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AIBU?

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Original poster

issues with lodger

518 replies

lodger · 14/10/2024 22:32

Hi

Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been
here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

OP posts:
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HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 14/10/2024 23:03

You still see it as your home, but he's paying for it to be his home too. Of course there should be ground rules, but inviting a friend over and cooking a meal in the kitchen is not exactly a wild party is it? The phone thing would annoy me too, so just talk to him about it.

Maybe you don't actually want to share the space.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 14/10/2024 23:02

He's your lodger and he's paying you to be there. But it's also his home, he shouldn't really have to ask to have a visitor.

If you don't want to share your home, don't take money off someone to do just that.

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 14/10/2024 23:02

I have been a lodger a fair bit in my life. I'd have been mortified if I thought my landlady had a problem with me bringing a friend over and using the kitchen to entertain them, and I 100% would not expect to need to give them notice, I'm not 12 years old.

When you take on a lodger you have to be prepared to share your shared spaces and for them to use them to go about their lives. Sometimes that's going to mildly inconvenience you, and sometimes it's going to mildly inconvenience him. That's life when two or more unrelated households live under one roof.

The phone you just need to let him know its loud enough for you to hear every word in a different room and ask him to not put it on speaker. That's no big deal. Trying to insist that he can't bring a friend over for dinner without notice would be a massive deal.

Original poster
lodger · 14/10/2024 23:01

I haven't asked him to turn it down as I wanted to get an overall opinion on here first before doing so.

OP posts:
Original poster
lodger · 14/10/2024 22:59

there isn't a contract to be honest. I set a few ground rules before he moved in and just told him I don't want loads of people coming over all the time or staying over etc but ok if its now and again

OP posts:
maverickfox · 14/10/2024 22:58

You need to be clear about what you expect from your lodger. If someone were putting their calls on loudspeaker and I could hear it in the rest of the house I’d ask them to turn it down or use headphones. Why aren’t you doing that? Regarding him inviting friends over, you need to ask him to tell you in advance so you can work out when you can both cook. If you don’t want him inviting people over you need to tell him or ask him to take them to his room at least. Having a lodger is not the same as having a house mate so make that clear to him.

Original poster
lodger · 14/10/2024 22:56

it does sound a little rude to be honest. I used to be pretty easy going but things have changed. It might be that he's just not the right fit so alot of what he's doing is grating

OP posts:
T4phage · 14/10/2024 22:55

You have to be quite laid back if you have a lodger. As long as there's no wild parties, theft, mess or noise through the night then you just have to go with the flow. It's your house, but it's also his home space and he's entitled to cook and have a friend over. These are reasonable expectations for someone who is lodging. He can't run everything by you because he's an adult not a child or a teenager. If you're not suited to this arrangement then fair enough, but it doesn't sound as though he's doing anything wrong.

loropianalover · 14/10/2024 22:55

Notenoughcoffe · 14/10/2024 22:37

What does your contract say about use of kitchen and guests?

Do you have an answer for this OP? Is there a contract?

JMSA · 14/10/2024 22:53

lodger · 14/10/2024 22:48

JMSA sorry what's your reasoning behind this reply? thanks

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I honestly don't mean to be rude, but you do sound a bit uptight for this arrangement. The phone thing, you have a fair point.
But I'm not sure he should have to tell you if he's bringing a friend over. An overnight thing would obviously be a different matter.

Original poster
lodger · 14/10/2024 22:53

btw he's the lodger, its my home in case you've got it confused

OP posts:
rwalker · 14/10/2024 22:53

I don’t think it’s going to work you like the idea of have the money but don’t want to share your house

he’s paying good money and this is his home

Original poster
lodger · 14/10/2024 22:52

good points and there isn't much communication as he has his own separate living space on his own floor. I personally would give heads up about bringing people back and have done out of respect. I don't feel respected, I guess this is the feeling that is bugging me the most and in all honesty im finding it really hard sharing my home with someone. I don't feel there's a mutual vibe

OP posts:
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 14/10/2024 22:49

Tell him you can hear his phone conversations - maybe he doesn't know.

If the friend thing is a one-off I'd let it go - it is his home after all. What do you want to happen? He asks you if his mate Fred can come over tomorrow and can they use the kitchen? What if he got a girlfriend, would he have to ask every time? It sounds as if you feel it's a lack of respect, so decide what you want to happen and then mention it - it won't happen if he doesn't know what you want or expect.
It's your house. You can go in the kitchen if he's in it. I don't get why you couldn't cook if they're sitting down, and then you eat when they've finished (or you cook first), which is what happens in my house when vegans and carnivores are cooking separately. It's about learning to work round each other. But communication is key, and it doesn't sound as if you two are communicating.

Original poster
lodger · 14/10/2024 22:48

JMSA sorry what's your reasoning behind this reply? thanks

OP posts:
JMSA · 14/10/2024 22:42

I'm not sure you're going to be suited to this. Sorry.

Mymouseisonfire · 14/10/2024 22:38

What were your rules about having guests?
Things like this need to be discussed before moving in.

The loud speaker phone calls would annoy me too.

Notenoughcoffe · 14/10/2024 22:37

What does your contract say about use of kitchen and guests?