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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father of the bride situation

190 replies

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 10:19

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 09/08/2024 12:00

Its your decision, I didn't even tell my father I was getting married and my brother walked me down the aisle.
But stop taking money from him as well

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 11:58

BubblePerm · 09/08/2024 11:30

You want to walk down the aisle with your stepdad.
To make this happen smoothly, you need to tell your dad. A text is fine as he has never prioritised you.
Then, prepare for the reaction. It would be up to him to phone and have the awkward conversation.
He might not like your decision, but honestly, you are a grown woman, it's your wedding, your decision; what's he going to do?
Kick off?
Put the phone down. You don't owe an audience to his temper tantrum as he certainly wasn't there when you were doing the same as a child.
He can't do anything to you, only react.
You would regret not having your stepdad do this and you dad take a place that he has not earned.
It's simply not his place and it would feel so wrong to you on the day.
Do what you want. Your dad might be a bit upset, but he needs to suck this one up or not attend. He gets the chance to decide when you tell him before the wedding.

This is what I’m worried about his temper tantrum and reaction as he had one on holiday over the smallest thing. I’m not really the sort of person who likes confrontation so I avoid it but I can’t with this

OP posts:
ShakeUpYourTiredEyes · 09/08/2024 11:56

I had my mum walk me down the aisle. She's been there forever and always been a constant in my life. I've had my step dad but it was my mum who I wanted to give me away xxxx

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 11:55

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 11:53

Not my dad that’s for sure! 100% my step dad he would do anything for my kids as much as his own grandchildren

Show quote history

And I think you’re right about the NC. I would just feel bad because my sister would be stuck in the middle. I would rather he just didn’t bother but instead does minimal which is just enough so he has a say in my life which is irrelevant to me. He’s definitely a narcissist

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 11:53

Ponoka7 · 09/08/2024 11:34

With decisions like this most people fear the offended relative going NC and the family siding with them. It sounds as though you have nothing to fear. Ask the man who has been there for you throughout. If the shit hit the fan in your life, or a car crash killed you or your DH, who would step up for your children?

Not my dad that’s for sure! 100% my step dad he would do anything for my kids as much as his own grandchildren

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 11:51

IggyAce · 09/08/2024 11:10

My hubby is a wedding photographer and we’ve had a few weddings where Step dad walked the bride down the aisle and her dad was a guest.
Another had her Grandad because he’d always been there for her unlike her dad.
Your mum doing it is a good idea.
Top table maybe another problem you may not have thought about, I’d suggest you just have bride & groom with your kids and best man and chief bridesmaid.

100% this is the top table arrangement anyway. We both have parents and step parents so way to many for the top table. Would be chaos

OP posts:
twomanyfrogsinabox · 09/08/2024 11:45

Just tell your dad that your stepdad is giving you away. Tell him this has been the plan for years and it had never occurred to you that your dad would be available or that he would want to and it's too late to change your history together now.

BlueSkyMoth · 09/08/2024 11:44

I was in a similar position, though my dad and I became closer once I left uni, and he's always taken an interest in the grandkids, but still - he wasn't around much during my childhood (maybe saw him a few times a year). My stepdad turned up when I was 9, and is great.

So, for my wedding, my dad did one of the readings, my step dad did a speech at the meal, and I walked myself down the aisle - well, it was a registry office, and DH and I walked in together. Tbh I think the 'giving away' thing is really cringey and outdated anyway... I think my dad may have been a little hurt, but I did what I felt comfortable with, and my opinion is - you make your bed, then you lie in it. Do what you want, it's your day.

Ponoka7 · 09/08/2024 11:34

With decisions like this most people fear the offended relative going NC and the family siding with them. It sounds as though you have nothing to fear. Ask the man who has been there for you throughout. If the shit hit the fan in your life, or a car crash killed you or your DH, who would step up for your children?

BubblePerm · 09/08/2024 11:30

You want to walk down the aisle with your stepdad.
To make this happen smoothly, you need to tell your dad. A text is fine as he has never prioritised you.
Then, prepare for the reaction. It would be up to him to phone and have the awkward conversation.
He might not like your decision, but honestly, you are a grown woman, it's your wedding, your decision; what's he going to do?
Kick off?
Put the phone down. You don't owe an audience to his temper tantrum as he certainly wasn't there when you were doing the same as a child.
He can't do anything to you, only react.
You would regret not having your stepdad do this and you dad take a place that he has not earned.
It's simply not his place and it would feel so wrong to you on the day.
Do what you want. Your dad might be a bit upset, but he needs to suck this one up or not attend. He gets the chance to decide when you tell him before the wedding.

ShinyNewMe · 09/08/2024 11:21

Walk yourself or walk with your mum. Or walk together with your fiancé

This. Both my daughters and a few other people I know walked down the aisle together with the groom. None of them liked being 'given away' like a personal possession. Obviously, nobody does, but they had the courage to go against tradition. Dh might have been a bit disappointed but assures us all he wasn't. He still got to do a long, interminable speech so that prob made up for it.

spiderplant56 · 09/08/2024 11:21

Oh and our top table was just the two of us.

spiderplant56 · 09/08/2024 11:21

I had similar issues around my wedding.

My dad isn't a bad guy just never really made much effort! Everything was very tick box!
In the end I couldn't do it to him so he walked me down the aisle and my step dad was kind of an MC for the speeches.

In hindsight I wish I'd asked my mum to do it. Don't know why I didn't think of it at the time but she def deserved to be the one to do it!

Richard1985 · 09/08/2024 11:19

Yes, I would agree that Mum is the obvious answer to this dilemma. Assuming that relationship is good

Flossyts · 09/08/2024 11:19

OrwellianTimes · 09/08/2024 10:22

It’s your wedding day, you do what you want. Do you want your stepdad to walk you down the aisle?

Why not consider an alternative - many brides now have their mum walk them down the aisle, or even walk down by themselves.

Your mum has been The most stable person in your life by the sounds of it - why not ask her?

This - or even your kids?

BigDahliaFan · 09/08/2024 11:12

I'd start thinking about your top table, and don't have one!

You don't have to have a traditional wedding.

In your case I'd just say to your dad, sorry dad, it's organised, Step dad is doing it.

IggyAce · 09/08/2024 11:10

My hubby is a wedding photographer and we’ve had a few weddings where Step dad walked the bride down the aisle and her dad was a guest.
Another had her Grandad because he’d always been there for her unlike her dad.
Your mum doing it is a good idea.
Top table maybe another problem you may not have thought about, I’d suggest you just have bride & groom with your kids and best man and chief bridesmaid.

Weenurse · 09/08/2024 11:08

Some people have Step dad walk half way along the isle and then handover to Dad

sesquipedalian · 09/08/2024 11:08

As you are close to your stepfather, why do you not explain your dilemma to him, and see what he has to say? He may well say do whatever you want to - but find out whether he would be OK with it if your father walks you down the aisle and then your stepfather makes the speech. I assume they will both have to sit at the top table? And make sure you get photographs with both your father and stepfather, so you can choose which ones you want to put in your album while still being able to send a “diplomatic” photo to your father. I completely understand about the minefield that are weddings with step parents, but since you have accepted both money for a wedding dress and a holiday abroad, I fear you have rather raised your father’s expectations about what should happen at your wedding.

SlipperyLizard · 09/08/2024 11:01

I didn’t invite my dad to my wedding (waste of space). I know my mum really wanted to give me away (and would have been cross if I’d asked my step dad) but honestly I felt like that’s such a regressive concept I didn’t want anyone doing it.

DH and I walked into the registry office together, and it was perfect.

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 11:01

AnchorWHAT · 09/08/2024 10:58

What about both of them? Or as pp said your mum

This was the original plan but my step dad said he would feel awkward and just to have my bio dad and I wanted to respect his feelings. But I don’t want bio dad and it’s all just awkward 😂

OP posts:
Lovethat · 09/08/2024 11:00

I'd give him the 2k back for the wedding dress, and ask your step dad to walk you down the isle. Up to you if you want him at the wedding or not, but I would be telling him you don't want him to walk you down the aisle.

The 2k is obviously to buy his way into the wedding.

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 10:59

pikkumyy77 · 09/08/2024 10:58

No confrontation needed. Just arrange the wedding as you wish and if your “dad” asks about his role just say “you are a casual guest. I didn’t think you could manage more than that.”

😂😂 I wish I had the balls

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 10:59

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/08/2024 10:30

Your stepfather is your father, though. Why should you get your DM to walk you unless you and she ( and DSF) want to .

The other bloke is just the sperm donor , and from your post it sounds as if he is quite likely to want to make your wedding all about him/ cause some sort of scene. It’s a pity you told him about it at all, tbh.

This sums it up. He definitely isn’t interested in anyone but himself. He will only be going to make it look like he’s a good dad and he will definitely make it about him. Wish I didn’t tell him tbh

OP posts:
Itsallok · 09/08/2024 10:59

And you can have a big wedding without the bullshit