare, which it isn't.