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Original poster

For not wanting DH to drive with the kids in the car

114 replies

Evecob · 31/08/2024 18:57

So today we were supposed to be having a fun family day out,.. we have 3 kids. We usually all take turns playing music we like when we take a road trip (only 1 hour this time), but the kids were on their tablets and didnt want to do this, DH was driving and also didnt want to as he was in a foul mood, and put his own headphones in blocking out everyone. I put on music through the car as usual, as I had no headphones of my own. Usually the music would be played really loud, but as everyone else was doing their own thing and my DH wanted the music lower, i reduced it from 15 to 9. Im autistic (undiagnosed) but musoc is a big stim for me and i get a lot of enjoyment from it, im always singing to myself and its a way i enjoy expressing myself. Dh knows this. When he saw me enjoying the music he reduced the volume to a volume i couldnt really hear it.
I left it on 8... he then turned on the sat nav to speak directions, i asked him why he did that when he has his own headphones in because she couldnt be heard, lower than my music, because the sound was already so low. He said he will know because the sound will disappear so will know to look at the sat nav... (?) he has his own headphones in so this made no sense to me...

Time went by, and a song of mine finished, the next one was really quiet so i turned it up to hear it, and he flipped. Started revving harder while driving shouting about how selfish i am, threw his phone over in my direction, ripped his earphones out and threw them violently at me, one hit my neck and then fell on the floor. All i could think was he was in a temper and we and kids are not safe. I told him to pull over asap and i will drive the rest of the way. He did but stomped about doing so and refused to speak to me the rest of the way. The kids asked what we were doing, i just said mummys driving now, luckily the kids didnt notice anything else, so i spent the rest of the trip light hearted and didnt want to ruin the day. DH spent most of it storming off on his own but the kids and me were so happy they didnt really notice anything amiss.

He didnt apologise about his behaviour, and when i brought it up in a quiet moment telling him his behavioir was dangerous and i dont want him driving the kids anywhere, he stormed off.

Im not sure what i can really do in this situation. But i dont feel comfortable. He has a history of aggressive behaviour, already had anger management sessions, individual and couples therapy, neither have worked out. He refuses to continue individual therapy.

OP posts:
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LeftBoobGoneRogue · 18/05/2026 15:40

Sparrowsandbudgies · 18/05/2026 11:44

Do not delude yourself that the kids are happy and don’t know what’s going on. As a child of a similar situation I can categorically tell you they know.

You need to read the OP’s update.
She left 2 years ago, there’s been a trial and now a divorce.

Sparrowsandbudgies · 18/05/2026 11:44

Do not delude yourself that the kids are happy and don’t know what’s going on. As a child of a similar situation I can categorically tell you they know.

bigboykitty · 18/05/2026 11:40

So sorry @Evecob ,I didn't realise this was an update on an old thread. Thanks for pointing this out @PatNoodle . So glad you're all away from him, OP.

Dalmationday · 18/05/2026 11:38

I remember this thread. Amazing outcome OP thank you for updating us

PatNoodle · 18/05/2026 11:14

bigboykitty · 18/05/2026 10:49

You've had that advice already on this thread. He shouldn't drive wearing headphones. You shouldn't put on loud music and sing. Driver's wishes take priority.

You're in a completely dysfunctional relationship with an abusive man. You are very much part of that dysfunction and you have no intention of separating. I'm not sure what you think the police will do. I would really encourage you to seek help from a domestic abuse organisation. You seem oblivious to the harm being done to your children by living in this toxic situation. You do come across as quite self-absorbed and it reads really as if you want someone to make your husband behave better. He won't. You need specialist support and you should also address how your own behaviours escalate the problems. The fact remains, he's abusive and won't change. Your poor children.

Edited
Show quote history

At least read OPs updates before sticking the boot in. She initiated a divorce ages ago and there's also been a trial

bigboykitty · 18/05/2026 10:49

Evecob · 08/09/2024 17:44

I have mentioned before about trying to leave in the past and things got worse. I dont feel like it would be safe at this moment in time. He is a very difficult personality and after much research on NPD and ASPD and watching his behaviours over the past 2 years, there is almost all traits there. I dont really need the "leave him" comments, they are not helpful...
I want advice on what is best and appropriate for me as a mother in terms of the driving situation? I will discuss at the police station this week..

Show quote history

You've had that advice already on this thread. He shouldn't drive wearing headphones. You shouldn't put on loud music and sing. Driver's wishes take priority.

You're in a completely dysfunctional relationship with an abusive man. You are very much part of that dysfunction and you have no intention of separating. I'm not sure what you think the police will do. I would really encourage you to seek help from a domestic abuse organisation. You seem oblivious to the harm being done to your children by living in this toxic situation. You do come across as quite self-absorbed and it reads really as if you want someone to make your husband behave better. He won't. You need specialist support and you should also address how your own behaviours escalate the problems. The fact remains, he's abusive and won't change. Your poor children.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 18/05/2026 10:26

Wow, I remember this thread so well. You have been so amazing persevering and getting the result that you and the children needed. How strong you have been to defend yourself.

Thanks for updating, I hope others who feel trapped and think that they're only option is to try to stay and protect the children as best they can will see it and take heart.

All the best to you and your family.

Original poster
Evecob · 17/05/2026 12:35

ShittyGlitter · 16/05/2026 20:31

Are you sure that the aggression is not also undiagnosed neurodivergence? I am not saying that is in anyway an excuse for they way he is acting, but the autistic males in my family could behave that way when overstimulated.

understanding how to handle things from an autistic perspective has massively helped people in our family.

Everyone being trapped in the car with noises that can’t be controlled would be a massive trigger.

it sounds like 1st of all your DH needs to explore what is triggering him then as a family find strategies to make traveling less stressful.

it’s boring but our family has a list of things required and visible timelines for trips. Everyone has what they need to cope and there is no drama because there is understanding about what each family member needs.

I see your point here, and believe there are undiagnosed needs for both of us, but that does not excuse abusive behaviour, entitlement or lack of desire to change.... the lack of accountability, lack of empathy, constant blame shifting and other physically, emotionally and coervicely controlling behaviours that I put up with for 13 years. This wasnt a 1 off episode...

I did update the thread though on page 4; we separated almost 2 years ago now, he continued coercive and controlling behaviours throughout separation, but we are out the other side now and me and the children are thriving :)

I hope that the kids and him can develop a healthy relationship in future, but truly abusive people dnt truly change....he can put on a good show for others, so will see. But im prepared for that. All i can do is be consistent for the children.

OP posts:
ShittyGlitter · 16/05/2026 20:31

Are you sure that the aggression is not also undiagnosed neurodivergence? I am not saying that is in anyway an excuse for they way he is acting, but the autistic males in my family could behave that way when overstimulated.

understanding how to handle things from an autistic perspective has massively helped people in our family.

Everyone being trapped in the car with noises that can’t be controlled would be a massive trigger.

it sounds like 1st of all your DH needs to explore what is triggering him then as a family find strategies to make traveling less stressful.

it’s boring but our family has a list of things required and visible timelines for trips. Everyone has what they need to cope and there is no drama because there is understanding about what each family member needs.

RandomMess · 16/05/2026 19:26

Well done, it is so difficult after abuse to go through what you did. I’m pleased you and the DC have financial security, I hope Cafcass see who he really is and the DC get an appropriate outcome.

karinahh · 16/05/2026 19:00

What a truly incredible woman you are OP. Your children are so lucky to have one decent parent. Wishing you continued peace and success.

notatinydancer · 16/05/2026 18:43

suburberphobe · 16/05/2026 18:13

Please get out OP before he kills you And your children with his dangerous driving. Or a random person on the road, whether in a car, walking or cycling.

He is teaching them that this is what they can expect in an adult relationship.

Please contact Women's Aid.

Your children will be talking about this at school - sorry, don't know their ages - with their friends who will of course mention it at home.

Get out before all this shit with social services involved.

You need to read the update.

suburberphobe · 16/05/2026 18:13

Please get out OP before he kills you And your children with his dangerous driving. Or a random person on the road, whether in a car, walking or cycling.

He is teaching them that this is what they can expect in an adult relationship.

Please contact Women's Aid.

Your children will be talking about this at school - sorry, don't know their ages - with their friends who will of course mention it at home.

Get out before all this shit with social services involved.

Endofyear · 16/05/2026 16:22

Evecob · 31/08/2024 19:19

Not good really. It's a tricky situation. Im putting boundaries in with our relationship and refuse to tolerate certain behaviours that I used to. I dont feel respected or safe with him and have spoken to him about this and told him i wont be intimate with him until i do (its been 2 months no sex which is longest we have ever had), but he will dismiss, neglect and ignore my needs and try to initiate sex without any intimacy or reciprocity. He used to be very aggressive, break objects, throw things, a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation but since therapy hasnt had a big aggressive outburst for a while. He is a very vindictive, controlling person. A divorce would not go smoothly and his behaviours would definitely escalate. I tried once already.

Show quote history

This is not a man who you want to be in a relationship with. It sounds like you are staying with him out of fear of what his behaviour would be like if you initiated a divorce. OP this is no way to live, for you or your children. Gather all your strength, get some good legal advice and make the break. Yes, it will he difficult for a time but you will come out the other side and have a more peaceful life without him. What's the alternative? Stay and put up with his vile behaviour?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 16/05/2026 16:15

@Evecob, you are tremendous 👏 You have really been brave and resourceful despite setbacks. I'm so glad it's working out for you.

Pistachiocake · 16/05/2026 16:15

LlynTegid · 31/08/2024 19:00

Unfortunately not what should happen, and that he never is behind the wheel as unfit to drive. Even if with no passengers at all.

At least make sure he never drives with you or your children in the car.

Other people and their children are on the road, and are just as important as OP's kids, so if this man, or anyone else for that matter, isn't fit to drive, they shouldn't be driving full-stop.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2026 16:04

So glad to hear you’re thriving. It’s always a little worrying when people pop up again because you don’t know if it’s a good or bad update. This one is wonderful.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 16/05/2026 13:55

Well done! I remember the start of this, I’m really pleased you’ve worked your way away from him.

Original poster
Evecob · 16/05/2026 13:49

Its been a while since my last update but thought I would update again as I was browsing mumsnet.

He pushed for financial court first after criminal court. He initially tried to bully me through solicitors for over 50% of the house, though he was in a much more financially stable position than me.

He was economically abusive while on bail and locked me out of emails needed for the children and school etc and also locked me out of my phone and home internet. Lots of admin to sort.

I refused his offers. I self represented. Luckily i work from home and was able to learn about the law while working. He served me financial court papers. His solicitor lied to the judge in the first hearing that he made a child order (no such order had been made yet). I managed to secure some orders for myself to stop his economic abuse further.

Just before the 2nd financial hearing he put in a child application. Though he had a solicitor, I managed to secure the house for me and the children, and managed to keep almost 80% of the home equity representing myself 🙂 though he stalled and delayed, his name has been removed from the mortgage and i now have full financial independence from him!

I put forward my response to his child application and CAFCASS initially said no direct access at all. We are now looking at supervised visits for him to start shortly and he has to do a deomestic abuse perpetrator course before further access.
I cant go into more detail on child court matters as its still ongoing, but its been almost 2 years since we've seen him, the kids are thriving, I am thriving and looking back at my responses, i can see how stuck i really felt and how hard this process was to escape..but wouldnt change it for anything. The kids know what love is and feels like so if anything does happen when contact starts again im hoping they can recognise the red flags.

Thank you to all on here. Im not sure i would have gone to the police if it wasnt for the comments 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
Evecob · 03/04/2025 21:17

BellissimoGecko · 03/04/2025 18:58

OP, I’m in awe of your strength, tenacity and desire to make things better for your children and you. Well done. Keep on keeping on. I’m so glad the kids are feeling lighter and happier. How are you feeling?

Thank you. I wont lie its hard, but I love my kids and dont want them to feel how I did growing up. When you're in it with no clear way out its so hard and I will never judge anyone who says they cannot leave an abusive relationship

Hearing not guilty is incredibly invalidating.. they believed his defence tactics over me and it hurts.

i have a lot of video recordings and messages over the years from his rages and abuse. Im in 2 minds whether to pursue a coercive control charge or just move on for my mental health.

Him getting away with it makes me worry what might come from him in future. He clearly knows no bounds and will do whatever it takes to ensure his reputation isnt tarnished.

My sense of justice is so strong at the moment.. but I need to try and get through this divorce in 1 piece too.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 03/04/2025 19:14

Sorry to hear he was found not guilty. But well done on being strong enough to report him. I didn’t realise it was an old post at first and so I was so pleased to see you had ended things. Children always witness this kind of stuff, even when you try and shield them. I was always going to see the 50-50 wouldn’t last, most of these type of men don’t want the hard work of raising kids and just move on. Probably for the best, even though its hurtful for the kids

BellissimoGecko · 03/04/2025 18:58

OP, I’m in awe of your strength, tenacity and desire to make things better for your children and you. Well done. Keep on keeping on. I’m so glad the kids are feeling lighter and happier. How are you feeling?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/04/2025 14:17

Was devistated with the outcome. I feel the system has allowed an abuser to go unchecked.

The system did. But you didn't. You're a hero. Flowers

Original poster
Evecob · 03/04/2025 14:06

Hi all,

Wanted to update on here incase anyone was interested.

As I said he no commented, and decided to stay on bail.
CPS looked at the case and made the decision to charge him in December. He decided to plead not guilty in court so it went to trial last week.

He initially offered a plea deal for a restraining order for acquittal, but after time went on, i realised how bad this relationship was, and how he keeps avoiding accountability at every opportunity, so I said no.

Gave my testimony, but unfortunately didnt have the opportunity to discuss any previous abuse. His defence solicitor was excellent and clearly placed doubt regarding his intent to harm and he was just "frustrated" due to me "provoking" him. He was found not guilty.

Was devistated with the outcome. I feel the system has allowed an abuser to go unchecked.

On a positive note, im so glad I posted on here, as I dont know what the situation would be like if I didnt report him in the first place or get that time away from him and get him out of the house.

So thank you to all those people who told me how bad it was, and to report. The children have been thriving and the house is a happy home (despite the divorce process lingering over me and him stalling things).

Those who also said he is the type to not see his kids were also right, he hasnt seen the kids in 5 months as I put boundaries in to see therapy proof and/or contact centre. He refused. Since trial he has not reached out as of yet.

Thinking of persuing a non molestation order incase he tries to gain access to the house.

Divorce is still ongoing and I have no regrets.

OP posts:
Trickedbyadoughnut · 15/11/2024 15:23

Gosh, you've been so brave, I am so happy to hear that you and the children are feeling so much better free of him and he has had to feel the consequences of his abuse.

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