issues with lodger

I don't think you're unreasonable, although those two behaviours aren't rude exactly, just a bit thoughtless. But you absolutely need to be a bit more assertive and have a word with him. As you say, it's your house, you make the rules. Clear communication is better than simmering resentment!

Unless you were very clear about them having to give you notice before friends come round you haven't a leg to stand on.

He was eating in the kitchen with a friend. One time in weeks. If that's a problem for you, you're not suited to lodgers.

I'd expect notice for an over night guest. But not one pal round for dinner.

You can absolutely tell him to keep the noisy phonecalls down.

But he's paying to share your home unless you specified otherwise in the beginning.

Sit him down, give him some ground rules. If he hasn't been told, then he's just doing what he thinks might be ok and if you don't say anything he'll continue none the wiser.

You need to make it very clear. Sadly you understandably didn't/couldn't do this at the start as it was all a bit vague and you didn't know what to expect. But now habits are emerging you need to make it super clear.

Please ask me in advance if you can have a guest. Please take them to your room. If you are cooking for them, please do it after I have eaten and left the room - we need to agree a time.

Please don't use a speaker for your phone calls, it's too noisy.

If you don't like it, ask him to leave. Have you considered having a Ukrainian guest? If you are careful about how you select someone and have a good conversation with them beforehand and lay out ground rules very clearly, that can be a lovely experience. I have had a couple of people stay and it was just amazing. And you will know you're helping someone out, and depending where you live, may get around £500 a month from the council for your help.

Then you should have said all this before he moved in. Because he wouldn't have done. He'd have found a nicer home for himself, where he was welcome, not just his money.

I find it odd that you keep saying it’s not his home, do you think of him as homeless?? He has a home, it’s in your house

OP, kindly, you are not suited to having a lodger. You aren't ready or willing to share your space, even with a lodger some compromises are necessary. You haven't made the boundaries clear or done a proper agreement, so your lodger probably has no idea he's done something he isn't meant to. You haven't communicated your expectations properly and this man is now tripping over a bunch of unwritten and uncommunicated rules that you have in your head about what lodging is and isn't and what you expect him to conform to. You've allowed him to move in without him understanding the full terms and conditions of living with you.

Give him notice to move out, before this becomes very unpleasant and stressful for both of you. You can tell him it's not working out for you and you don't actually want to share your home.

Please can you quote posters when you're replying.
Thanks.

all the more reason to have a contract - to state that he is a lodger rather than a tenant..

Whether you get to an accommodation and it works out, or he moves on, next time around if you live in a town, think about a weekday only rental - that way you get someone that doesn't see it as their home, they go home at weekends, your home is just their base for work.

If you don't think that your house / flat is your lodger's home as well as being your home, then where is the lodger's home ?

'The kitchen is where I eat and spend the most time so its a big deal to have to wait to go in there and make my meal.'

yes i expect the kitchen is where your lodger will eat too, and spend time in...

so...did you put hours of use into the contract i.e. you have it from 5pm - 6.30pm or whatever and he has it from 6.30pm - 8pm ?

and did you put a clause in the contract that the kitchen is shut from say 11pm ?

Strangely enough, when my 18 yr old lodger turned up, with all his heavy Rock posters I thought ''oh NO!! he's going to be a total nightmare! {I was 27 at the time}

He was just lovely.

It's definitely a ''fit'' thing.

I had others who took the piss and smuggled overnight visitors in while I was away, and had them sleeping in my bed!!
{and son's bed!} I felt very invaded.

A suitable lodger is a different thing, but finding one is so tricky.

My lovely 18 yr old even babysat, and DS {now an adult} is friends with him, too, still.

So he's not doing anything you asked him not to do then, YABU.

Oh and my sons last lodger was like the male version of SWF 😂

he actually locked my son & his partner out of the house deliberately on two occasions

refused to put the alarm on

would deliberately take a long bath when they got home from work to stop them from using the bath ( they had a ensuite shower )

questioned why his dad came up to charge his car
and numerous other passive aggressive shit

my sons dad basically threw him out 😂

the new lodger my son dad sort of interviewed and so far he’s a 10 out 10 lodger apparently according to my son and his partner

OP, you need to look up the definitions of both “house” and “home”.

This is a completely contradictory comment. You either want him to feel at home or you don't. In his own home he wouldn't have to ask permission to have a guest round or use a speaker in his room.

To be honest you sound a bit too uptight to have a lodger - you keep saying 'it's MY home' - we all get that, but he is paying to stay there and if you want him to live like a silent hermit then that should have been discussed.

Moving forward - how would you have wanted it handled? Him asking your permission? If so - tell him.

Keep in mind though - it may be your house but you are profiting from him staying there so surely you are willing to make some minor compromises?

To be fair, you say he’s been there a few weeks but this only appears to have happened once. It doesn’t seem all the unreasonable to me.

Free access to the kitchen is pretty important. It is his home while he pays to live there. That doesn't mean there can't be ground rules, but you have an adult living with you, not a child. I'd speak to him about the phone calls because that's not on, but just make sure friends are occasional.

I don't think you are suited to lodgers, either.

I had three , many years ago, one is still a friend who bought his own house eventually. {he moved here when he was 18!} but he was quiet and respectful and never had overnight guests.

It's normal for lodgers to want overnight guests, and it was these that made me think ''I can't cope with extra people in the house''.

Some people are much better ct coping with lodgers than others.

But one really REALLY gross thing.... about friend had a lodge for a couple of years, and when the lodger left, the mattress was in an horrendous state and had to be thrown away... the lodger had overnight visitors, and partook of an activity that ruined the mattress. {Think biohazard}

Friend had no idea.

The lodge seemed quite quiet.

While he’s living in it, it’s his home too. It’s YOUR house (and home, but also his too by definition of the fact he lives there).

No it's his home too. It's you that doesn't understand hence PP saying you're not suited to having a lodger.

Probably stated because the things you mention are very minor.

Some experiences I have had and my friends with lodgers have had:

• them coming home drunk at 4am on weeknights and leaving the front door open/unlocked
• them secretly keeping a tarantula in their bedroom as a pet and keeping crickets in our freezer to feed it
• them having a severe case of OCD and spending 6 hours a day cleaning the bathroom, could never get in the bathroom because they were there cleaning it, and would receive endless passive aggressive messages because someone had moved a shampoo bottle wrong
• them using very expensive cleanser that didn't belong to them and having the cheek to complain to me that it "burned" their skin so they threw it away
• having a swinging relationship and inviting their partner and a random different person off the internet home for the night

My son and his partner have a lodger

it’s really important to set the ground rules first and write it into a lodgers contract

if you get another lodger in the future ask them if they are the sort of person who has lots of friends around / social butterfly as such
some people are really social like to cook for themselves and friends and others aren’t like that

get a ring doorbell

So in my sons house
lodger has full use of the house apart from the lounge

The bedroom is huge well furnished and the main bathroom is pretty much his as my son & partner have an en suite

there is a dinning area , kitchen, garden

garden office that he can use if he want to work from home and needs privacy
bathroom downstairs toilet all for the lodger to use

his girlfriend can stay over on weekends if he wants so Fri Sat. / Sat Sun

no random hook ups / guests or leaving girlfriend in the house on there own without the lodger being there

kitchen is well equipped and lodger cooks often by all accounts

lodger is fine with these rules

he wanted a lodgers contract as he is buying a flat and wanted somewhere where he can leave without having to much notice or be tied in to year long contract so it suits him perfectly

As a woman alone, I think you would have done better to have a female lodger.
But maybe you are not suited to this arrangement at all. Is it a financial necessity.
It's not good to feel uncomfortable in your own house.
I'd tell him it's not working and he needs to leave by the end of the month.

Where do you expect him to cook and eat? The kitchen is clearly communal if he hasn't got provision in his living space. You didn't make clear guidelines, he's not a mind reader. It wasn't an overnight guest.

Hmm op you don't sound flexible enough for a lodger.

I do think it'd help you to relax a little about him having a friend back and cooking for them, not making it about respect and how you're paying way more and getting wound up about it. You've not got a contract or been clear about needing notice for visitors and not everyone would assume it was needed, especially just for dinner not overnight. If you don't want him as your lodger because he's getting on your nerves then accept it's not working and give him notice. But he doesn't know you, he's not a mindreader and he's not actually done anything out of the realms of what many lodgers would assume is okay. So if you want it to work out with him, follow up tomorrow with clear expectations going forward.