issues with lodger

She wrote "get him gone" very coldly

Which is a horrible way to talk about someone full stop.

If it was me, I would pause to think, where will he go next to live?
Does he have somewhere to go.
It would be good to give him a months notice to give him time to find somewhere.

OP you don’t want other people living in your house. Bring this one to an end and don’t replace him.

If you can’t afford the house, move somewhere smaller. You’ll be happier than having your home “invaded”.

This is such a drip feed. Every time you get called out you up the ante and say oh but he's done something worse than what you've disclosed. First it was "oh but his friend spoke to me in a disrespectful way" and now he's pushed boundaries in other ways you haven't explained.

Starting to think this isn't genuine now. I'm out.

The lodger is a grown man. What has compassion got to do with it?

It's easy to tell that you were a landlord.

You have zero compassion for the lodger.

It appears quite a lot don't understand the difference between a lodger and house share. It is not his house nor is the whole building his home. His home is his bedroom, his private sitting room and his private bathroom. He has access to kitchen facilities in her home. Access, not equal usage. Her kitchen is not his entertainment space. He does kitchen things in there, at reasonable times and then goes back to his rooms. It is not a house share. Her private living room is also not his space, at all. Nor should he expect access to it to allow his girlfriend to come in at will and talk at OP like it's his shared space.

He is acting like he thinks he has 50% rights over the property.

If he wants that, he pays for house share price. He is paying lodger money and expecting house share level access.

@lodger Get him gone. Make up a typed list to show to prospective replacements before you and they agree to terms. His surly response was a red flag in my view. I do think he sees you as vulnerable, easy to push around. He took over your kitchen and edged you out. Do not put up with that. He can cook and take it to his rooms because that is what he is paying for. Again, communal areas are for utility and are not for entertaining his guests in like he owns the place.

He didn't push a boundary, because you didn't set one!

You allowed him to have friends over, then when he did, you decided you didn't like it and that it wasn't ok without letting you know first.

You now have set a boundary, and it would of course be entirely unreasonable and wrong if he didn't respect it, even if he doesn't like it. But you can't say he pushed a boundary that wasn't there in the first place.

I don't want to have a go, because you've clearly had a difficult time of it and perhaps didn't realise how difficult sharing your home might be. But you are being quite unreasonable here. You expect him to not only accept you changing your mind about something when he's already moved in, you expect him to show no displeasure either!

I get that it's your house, and appreciate it was uncomfortable for you to have your space feeling "taken over" in a way you weren't prepared for - but your lodger is human too. Nobody likes feeling chastised, and especially not when they didn't believe they did anything wrong in the first place. He probably is feeling a bit anxious about what else you will change your mind about now.

I don't really have experience of lodging but I would think that use of their own room, kitchen and bathroom would be the minimum for a person to carry out the normal tasks of living anywhere. I don't think a lodger can be expected to live on microwave meals for however many months or years they are there.

It supports being able to be unobtrusive if the lodgers room is properly equipped with a bed, desk/table and cosy chair also. That would suit me very well, not even having to come out unless I need the bathroom or kitchen. No need to be social with the owner. Also, no expectation to do housework outside the wider house (and my share of the kitchen/bathroom I use). Sounds like an easy deal to me.

Excuse me, but having a lodger is a superlative way to have an income under certain circumstances. And it's unreasonable that you seem to expect that the OP immediately should know instinctively how to handle everything. It would be nice if she had some friends to turn to, but maybe she hasn't.

To be fair to the OP she probably didn't realise how hard it would be to share her home. When DM had lodgers they weren't allowed into the house and there were bolts on the doors but it was still hard knowing there were strangers in our home.

I think I’d go further and ask him to have guests in his space, they don’t need a dining table to eat food he’s made. The phone on loudspeakers is really anti-social, I’d tell, not ask him to knock that on the head. He’s not a tenant, he can be asked to leave with pretty much no notice.

SPOT ON

This.
OP, u have made it clear that u r finding it hard sharing your space. U should have considered this before taking in a lodger.

You were assuming, just like lodger is assuming it's ok
Important to be open and honest with him

Yes, he is the lodger in your home . So if he is paying rent, it is is home too right now. I don't feel he needs to tell you if he is bringing a friend home. Did you have discussions re use of kitchen prior to him moving in ? Does he have a tenancy/rental agreement?
It seems that you may not have given sufficient consideration to the reality of having a lodger. This isn't a criticism , just a statement of fact

I suspect he has told her you're sharing the house.

This right here is where you gave him permission to have someone over.

How do you know how OP spoke to her lodger?

He should have had the common courtesy to say he wanted to use the kitchen at a certain time. I'd even do that to DH if I had friends coming round, let alone if I was a lodger in someone else's house