Exhausted by phone battle with DD12

It's very alarming that your child started to truant then self harm. I'm glad she's getting counselling. However, you're going to need to deal with this phone addiction, lord knows what she's been exposed to. Take pps advice. Take the phone away.

If people on the internet couldn’t say not nice things there’d be no issue with giving a 12 year old unfettered access to it.

This.

If you pay the bill, set limits. Take control, it sounds like she is addicted

Yep, and this is why we have so many screen addicted kids who throw tantrums when they are told no, and they keep getting away with stuff with no consequences. It's ridiculous.

Limit Wi-Fi
Set controls
Ask for the Data to be reduced
Use parental controls
Lead by example
Parent your child

Set up screen time limits and put a password on. Make sure you toggle block at end of limit.

My 12 year old DD has the following limits:
Downtime (I.e. everything off except being able to contact close family members) as per the photo.

App Limits
safari - 1 hour per day
youtube 1 minute per day
kindle - 1 hour per day
Games - Mon-Fri 30 mins, Sat- Sun 1 hour
[gaming website] - 1 min
Netflix - 1 min

You can't completely block apps, hence the 1 minute limit. I.e. if she wants to watch Netflix, she needs to ask me first. I only let her if she has completed homework and music. I don't chase her to do anything, a calm "we can discuss it when you've done x,y and z". Yesterday it took until 5pm, but that's her choice.

I also have a back up list of things she can do:
craft stuff (she has a great weakness for a glue gun!) look for some "older" activities.
books to suggest
jigsaw puzzles
meccano set
etc etc
And I offer extra chores if she whines too much.

Could you set aside a time together one evening to watch a movie or episode of a show together?

would you give your child a subscription to pornhub? Give her an unlimited collection of hard core porn material showing women and girls being beaten, raped and strangled? Would you show her pictures of children cutting themselves and encourage her to meet up with older people who would like to see her hurt herself and praise her for doing so? Sign her up for a paedophile social club? Invite perverts and child abusers into her bedroom overnight? Let her chat to Nazis? When you give a child a phone with no controls on it that’s effectively what you are doing. The internet is a Pandora’s box of horrors with every kind of hideousness just a couple of clicks away. If you don’t know how to set controls, go to a phone shop and ask them to help you set up password controlled parental controls and time limits. Delete all social media apps. Instagram and TikTok are full of self-harm material. Make sure you know exactly what she’s using her phone for. You can do this today.

Take it away Are you scared of a 12 year old !

I think you need to make an appointment to speak with the school's DSL. Your child has significant problems, you're blaming the school, but also admitting to being somewhat laissez faire parents. You need to take professional advice and support here. Sometimes things go wrong when you're a parent (been there, done that), but self harm in a 12 year old girl is very serious.

Info here too: https://support.apple.com/en-gb/105121You can install an app like Bark which lets you monitor your kid’s phone. Kids are so vulnerable on the internet and phones also allow any bullying or harassment etc at school to follow them home and into their bedrooms. I know someone whose teenager was being groomed online by predatory adults. Sometimes I wish the internet hadn’t been invented (yeah I know I’m on it right now!)

If you are going to be so nasty at least get it right

Isn't it LUCY Letby not LEAH

Nothing better to do but stalk a posters previous posts?

She is 12 not 15/16 . Take it off her when at home. Tell her she can have it for school . Also tell her any more bunking off at school and poor behaviour then you will buy a basic phone with txt and call. No Internet access.
Get tough now before she is older and completely going off the rails .
Phones are an addiction

This charity has useful info and links https://parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/home-family-life/technology/keep-teenager-safe-online/?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADwxRYwbfngNvawmO8qfys_MiGwup&gclid=Cj0KCQjwlvW2BhDyARIsADnIe-ITH0W5e4c61AszSJOSbX8O-e_cy0xog-Azca8OOKT9M09rsAHgEiUaApNFEALw_wcB

She needs your engagement with the school, and for you to manage this more effectively. Speak to the DSL. The school can support you, and refer you to external services.

Buy a simple brick phone.

Swap the SIM cards.

She can use the Apple phone with WiFi for limited periods without a sim so you can always introduce it slowly or I'd go for earning screen time.

It isn't too late. You can absolutely do this. I had to navigate similar things with my older kids and wish I'd taken more radical action sooner to prevent harm.

This is a v helpful podcast on exactly this problem.

There's an excellent, well researched and very practical book called "How to break up with your phone" that might help you AND your daughter.

I don't mean to be alarmist, but there are dummy apps that look like calculators (for example) but hide insta, tiktok etc so that kids can get accounts without parents knowing.

Phones are designed to addict. It's not just the content that can be harmful. This is hard because it's hard, not because you're rubbish or anything.

This is incredibly difficult but you can do this.

It sounds like your daughter is going through a turbulent time and is under a lot of stress. Giving up her hobbies suggests some kind of depression. She is using the phone to distract herself from things she can’t change or deal with, it’s like a coping mechanism, or a self soothing strategy. Arguing about the phone is going to make the relationship with your daughter worse.

Access to a phone is a privilege and reward and only given after school work and after school activities (sports etc and household jobs) are completed. An hour a day is than enough screen time.

I would come down hard on this, she is only 12.
I would be taking that smart phone from her until she is maybe 14 and give her a Nokia brick to just call and text.
Definitely sounds like she is addicted to it. Is she using social media?