issues with lodger

Here's the problem with this forum again. The question shouldn't be whether you're being unreasonable. The question should be: How can I make my wishes known?

If you do this right away, it'll be easier than to let it stew. "John, just to have things run smoothly, I'd appreciate it if you give me a heads up when you have a dinner guest - preferably a day before." And, with the phone, "You may not be aware how the sound carries, so it's a bit awkward in terms of privacy. You might want to not use the speaker."

And stop thinking of it in terms of respect. That will just make you unhappy. And you'll also have to figure out, and maybe re-think, the third-wheel part. Maybe you should try not making a point of leaving, and see what happens?

Good for you for trying with a lodger. Sounds like a sensible idea.

When you have a lodger the house is no longer wholly your own space, as you will be sharing some parts of it. Typically there will be a sharing of the kitchen and bathroom. Some also share the living room or dining room / place to eat.This can be difficult and sharing with a lodger doesn't suit everyone. It becomes the home of the lodger too, while he is there. The fact that he pays for the accommodation creates the relationship between you and some expectations and assumptions on his part. He may assume it's fine to have a friend over to eat. It also means you consider his reasonable needs and try to be reasonably tolerant. I once had a lodger many years ago who monopolised the kitchen with his cooking every night and filled the utility room with all his stuff. I hated it. He must have thought it was normal.

Anyway, you should have drawn up an agreement specifying which rooms/ spaces he can use and which not; whether you have any restrictions about when he can use the kitchen or eating place or specific times when you reserve the need for yourself to use it; and any other house rules about noise or cleaning or requirements about having visitors or having to give notice about visitors coming or visitors staying overnight, or whether overnight stays are prohibited or limited in any way.

Spare Room is a great source of information and advice about various aspects of having a lodger or sharing accommodation. If you register with them, they email out useful advisory articles from time to time. I am sure some of them will be available on their website. Here is a link. www.spareroom.co.uk/content/info-landlords/advice-landlord/

You had expectations about how he would behave and didn’t clearly communicate them. You said not loads of friends all the time, it sounds as if it was one friend, once for quiet dinner and a chat. He clearly sees in your house as his home, as he is entitled to do, he lives there, whatever the legal tenancy. If what you want is someone who will be silent and not use shared spaces to entertain ever, or ever mildly inconvenience you, that needs to be clear in the arrangement and I’d gently suggest having lodgers is not for you if you cannot share your home with a stranger and make the compromises that come with this. The benefit to you remember is money.

That's a weird story.

Stop saying it's not his home!

It's your HOUSE. It is not his house. He does not own it. You do.

It's HOME to both of you. Home is where a person lives. He is not homeless. He is a lodger so that he has somewhere to call HOME.

I've been a lodger twice and they were the most dehumanising experiences - not allowed friends over, not allowed into the living room, only allowed to use the kitchen when they are not using it. I wanted to scream. It was my home base but I was never allowed to forget that it wasn't my home - it was theirs. Be clear about rules and boundaries but don't forget that your lodger is paying hard earned money to live under your roof.

Kindly Op, you want his money but wish he didn’t show any signs of living with you

Its "brought" not "bought"
Bought = buy
Brought= bring

@yeaitsmeagain A tarantula ! Unless I had specifically agreed ( which I wouldn't , ever, I am properly arachnaphobic -) if someone did that to me I would drive him out of the house at the wrong end of a very pointed stick and then burn the house down.
Happy to go up before the beak for my actions 😊

Yes, and she needs to be prepared for the lodger not being up for the goal posts being shifted on them. And then once he's gone, make the T's and C's clear upfront for anyone else.

Hey OP,

I totally understand where you're coming from. My partner of 10 years left me suddenly (came home one day and said he'd met someone else and was moving in with them that day!!). I managed to buy him out of the house we owned together but had to get a lodger to help pay the mortgage.

I do think it's hard having to get a lodger later in life when you're used to having your own space and it's a choice based on financial necessity rather than wanting company.

For me, it took a while having a lodger to realise that I needed to be clear on my expectations and boundaries and to make sure these were well communicated. For me this has meant having to be up front with people before they move in on things like, expectations around guests (on both sides, as I have guests too!), what times I expect noise to be kept to a minimum, that kind of thing. You also need to consider that your lodger is paying to have this as their home too - so while it is still your home you need to be fair in what your expectations are.

It sounds like you need to do some reflection on what your ground rules are then ask lodger for a chat to see how things are going from their perspective and also share that you wish to agree some rules moving forwards.

Since you have said that he has his own living space on a separate floor I think it would be reasonable for you to say that while you are happy for him to use the kitchen to cook in - and to eat in if he is on his own - you would prefer that when he has friends round to dinner they take their food to his accomodation to eat.

I am assuming that within his accommodation there is a table at the right height to eat off, and chairs to sit on! I don’t think it would be reasonable to ask them to sit on his bed balancing plates on their laps.🙂

is the fact you expect him to follow a set of 'ground rules' rather than treat it as his own home reflected in an appropriately reduced rent?

My thought was that she gave no ground rules, naively, so now needs to rectify that. But I agree it should be a comprehensive set of rules now, can't then change it

This is what the young man had.. Had he been in a bedsit, rather than a landlady's house, his illness may have gone unnoticed.

https://www.meningitis.org/meningitis/check-symptoms

If you are going to take a lodger or a tenant, the terms and conditions should be made very clear upfront and there should be no vagueness. It's not understandable or fair to change the goal posts when a lodger has already moved in. I'd be pretty annoyed if I was the lodger and I had a friend round on one occasion, in accordance with the groundrules and was then told actually no that's not acceptable, you have to give notice and you can't be in the kitchen the same time as I want to use it, and by the way you can't use your phone on speaker either.

The calls on speaker, fair enough - he may not realise OP can hear and it's entirely fair to ask him to keep it down. But if I were the lodger, I'd be thinking what else is going to turn out to be an annoyance to this person, what else might come up that she doesn't like and will change her mind about allowing.

I think this story actually illustrates the reality of sharing your home with someone; the whole person and their life comes with it. Including visitors, work, comings and goings, illness, belongings, etc. A whole lot of compromise and acceptance is required to be content living with another person who isn't a loved one.

Yes, I too think this is the best idea.

I hated sharing my space too {apart from with the lovely 18 yr old student} but I needed a Lodger after a divorce, @lodger needs hers after a bereavement, which may be psychologically much harder.

Sharing a bathroom and a kitchen is hard.

People who are lucky enough to have a separate bathroom and kitchen for lodger to use are so lucky, bit most aren't like that.

One other story.... Single parent had a young lad move in at 18, like I did.

One night, her lodger came back completely out of it and she thought he was on some sort of drug, as he was vomiting and 'not masking sense'

She was very angry as had a disabled daughter in the same house.

Next morning, she checked on him, and he was worse.

She called an ambulance, as couldn't risk having someone that out of it in the house.

Except it wasn't drugs.

He ended up in Intensive care for weeks on end with meningitis.

They said the landlady had saved his life, had she not called the ambulance, she'd have come home from work to a likely dead young man.

He was too ill to carry on his uni studies, and his parents were so grateful to her.

As well as being comfortable sharing a home with someone else, to have a lodger you need to be comfortable having frank yet friendly conversations around boundaries and expectations. It's fine that you've come across an issue now that you didn't foresee; you've never had a lodger before. But you do need to be able to initiate an open conversation with him and work out a compromise.

I know I wouldn't be able to cope with having a lodger. I need to be able to relax completely at home and know it's my safe, personal haven away from other people (autism and ADHD definitely contribute to that need!). It doesn't mean anything negative about you as a person if having a lodger isn't for you; nor does this first hurdle mean you can't handle it in the long run. You might just need to re-evaluate how you approach it and get ready to have open discussions.

He does sound thoughtless in his actions. Has he lodged anywhere before this?

My understanding of lodgings is that it isn’t particularly permanent: they’re not a tenant and they are not a co-owner or co-renter so there’s less of a say in the use of the property, communal space etc. It’s more of an ask for permission situation as opposed to freely to what you want kind of situation (a bit like an older teen/ young adult child living with parents). This may well be outdated. What jumps to mind when I think of a lodger is a weekday arrangement travelling for work. Perhaps you’d be better suited to something like this as opposed to a full time lodger? Perhaps sitting down and having a chat to iron out these issues would yield a more positive balance? I’m sorry for your loss and I hope that going forward this works for your needs

He is disrespectful and pushing your boundaries. Give him notice. Choose someone quieter - Japanese students are the best. Super respectful and very easy to get on.