For not wanting DH to drive with the kids in the car

I can easily understand using earphones to block out the really annoying sounds of others while driving. That said it shouldn't happen because he shouldn't need to the block out the sounds. Then telling the father of your children he can't drive with them in the car is controlling and a red flag to a bull.
You need to separate.

He sounds abusive and like a dangerous driver with headphones in, but also, you shouldn't call yourself autistic without a diagnosis. Many people do that these days and it lessens the seriousness of actually diagnosed people.

You need to leave this man as soon as it is safe to do so. The abuse will only get worse and will at some point probably be directed to your children as well.

But leaving safely is key, as I think you're aware.

Speak to womens aid, and Refuge, both charities can provide a lot of advice and support.

It's also possible to get a free restraining order against him, should you need one.

Don't make a plan for coping and managing his behaviour. This relationship is beyond saving and he won't change.

Do make a plan to get yourself into a position where you can leave the relationship safely, as soon as (safely) possible.

And - making an assumption here about how your autism may present, so apologies if I'm wrong - don't let perfect be the enemy of good when it comes to the Plan to Leave Safely.

You don't need to have all the answers up front. You just need to be able to leave him and survive financially while you get a divorce going. Everything else will come.

Both parents behaved appallingly and with utter disregard for their children's safety and needs.

Agree with this. He is abusive and should absolutely not be wearing headphones. She is dangerously wrapped up in herself to be prioritising her sensory issues over safety on the road. Both adults are prolonging a dysfunctional marriage that is putting the DC at risk both in short term acute situations like this needless conflict in the car, and in long term psychological ways that could be just as harmful by modelling messed up relationships. No one is saying it'll be easy, OP, but that's not a reason to stay in this marriage that neither of you really wants to be in. Get help irl and start getting your head around how to leave an abusive marriage. Women on here have gone through it too and it is possible and the right thing to do.

From the minute he decided to wear headphones in the car he put all of your lives at risk, not to mention the aggressive driving. Your kids absolutely noticed what was happening, as people have said, they notice everything even if they pretend they don't.
I know it's easy for strangers on the internet to say but he really does sound abusive. You need to ask yourself what it'll take for you to put your foot down and leave him because if he's already shown physical aggression I'd be really worried about what he'll do the next time he loses his temper

As a person with sensory issues myself I do understand OP but I have to agree here. It's dangerous. Whatever the driver wants re music/sound levels is priority.

He still shouldn't have been using headphones though and he as an absolutely abusive arse.

*You can’t understand autism if you don’t appreciate how sound sensory issues are physically painful.

asking for your disability to be accommodated isn’t the same as simply dictating music choice*

@StressyDepressy

Really??

This isn't about accommodation of an undiagnosed disability.

Even if the OP was diagnosed isn't not a green light to expose your children to a dangerous situation to address sensory issues.

If you are a passenger it's not appropriate (actually dangerous) to behave in a way that is distracting to the driver. Be that music/singing/chatter - whatever.

Honestly some of the responses to this are bizarre.

Both parents behaved appallingly and with utter disregard for their children's safety and needs.

https://www.rospa.com/rospaweb/docs/advice-services/road-safety/drivers/headphones-as-a-driver-distraction.pdf

You can’t understand autism if you don’t appreciate how sound sensory issues are physically painful.

asking for your disability to be accommodated isn’t the same as simply dictating music choice

You’re doing really well even to get him to therapy and anger management. In a way this is harder because it shows you he has been trying.

you’ve met his boundary though when he’s refused further counselling.

I have a relative who is a narcissist (not malignant) . I appreciate what they care about is power and control above all else. Anyone who’s ever met children knows that they cannot and will not be able to be meek, pliable etc. He will meet their boundary.

i think you’ve got every chance that he will fight for 50/50 but there’s no way in hell he will want 50% custody when having the kids without you making them compliant. You smoothe the household. Without you I appreciate it may be scary but it will not be sustainable

if you can’t face a break yet - report report report to women’s aid, GP, social services etc. get it documented. Get to a place where you feel freedom - to make a choice or to stay. If you felt true freedom you would t stay in a million years.

you manipulate him well enough now to know once separated how to give him the illusion of power over you and the kids - whilst giving you the safety of having full time custody of the kids

Driver dictates the music or lack of. Him being aggressive isn't on . You being undiagnosed autistic shouldn't have a bearing on either point.

I was this child. At least 50% of the time I would have been safe and it would have also shown me that you don't have to live like that. It isn't normal to constantly be careful or worried. I noticed everything.

Staying is not best for the kids. They are learning very dysfunctional ways of interacting and will be affected by every fight.

When there is a fight, DONT act breezy afterwards. That just teaches the kids that fighting is ok. It is better to exaggerate being scared and upset and make sure both the kids and 'D'H know the fighting is wrong.

If you separate, they won't see any more fights and if their dad can't parent then you'll get more time.

For a start, he shouldn't be on the road. He could kill you and dc just mindlessly driving in rage and he could kill someone else.
Imagine if a child stepped in front of a car driven by this raging man not concentrating on driving because all he s thinking of is how angry he is?

Also your dc WILL know. They are probably too scared to say anything and rock the boat or bring that towering rage down on themselves.

I can't imagine it was really a pleasant day out for any of you?

If you are already in therapy can you explore why you feel you should take this treatment from someone who is supposed to love you?

I bet it WILL be hard to leave but you will feel like a weight has been lifted, you are living on the edge, full of anxiety every waking second.

Yes there is a risk he will get dc 50/50 but I bet he won't want that, too much parenting on his own.

And dc will vote with their feet when older and can make their choices to see him or not.
If you can report any abuse to police it would be taken into account when giving access.

Good luck and stay safe, OP

There was far too much going on. No one should be driving with earphones on for a start. Why can't you all just have the radio on and listen to that. It's bonkers. Your kids would have noticed don't kid yourself. Parents need to act grown up not like children.

100% agree with this.

The children will have to be with him alone for contact. It’s horrible.

The children won’t be divorcing him though. They will be court-ordered to spend a considerable amount of time for the rest of their childhood in his presence, without their mother.

They do indeed. And while the mother can escape from a violent abusive rage-fueled man her children sadly will still have to spend a considerable amount of time in his presence for the rest of their childhood, without their mother being there with them, because his emotional abuse / coercive control will not impair his entitlement to contact time with them.
He will probably get every other weekend and a night or two mid-week.
This is truly heartbreaking.

I agree, she needs to be safe and have a place where her children can experience safety. He will still have the children for contact, though, which is heartbreaking.

Never mind driving with the kids in, he shouldn't be driving at all if he can't control his temper.

He drives with headphones in?

I'd start with that before the rest of it. That's massively unsafe!

I think it’s time to draw a line under this and get lawyered up.

He is dangerous. You need to make plans to leave him safely.

Hmmm. Yes, I'd tend to agree and I usually roll my eyes at the instant 'divorce' replies.

I grew up with a father who I loved (and still love) but was aggressive and unpredictable. I cannot tell you how much that being unsafe and hypervigilant has affected me, every facet of my life, even into adulthood. My mum who obviously was also there and suffered in her own way I think tended to assume we children didn't notice too much or were 'used to it' and so it didn't affect us too much. That's not to criticise her but she is seeing it through adult-to-adult eyes, whereas the adult-to-child dynamic is very different - there a lot less rational processing and a lot more powerlessness. It'll fuck you up I'm telling you, please don't underestimate it.

OP obviously only you know the full situation and your preparedness to leave, emotionally and financially - so saying 'just leave' isn't super helpful but if I were you I'd start thinking about how.

As I said I love my dad but even from when I was a very small child I knew in my heart that I think my mum should have left him, taken us, and not looked back.