issues with lodger

This can’t be serious. I genuinely can’t tell anymore if you’re being serious with your responses.

I said YABU, as he's not doing anything unusual or anything you hadn't specifically told him not to before he moved in. It is his home/where he lives and, assuming he's an adult, probably isn't used to having to inform anyone or ask permission before seeing friends.

But...you're not unreasonable to not be enjoying it. And maybe he's not the right lodger for you. Not everyone will be the same (some might be worse!), but it's OK if you don't quite gel with this one. Give it a little while if you can, work out what you can and can't live with. You also shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Yes, if you share it as a lodger you must be considerate, but chatting to one friend in the kitchen is hardly inconsiderate

It can be or not be, depending on how you do it: are you stretching out, pushing chairs back so nobody can get past, leaving your stuff spread out so nobody else can use the space, talking loudly regardless of who else is there? Or are you occupying the space in a considerate way, making sure people can get past, being aware they might need to be there too?
I have always encouraged our lodgers to have friends round and eat in the kitchen but they have always been naturally considerate when it came to sharing space so it has never been difficult, but I can see how it might be.

Asking him to turn the noise down/use headphones is not unreasonable at all. He might not even be aware that the noise is travelling.

She won’t even accept that it’s his (current) home.

Sorry that I’m not here to hand hold her through the concept that if you pay money to live somewhere it’s a home and that chatting to a friend at the kitchen table once when you’ve been told ‘don’t have lots of friends round’ is not that big a deal.

Sharing your home for money suits a very small number of people in my opinion. You have to be open to the concept that you’re sharing with a human with a rich inner life, not just an ATM. Like I said I would rather boil myself in oil. So I don’t do it. It is really very simple.

I think you need to think about your attitude. It IS his home - or if not then where is his home? He’s not homelessness . the fact you own it and it’s your home doesn’t make it not his home. You seem to think you’re better than him and I think adapting that whole attitude is very…counterproductive when you want respect, which should be mutual.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have rules . Given your setup why don’t you stay to keep guests to his own area. I lodged several times and I never brought guests around. Once it was in contract, other times to me it would have just felt uncomfortable. Re the speakerphone I’d just ask him about that and discuss noise generally. I think you should get a contract and formalise things asap.

You are in a difficult time OP. After I lost my husband I had a longish time when it was difficult to see anybody let alone a stranger and my rage at everything knew no bounds. If you don't absolutely need to take in a lodger then can I suggest that you give yourself a break from peopleing for a while?

You posted on the internet asking for advice. Not all the advice you will receive will be what you want to hear. That's the nature of forums.

You don't sound like you can cope with a lodger, to be honest. And for really understandable reasons - you're still grieving and struggling to share your space - that can become more difficult as we get older. You haven't thought it through or set proper expectations or terms, and you are not willing for a lodger to consider your house their home. That tells me that emotionally this isn't really something you want, you need the money (understand that) but really don't want to share your space (also understand that - I also wouldn't want to share my space with a stranger or occasionally their friends).

I don't want to be unkind - I just don't think you're being honest with yourself, or your lodger, and I think this will cause you more anxiety and stress, which it sounds like you don't need or want. There are other options financially if this doesn't work for you.

If it's where he lives, it's his home. It isn't any less his home because he pays less than you do. It's a natural part of being at home that you expect to be able to invite friends round. Yes, if you share it as a lodger you must be considerate, but chatting to one friend in the kitchen is hardly inconsiderate.

I echo everyone else in saying you need to discuss some ground rules which include recognising that his payment includes a payment for reasonable use of the kitchen and you need to be prepared to share it.

As an experienced lodger-haver I agree with this. The vast majority of our lodgers were naturally more considerate than this without me having to impose rules. They have all been women though. Get a woman next time.

Maybe it’s a case of OP adjusting her expectations and some compromise from both parties rather than condemning her to failure at the first hurdle?

It's not a flat share he doesn't get the same rights.
He's a lodger,the rent he pays reflects that.
He's basically renting a room with the use of a kitchen.

@lodger

more than one person has asked - does he have a table and chairs in his living room so he ( & friend/s ) can eat at the table ?

and have you accepted yet that it is his home too ? it may well be your property however it is his home.

from your replies I don't think you thought having a lodger through properly, however you now have lots of advice.

what is the notice period on each side ?

But you don’t seem to be able to cope with having a lodger. You told him not to have loads of people round. Fair enough. You can’t cope with him having one friend round. You can’t cope with them ‘chatting’ at the kitchen table. You can’t cope with people describing your house as his ‘home’. Even though it is.

It is a fair assumption that you can’t cope with having a lodger, and the advice the pp gave is perfectly fine.

I would tell him to turn the phone calls down, though but I think you’re a bit beyond that. Just give him notice and come up with another way to get more income if you are as wholly unsuited to sharing your home as you seem to be. That’s understandable - I wouldn’t want to do it either! - but the difference there is that I don’t do it. It is really very simple.

I think people are naive banging on about contracts. Expectations like this aren’t generally those stipulated by contracts but by convention. These sorts of things are dealt with on a case by case basis. OP will know for next time for “house rules” but a contract cannot possibly account for every possible scenario OP might encounter.

"there isn't a contract to be honest. I set a few ground rules before he moved in and just told him I don't want loads of people coming over all the time or staying over etc but ok if its now and again"

From this chat it sounds like what he did by having one friend over was within the bounds of what had been discussed. I think communication is key. You need to be very clear about what he can and can't do.

As you only lost your husband in April I think it is very soon to have a stranger in your space. You must still be grieving deeply.

But the OP didn't discuss any of this with him in advance.

Does his living space have a table to eat at?

I've been a lodger in a very similar set up (had a living room & bedroom but shared the bathroom) I used the kitchen to prepare a meal but generally took it upstairs to my living room to eat. If I had a guest over and my landlady was at home I would nip down make some food and bring it back up (or prepare in advance) Occasionally my landlady would invite me to eat with her or watch a film but it was very much that, an invitation. You haven't mentioned age/s, but thinking there's a misunderstanding on his part of what a lodger arrangement is.

You clearly can't cope with having a lodger.

On balance, I think it’s him that’s the problem. He clearly doesn’t have an awareness of boundaries as he invaded your space via sound - the phone on speaker and physically - by being in your kitchen and making y9u feel excluded. You need to give him notice to leave.

Honestly, we live and we learn. I think you're allowing a lodger in but expecting them to do what you would do, however people never will. I think you need a basic contract with expectations just to clarify what you need from them. Maybe even put a table in their room so they can eat etc in their area so you have the run of your property, they cook and eat in their space, leaving you with your space. Id also have rules about not leaving food/crockery in their space too ... some people can be pigs!

The rent a room scheme allows up to £7,500 per year income tax free, from renting a room in your home. It’s irrelevant for tax purposes whether they have security of tenure or they’re a lodger.

Most mortgage providers stipulate you can’t rent more than 40% of home on any exclusive basis - OP isn’t going to go over this threshold with one room rented. They might have access to the rest of the house but it’s not exclusive possession so, again, not relevant for the lender.

Whether or not cleaning of shared spaces is provided is entirely irrelevant to his security of tenure. People ask re the bedroom as often people reserve the right to clean the lodgers bedroom to prevent the tenant have exclusive possession and thus having security of tenure under the 1954 Act.