Exhausted by phone battle with DD12

Do you pay the bill?

Limit her to 3 hours a day. After than the phone won't work - you can manage this with Google family link but I expect apple has a similar thing.

You can also take off certain apps - I'd the ones she's spending all her time on.

For example we have blocked all internet browsers, Instagram, tik tok etc on our DCs phone.

We also have it blocked after 8pm from connecting to our home WiFi so she can't use it past then anyway at home.

Go in to settings and click on screen time, it can give limits for the apps and control when it starts and stops working, my daughters is set to go off at 7.30 though she’s younger than yours and apps have a time limit for the day

Cut the phone off or severely limit her usage. You're in control, she's 12.

DS had parental controls on his so it blocked from 9pm to 7am. He's 16 now and the controls are still on there but he isn't bothered by it and I can change the times or take it off. He actually requested I put it back on last week, ready for school going back.

We can also see his location which is useful for the few times he's left his phone somewhere or lost in the house.

She will get over being bored, she just needs chance to get bored and find something else to do

This! It's YOUR phone, come on OP she's only 12, you need to take it off her and limit use.

I totally appreciate it's easier said than done but you have to get control here and if you are the parent and the bill payer then that control is completely yours

I would do as suggested and limit the time accordingly but with encouragement of other activities to get involved in and explaining your concerns.

It may be a tough few weeks ahead but you need to be firm and follow through on your plans - get her involved in what the limits look like and what she will do in her spare time. Maybe make it exciting rather than a punishment (not easy I know)

This. A 12 year old doesn’t need an apple phone and it sounds like she is addicted

She's 12. Take control of the situation and remove the phone. You are the parent.

How long have you taken the phone for in the past?

You need to put strict controls on the phone and completely remove some Apps. She shouldn’t have SM at 12

But, this is also one area which she will see that she has control over, so be prepared for her to hit the roof.

So to counter this, you have to give her more control in other places. For example- she can have a say on what you have for Dinner on a Friday, but she has to organise it for everyone. Give her a budget. Even if it’s KFC, just go with it for the time being. So maybe that means she has to put the order in the app and go with you to the drive through, set the plates and tidy up afterwards.

But this can apply to other areas, where you can give control and responsibility at the same time.

eg, if she wants to give up piano, that’s fine, but say she has to replace this with something else that is productive. But the point is she can control.

Also, the power of chores. She needs some responsibility around the home. It’s both practical and can help her feel pride in herself

The bigger issues, are self harm and skipping school. This is the main reason why there needs to be no SM on her phone and she has strict limits on usage. I’m not sure if this is the reason for her actions but they can’t have helped her. I hope you are getting help with this from the school and professionals. You can’t do it alone

You're the parent and it's up to you to set limits and stick to them no matter how exhausting it is. Make sure she knows when she is allowed the phone and don't enter into any discussions/arguments/justifying your decisions. If she complains relentlessly, give her consequences i.e. if she doesn't pipe down, no phone time tomorrow. Try and engage her in other activities - baking, listening to music/audio books, going to an exercise class/walk/yoga/gym together?

Take the phone. Take it to work and leave it there. You can’t give in then .

Take control and stop her using it.

Cut the phone off or severely limit her usage. You're in control, she's 12

YES!

There's an internet jungle out there.

You really need to have the sex talk with her and about predators if you haven't already.

Better to be safe than sorry.

Sounds like it's ruining her life! Remove it, and just cope with the whingeing.

Your child is TWELVE. She is a little girl.

You are the adult and the parent. Take control, FFS. What do you think any of us can advise except the obvious? Take control and parent your child.

Just work out how to use the parental controls and limit the phone time and block apps. Put some effort in, watch YT videos if you don't know how. Allowing her unlimited access is madness.

For reference we have 1h 30 per day, no SM at all and phone goes off at 7.

She has an apple phone - I tried to do it when she got it but messed it up and linked it to my phone - I am desperate to get some control though

Bloody hell. I thought you’d come back with some bullshit stuff about not upsetting her. Not simply that you don’t know how. You should never have given her a phone without first knowing how to control it. What a fuck up. Take the phone off her. Go into the phone provider shop you got them from, and find out FGS! You need time controls and content controls. From what age have you given your child access to the entire internet? Including, btw, lots of pro-self harming content.

@LimeFawn iPhone screen time info is at the link below - it works well, my DD was so desperate for a phone and I thought the obsession would wear off once she had it but it didn’t. You can set downtime when apps you choose won’t work at all, and also set a total time per day - we have times for weekdays and weekends and the phone lets them know when they’re running out of time, then the apps just become unavailable. It’s much better than me asking them for the phone or telling them to turn it off - seems to de-personalise it.

https://support.apple.com/guide/ipod-touch/set-up-screen-time-for-your-child-iph43cc563d2/ios.

taking the phone away completely would be a faff for homework and arranging to meet up with their friends - which I want them to be able to do.

You can set screen time limits on Apple via Screen Time in settings. You can also set it that she has to get approval from you to download new apps. My DD has a screen time limit and she is not allowed to take her phone to her room at bedtime, it charges in our room overnight.

This. It's part of your job as a parent. Not managing her internet use is abdicating responsibility. And yes, of course she will complain; so what?