issues with lodger

In flat shares and house shares people invite friends over all the time

She has to make rules clear to him if she doesn't want guests over.

It's also fair for him to know, so then he can move into a more guest friendly house

Op says he has his own living area.

Well yes he does as he lives there.

Inviting a friend for a meal when there is no space for anyone else living in the house with no heads up is an issue isn’t it. Thats my point.

Totally agree.

He's already treating it like a houseshare and he's only been there 5 minutes.

What if there is nonwhere else for him to eat.

He has to eat somewhere.

I do think it’s off for a lodger or a house share frankly to with No warning basically take up the whole kitchen which doubles up as a dining room for the entire evening with an unannounced guest.

It would be Different if they cooked and then ate in a separate dining room or their own personal space.

I'm so sorry about your husband OP, that must be devastating.
FWIW, I don't think there is any point in trying to have a 'friendly conversation, nothing drastic or intense' in this situation. This message is that you don't like his behaviour and are explaining how you want him to change it, and it's better to say that as clearly as possible, politely of course and apologising for not having been clear in the first place. Otherwise you risk sounding so vague that he doesn't take the hint, or irritatingly passive aggressive.

As PPs have said, you need to be clear and a written contract would be help because if he can't sign it, he's not for you.
I would not live anywhere I wasn't allowed to have a friend round for a meal but I would accept eating in my room provided there was a table and chairs. He shouldn't have to ask first - it's his home now. Having overnight guests is different and should be agreed in advance.
But remember that this guy has only just arrived and it is bound to be weird until you are used to him. Keep chatting and getting to know him and you may get a new friend out of this.

OP, your mistake was to allow visitors.
Big mistake.
You want to have visitors, cook them meals, use the kitchen for the evening, find a house share.

I think a woman on her own is ill advised to rentva room to a man.
Far too many men are presumptuous and have the ability to make you feel intimidated.

Give him notice and rethink this.
A monday to thurdays arrangement can be excellent.

But sort out your rules.
Allowing visitors is asking for you and your home to be taken advantage of.

Then he isn't cut out to be a lodger.
Lodgings are not your own home.
Give him his notice, whatever that is.
Start fresh when with the lessons you've learnt from this.

But he was given more than just a room and was also told it was ok to have people over now and again. That has now shifted by the sound of things and is now only ok if he asks permission first?

No. Wrong

Lodger also pays for use of the common areas.

It wouldn't be legal to make him stay in his bedroom all the time.

Spot on. Lodger pays for a room not house share

I don’t think he is the unreasonable one. Maybe a lodger isn’t for you.

The speaker phone would have had me giving him the heave ho , tbh. It’s a symptom of the next problem, which is he either doesn’t perceive, or doesn’t care about personal space. I expect he uses speaker phone on the train (and manspreads/ doesn’t move his bag off the seat, etc). I am only joking a bit.

OP, your house sounds pretty nice for a lodger, good self contained space. I just can’t understand why you decided to rent to a bloke instead of a ( preferably middle aged ) woman.

No need to give up just yet. Everything has a learning curve 🧚🏻‍♂️

If you're not sure about having a lodger long term you won't want to be creating an upstairs mini kitchen for him. Some PP seem to suggest if you do certain things like that it veers into tenancy. He could have 2 chairs and a small table to eat at, maybe a kettle but I wouldn't do more than that. He can take guests there to eat but he will need access to your kitchen for most things and that's part of the deal. He just needs to let you know ahead of time if he's going to dominate that space with a guest in tow!

It's never easy sharing with a complete stranger.

I would never take a lodger into my house.

Even if I needed extra money I would rather work a few hours in another part time job, them get a lodger.

I'm sure they're all perfect landlords.

Yeah, I mean you shifted the goalposts on him, you're not actually alright with him having friends over really, from what you've said, if they are going to be in what you see as "your" space.

I can see the next friction point already. You've asked for a "heads up" next time, he does that, but you then don't want him having a friend over at that time and you expect to be able to veto. This isn't going to end well.

I've been a lodger twice FWIW, when I was much younger. One place was fine because we had a very firm agreement in place about guests, cleaning, use of communal areas, etc and he was often away for work so we didn't get in each other's hair too much. The other place, the owner constantly changed what he was ok and not ok with and I never knew where I stood. It was beyond stressful. I wish people would not take lodgers if they don't really want them or haven't thought through the implications - it's unfair.

Having lodged a long time before getting my own place this kind of reads like you told him at the start that it was ok now and again but when he actually did it, it wasn't ok? There may possibly be some mixed messages he's picking up. If you told him it was ok now and again then that might be why he thought it would be ok now and again.

Yeah obviously. That’s why compromise is important and getting someone who’s the right fit. Its harder than living with a partner etc or family as you don’t have the same intimacy so addressing things is more challenging.

Unless his living room.is really tiny you would have room for a kitchenette, IKEA have some useful free standing units. If he had that ,other than him being to noisy, you wouldn't cross paths at all, not good of you wanted the arrangement for some company , but might suit you better ?

I have lodgers but they have Thier own mini "kitchens" , only use the main kitchen if they need the oven , which is rare .

Personally I'd rather share a bathroom than a kitchen.

@lodger

If he has his own living room and bathroom as well as bedroom I think I would be suggesting that if he wants guests for the evening then he uses his own living room
I had lodgers for about 15 years. You do have to have a bit of give and take but it's not unreasonable to expect him to use the space he is renting.
Does he have a table and chairs in there?

All the people on here complaining about their lodgers. Do you ever think that they find you difficult?

I remember chatting to a woman once, and she was complaining on and on to me about her young female lodger.

And I remember feeling sorry for the lodger, not for her!