issues with lodger

So does the lodger have a table and chairs in his living room ?

you've been asked that more than once.

I think you have to be a certain type of person to have lodgers. DM had several lodgers after Dad died and it was a nightmare. It was done through a council scheme as she thought it would be less risky and all the lodgers they suggested for her were male which neither of us were really comfortable with. Luckily it was a self contained extension so we had bolts on the doors to the house but even so it wasn't comfortable.

The first one had a key cut for his mates and left without paying rent, leaving the place moldy and stinking of weed, one disappeared for a few days and it turned out he'd been arrested and the last one started a relationship with DH's ex wife! Mum decided she wasn't cut out to have lodgers after those three!

@lodger I would give him notice. I think he has been inconsiderate already. This is his "natural behaviour" as you really haven't laid down any house rules as such. So his default is selfish. If you put something on loud speaker of course it will disturb someone else in the house. He monopolised the kitchen without a thought of how it would affect you.

I'm truly sorry you lost your husband. This lodger is not going to be company or a comfort to you. He has already caused you stress. I think you should take some time to readjust and enjoy your home. Tell yourself you can consider a new lodger in the future. You may well decide peace in your own space is actually what you need.

Best of luck.

I found it really hard adjusting to some lodgers. People just have different views. Like I had a girl who used my lovely, new non-stick saucepan as a mixing bowl and was happily whizzing a metal spoon round not realising she was damaging the non-stick. She obviously thought I was being OTT. She also had a vinted shop and would wash and tumble dry individual items of clothing. All things you’d think would go without saying but she took for granted.

It can be hard to find the right person!

One thing I found was lodgers NEVER paid on time and would always need reminding. So frustrating!

OP have you thought about a Monday-Friday let? Might help you to have the house to yourself at the weekends and if you have a professional tenant who’s staying for work they will be less likely to socialise etc.

Ok, at least you’ve spoken about it. The next step is to get a lodging agreement written up ASAP.

My second tip would be to get a small whiteboard and put it somewhere noticeable, by the front door, with a dry-wipe pen handy.

Both of you can get in the habit of writing down things that are happening: ‘Plumber coming Tuesday’; ‘Brother visiting Thursday’.

It might just be that he’s not the right lodger for you, but the perfect person is out there somewhere.

I think the issue with considering the kitchen your home space is that it's such a central part of home living, the lodger will need free access (for the most part) too. The only alternative to that is setting them up with separate cooking quarters, if you can do that, but suddenly making that change with the current lodger would be a bit awkward.

I do understand it though. I'd find it very hard if I didn't have free use of my own kitchen and had to share it. I'm not sure I'd be cut out for lodgers. I know in the year after significant loss, as you've had, I wouldn't have found it easy at all as I needed space.

Well he doesn't have to love being asked. To be fair you should have laid out the rules more clearly. From what you said, you sounded quite casual about occasional visitors (no specific rules) and he may have accepted partly on that basis. He just needs to get on with it if he wants to stay And so do you.

I think if he seems an overall good sort, pays on time, roughly fits in with your schedule and accepts these new ground rules, try to rub along and see if you can get used to things rather than thinking about kicking him out for an idealised silent foreign language student or single lady who may never materialise

I'd say better to accept the whole situation isn't ideal, it isn't really about him rather than start picking fault now with how he received your message.

I think you really need to be explicit when you have a lodger. I’ve been a lodger and essentially you were supposed to be a ghost. Minimal use of kitchen, no friends over leave the bathroom clean. It was fine I was working and out generally. I had a coffee machine and mini fridge in my room. I was a frequent flyer atall the local coffee places. It’s not the same as being a flat mate.

Possibly you need to find a different tenant. Not always true but a lot of blokes manspread into a place. Women less so, I’ve shared a lot of flats.

Maybe he's concerned because he's just had the one friend, in line with what was discussed, and you're already speaking to him about it. Maybe he's worried you're moving towards blocking friends altogether?

In that case, he hasn't actually done anything that you've asked him not to do, has he? He had one friend over, once, and cooked some food.

I'm sorry, but I really, really don't think you're suited to living with a lodger. You can't expect to have someone lodging in your house and for things to be exactly the same as they were when you lived alone. I don't think you can expect him not to make phone calls in his room. If someone is living in your house, you will hear them sometimes. That's how it works.

You either need to stop taking in lodgers at all, or to have a very clear contract with your next lodger about what is/isn't acceptable to you. I don't think your lodger has done anything wrong; it's simply that you aren't suited to sharing living space (I wouldn't be suited to that, either).

I wouldn't be happy with just a microwave. I need, at minimum, a small fridge, oven of some kind, hobs of some kind (minimum 2) and microwave to be fully self contained. I cook properly, from scratch.

Can you set him up in his living quarters with kettle, microwave or other means to cook and small table and two chairs? Then there is no need for him to be in your kitchen. Make lodger as independent as possible.

It is a huge adjustment for you OP and I am so sorry for your loss. It just needs you to choose the right lodger (private quiet woman?) and agree some clear ground rules so you can still live your life in peace while sharing a portion of your space.

Well boo hoo. If he doesn't like it he can move on. You need to do what is best for you.

To give the other side as the have been a few lodger stories, as a PP noted, people with lodgers often don't want lodgers, they want the money but not the person in their house. That isn't the lodger's fault. I lodged with a woman like that once. I wasn't perfect, I was very young ) generally respectful quiet and tidy) but christ, it was non stop and really quite depressing how much she scrutinised and complained and made up new rules. Random petty things like one day I couldn't keep my shampoo in the bathroom when I had been told that was fine, or I had to ring if I was going to be back after 10pm (I worked in a pub which she knew before accepting me). All the while, the stories I could tell about her. Christ.

@Waterboatlass That sounds really unfair on you- I know a woman who lodges a lot and it often ends acrimoniously - squabbles over shared areas.

Is it her...or is it that the people renting an out a room don't actually WANT a person in their house, but need the money for the mortgage?

Once one is past early twenties, sharing accommodation is hard.

You have nailed it, I think.
It's definitely a two way street.

That's adorable!! Love whippets!

Unfortunately you have been naive and are now paying the price.

I think he isn't going to work out so give him notice.
He is not considerate.
He is a lodger, not a house share.
He doesn't get to bring people back to cook for.
He needs to house share if he wants that.
The loud calls are bloody rude.
Don't waste your time trying to fix him.
Give him notice.
Then, before you look for a new person, you make a list of rules that make it very clear what you expect.
Lodging is miles cheaper that sharing a house.
Your lodger needs to be very clear on your expectations.
Do not allow this to drag on.

It's early days and it can't be easy to share a space that was once you and your DH's home. He should be able to have friends round but maybe no overnight guests and no dinner guests without some notice as it affects your access to kitchen/dining area. Maybe it was a spur of the moment thing but he could have been more sensitive about taking over that space. It sounds like he has somewhere to take guests anyway.

You need to think through all the rules and expectations you want to be in place, write them down in the form of a 'contract' then discuss with him. Some compromise may be required but he must understand if you can't agree then he'll have to find somewhere else to live. How old is he?

Oh no! this reminded me of when my adult son came to stay over with GF - they were here for one night to go to a gig or something- they'd bought pizza which came in those massive boxes, which he rashly laid on his bed.

Whippet puppy about 10 weeks old was so delighted to see DS that she leapt on his bed and ran straight across the pizza surface together to him. 😂

Not funny at the time, but pure ''student'' vibe.

One way to cope with the situation might be to build some rapport/friendship with the lodger. If you establish a connection, the feeling of being invaded may not feel as overwhelming. I've had lodgers and some became great friends over the years.
Otherwise, it can feel quite unsettling having two strangers in your kitchen, chatting and drinking, which can really make it feel like an invasion of your space. If you don't like them as a person, or don't like their general vibe, than that's another matter.

Sorry about your husband. I can understand this is all unsettling and you never asked for any of it.

However, Im glad you're reframing and reconsidering your stance as well as laying out some rules more clearly.

Have you considered Air BnB? Depends on area etc but this might be good money for shorter stays. So definitely not someone else's home. It is definitely your lodger's home if he's there full time. He isn't homeless, can have his post delivered there etc. Obv he doesn't have any claim on your house or anything but whilst he's paying to stay there on an ongoing basis, it is his home. It seems like semantics but I think accepting that point is quite key. If you really find that hard to swallow, maybe air BnB.

Let him know you can hear his conversations and ask him to use headphones or the handset. He probably didn't realise and will be glad to know. He doesn't know how sound travels in your house.

You said he could have occasional visitors. This is exactly what he has done. They weren't stopping you using the kitchen. If you want to limit the number, ensure prior agreement or for him to eat in his room when visitors do come, you need to tell him. Where we currently standing, he has followed rules. He isn't a mind reader.

To give the other side as the have been a few lodger stories, as a PP noted, people with lodgers often don't want lodgers, they want the money but not the person in their house. That isn't the lodger's fault. I lodged with a woman like that once. I wasn't perfect, I was very young ) generally respectful quiet and tidy) but christ, it was non stop and really quite depressing how much she scrutinised and complained and made up new rules. Random petty things like one day I couldn't keep my shampoo in the bathroom when I had been told that was fine, or I had to ring if I was going to be back after 10pm (I worked in a pub which she knew before accepting me). All the while, the stories I could tell about her. Christ.

First find some fair boundaries and express them. Then either accept you need to do this for financial reasons and try to feel more relaxed about having someone around (believe me, I know it isn't what you would have chosen) or find an alternative such as downsizing.

I agree with this