Exhausted by phone battle with DD12

Wow you got a hard time in the time it took me to type that reply. Very helpful responses form gold medal parents, well done everyone.

We bought a really cheap phone with no internet access just texting and calls and swapped it for the iPhone.

We removed the smart phone and he had the brick phone for a Month then had to earn it back. His was removed for bad behavior.

Before giving back the iPhone we installed screen time limits and added parental control software.

The software has built in key words it looked for and you could add custom ones of your own. It would alert you if any words were typed or were in a message received. He knew the software was there.

We also blocked a child who was causing lots of issues.

You could also check the browsing history etc. with the software.

His phone use dropped and now several years on he is still not a big fan. It broke the habit.

I am glad we put the boundaries in despite the tears and pleading.

14 was a rocky time - but he came through it and is thriving and a great young man now.

But you have to act.

We have a basket by the front door - phones go in as soon as they’re gone from school. They only get them back once as homework is complete and they’ve checked if there’s any helpful jobs they can do. They then have them until 6.30pm when we have dinner and phones go away again. They get them back at 8.45 for 15 minutes to check urgent friends messages, eg. Who’s walking to school the next day etc. 9pm they go on the docking station in the living room so we can see them. Bed is 9.30pm.

other rules - no phones upstairs except with special permission (asked to listen to music using phone or video call with friend - the key is, they ask).

my rules or no phone.

I’ll add, it’s exhausting but you cannot give in. I have 13yo twin girls. They get addicted and it’s our job to help them learn to moderate.

I don't think the phone is the issue here, in all honesty it sounds like she's shut down and not coping. Off the rails, self-harming, giving up activities and bunking off school.

Is she ND?

This. My 14yo has phone limits. Otherwise he would never leave it alone. At 12 I'd just take it off her. Let her have it when she needs it say walking to school.

Have just deleted snap chat and tik tok and have it locked down so can't reinstall.

The end game is a functional adult who isn't phone addicted so I am planning on reintroducing less limits but if he can't be trusted then it gets locked down

It is very bad as she’ll be getting self-harm
back up from the phone. You just must step in.

Self harming is a separate, serious issue. Get her some help.

But protecting your children online is a key part of parenting today. Unfettered access to a phone is a big parenting fail for a teen but at 12 it is just unnecessary.

I've put the xbox in the car boot before.the phone has been hidden in all manner of places. The trick is not to forget and lose it!!

Not on. You can’t speak to her like that.

@Testina that was completely uncalled for!

Might Kids for Now help you?

The time I realised that the phone was delaying bed time (she wasn't allowed it in the bedroom), I activated screen time. I wasn't even going to upset my evenings arguing over something a few clicks could fix .

Confiscate the phone. Why is this so hard for people to do? If an item is a problem, you take it away. If you're concerned about staying in contact, then get her a non smart phone. Put your foot down, it sounds like she needs it.

I don't understand why this is always such an issue, you remove the phone, provide a dumb phone if contact is necessary and weather the storm for a week until she adjusts. She's going to be in a foul mood for a bit but then she'll start coming back to you. The only real issue is that WhatsApp etc is often used for socialising and making arrangements between friends so she could lose out socially. You could remove it Sunday evening - Friday afternoon allowing her to have it at the weekend and see how things move on.

There is an app called qustudio you can install it has a parent and child app one for your phone which controls her phone. I found Apple controls complicated
However yiu can use the screen time in the settings on her phone and use a pin number she doesnt know

It's.very very hard op kids are addicted and addicts are devious

I bave a 12 yr old and if left with no controls ge would spend hours on tik tok byt I am just relentless about the controls....

Your 11yo was self harming.

I think you need to see if anything happened online since she's so addicted.

Simply, get rid of it. Give her a 'dumb' phone.

Going against the tide here but the self harming and bunking are the main issues here.

In your shoes I would be trying to build connections with her.

You do need to understand what she is using to the phone for though - if she is on forums etc that are contributing to her mental health issues it won't be helping.

Personally I'd make sure the phone had an "accident" and provide her with a dumb phone and not let her have a smart phone again until you know how to control it.

She’s 12 and you need to put restrictions on it if she’s on it constantly to the detriment of other activities. It needs to be charging downstairs at night and as someone else said put a 3hr limit and that’s it. Don’t ever give in to extra’s when she’s moaning, increase that if you feel appropriate later on.

I wonder if the people commenting have children who are very drawn to the phone

The problem with a very hardliners approach is it causes huge tension and endkeS rows

I am pretty anti phone but I also see my relationship with my 12 yr old as a fragile thing. I want to build connection not live in a state of endless argument

So I really try not to judge and rage against the phone...which sadly society has made ubiquitous

Remember kids this age have grown up watchunf adults constantly scrolling on phones. Now they are how they communicate with friends

I do think very strict controls are needed but in my experience a canny 12 yr old will constantly try to get round them

I wish i cld stick to the phone out of bedroom rule but it causes endless rows. I do have limits on all the apps and try to keep phone use to a couple hours a day for y son but....somehow it always creeps up

Why does it not make a difference?
Cancel the contract. Stop paying the bill
This is non-negotiable; you are her parent, ffs. You are in charge
Send her to her room if she moans about loss of phone so you don't listen

Well, her's a chance to do something novel; use the phone for it's original purpose and ring someone in group!

If you have an apple device you can set up family sharing and get controls set up. If her phone is set up as an adult phone, then write down her contacts then reset the factory settings on her phone and set up as a child account and you will have so much more control. Prepare for some pushing back but it is not her phone, it is your phone as you pay the bills. Remind her of this regularly.

This is the problem with so many parents. They won't. They won't take decisions that may upset their children. It's so prevalent.