Father of the bride situation

I've just come back from a friend's wedding, the rest of our friendship group have been married for 10 years + and were admiring the wedding and just how "them" it felt.

We all agreed that if we had our time again, that none of us would be pushed around by other people's expectations of us. We'd all made compromises, and invited people that we hadn't really wanted there or let people walk over us.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I'm getting from your OP that you've tried, really tried with your Dad over the years and it hasn't been reciprocated.

You deserve the day that you want.

I’d have your step dad walk you down the aisle. Your dad is probably trying to buy his spot but it’s not about money. He wasn’t there for many years and you’re not close.

Anyone can be a ‘dad’ all you have to do is have an orgasm then ta darrrr you’re a dad with zero effort needed!!

A father on the other hand is a whole different ball game! Your step dad sounds lovely and more deserving.

Why don't you have your kids walk you down the aisle? Avoids all issues of parents?

He doesn't just get to 'buy' his way in now OP. Your step dad has been the one whose been beside you when you needed it most and so should be there on your happiest day too. Dad can watch from the seats and if he expects anything more you need to tell him straight why. Be direct though because if you haven't been and your dads been left to think he's doing it it'll hurt him more. So best to nip it in the bud now. And if he disappears again...wellyou know where you stand again then don't you.

There is always 2 sides to a separation. You had to see Dad in contact centre. Was he not safe to be around? Did you mum make it difficult.to maintain contact?
Was there reasons for his lack of contact?

Maybe it's just his way or maybe there are factors.

It's hard to say but it may well be the biggest slight to have SD give you away, he may already feel SD has had everything he has missed.

Personally I would opt for no one or your children if you don't want your dad to do it. But only you know the situation and you have to do what's best for you

You have made the conversation with your dad so much more difficult by accepting money for your dress and a holiday.

You should have kept the distance you and he had created.

Loads of good advice here.

your bio dad gave up the right to play the traditional role when he left you. I wonder if you want it in some way hence even considering he was you down the aisle? That young kid hoping everything is ‘as it should be’.

choose your mum and walk tall towards your future

You reap what you sow and your bio dad really does not deserve to have the privilege of walking you down the aisle.

Why do you need someone to 'give you away'? You're a grown woman who supports herself and her family. Walk yourself down the aisle.

I would go with mum and step dad, then they are top table which avoids that being a worry. Dad attends as a guest.

It seems like you've been railroaded into having the wedding other ppl want. Your fiance wants a big wedding so thats what you're having, your dad is angling to do father of the bride thing...

Is it too late to replan the day so that it suits You?

Agree its probably best to stop accepting money off your dad.

Oh please please follow the wish of @OrwellianTimes and walk down the aisle either alone or better with your DP. We did that 50 years ago and it was almost a scandal! Particularly when I stopped and played a (mercifully short?) tune on the organ! @Mamabear487

Why don't you and your DH-to-be walk down the aisle together? That's the way it's often done in Scandinavian countries. That's much more egalitarian as well.

I hate the giving away tradition and what it represents. Either walk with both parents (mum and step dad), just your mum, or walk yourself. Tell your dad that this feels more appropriate to you.

Reading your posts it's like he only started throwing money and holidays at you since, you mentioned marriage?

I completely get the symbolic nature of it but it's ultimately a few seconds of your whole wedding day. The important bit is your vows to your future husband. I spent so long worrying about aspects of our wedding whilst planning it, and then on the day, it goes so quickly and decisions that seemed so important at the time faded away. Is it worth the heartache and stress, and potential long-term consequences, for the 30 seconds it will take to walk the aisle with your dad/stepdad? Assuming, of course, you don't actually subscribe to the idea of the tradition that you're literally being given to your husband by your father/stepfather, like property?

In your position I'd be asking my mum to walk me down, or I'd walk down with my husband-to-be. Neatly sidestepping the whole dad/stepdad issue. Then look forward to the rest of your married lives together.

What is your hesitancy to walking down with your mum? A couple of PPs have mentioned it, and you have acknowledged it, but not said anything to indicate why you haven't made this choice.

It seems obvious to me really because then you don't have the drama. Your dad can't argue or feel replaced by it. You get someone to hold onto during your walk and who better than the only lifelong stable parent you've had?

Another alternative would be to have both your Mum & Stepdad walk you down the aisle. One on each side of you. Or even your Dad and Stepdad one on each side.

Walk down the aisle with your partner.

Your 'Dad' doesn't want everyone to know what a waste of space he is, otherwise there would have been no money and no holiday.

It sounds like you have a fantastic step dad who has been there and helped your Mum to bring you up. I'd ask him to walk you down the aisle. Your Dad doesn't want to make a speech anyway. Your Dad can be a guest and help greet the other guest. Your stepdad can thank your Dad for buying your beautiful wedding dress in his speech.

I tend to think anyone can be a 'father', but a 'dad' is the one who actually raises you, loves you and is there for you through thick and thin. Your post makes it clear who your 'dad' is and if that's who you want to do it, that's who you ask. The fact he's willing to stand aside rather than cause problems says a lot about him but sounds like it would mean a great deal to him to be the one to walk you down the aisle. The other will just have to accept that as a consequence of earlier failure

I chose my Dad and 15 years later, my stepdad is dead and my Dad and I are no contact.

I'm so sad I didn't choose my stepdad, and regret it constantly. It's an ego thing with Dads like this, for me it's a role that is a privilege to carry out and privileges are earnt. I'm so cross I made the choice I did, just to save myself a tricky conversation with my Dad.

I regret having my father walk me down the aisle and I don't even have a lovely stepdad like you.
If I could do it again I would have walked down with DH because we were already living together as partners anyway so no-one was really giving me away.

I don't know if anyone has already suggested this, but why don't you and your husband to be walk down the aisle together? Perhaps with your kids, who you then hand over to trusted relatives sitting in the front row?

I walked myself down the aisle. A friend walked with her dc. Another friend with her mum.

The £2k came from your grandma, that was no 'generous gesture's by your dad!

My only question is, is he going to see the holiday as an 'in' to your wedding? He's buying himself a place, a role, when he's not been a father in any sense of the word. Would you invite him if he was just someone you knew from the pub? I suspect not.

If you insist on being walked down the aisle (hardly sticking to any sort of tradition if you already have kids 😁) then ask the man who has actually been there with you through thick and thin. If your dad objects then tough titty.